Resolutions 2011

So, I did it. I joined ediets.com and will be starting the glycemic index diet tomorrow -- going grocery shopping later today for this next week.

I have 95 pounds to lose and ediets has me on a schedule of 51 weeks (2lbs of weight loss a week) to get down to my goal weight.

I REALLY need to stick with this. I'm sluggish, tired, out of shape. My joints hurt -- I feel like I'm a 40 year old woman. I have weird sicknesses that I can't figure out. I don't like going out because of my weight and therefore wonder why any guy would want to date a heavy person like me. I'm probably close to developing diabetes and can't play this guessing game anymore.

So, any way...it is one of my resolutions to lose a TON of weight this year.

I also want to resolve to watch less television, take myself less seriously and just let go, become more outgoing, get more involved in exercise and sports, and take up a hobby that will get me energized and going.

So, here's to a new year tomorrow. The start of another 365 days. We never know what the future holds, whether the next moment may be our last. So, I resolve to live for the moment. Live in the here and now the way God created me to be. He didn't make me to live in the future or the past -- I just need to relax and let go and let God.

May 2011 be filled with joy and happiness. May 2011 bring new challenges from which to grow and new opportunities to take. And most of all, please be better than 2010!!!! Cheers! :-)

Old Crush

I should be going to bed...and I am sleepy. But, not ready yet so here's a post :)

Every once in a while I do this...but I went back and looked at a few of the crushes I've had over the years. One in particular that I told him I liked him while I was very drunk haha!

I don't regret it, although it made things really awkward...but looking at him now, he don't look so cute any more mama! He's got a long, slim face...lost it's boyish charm.

But. But, I will say he seems like he is the same genuinely nice, funny, and caring guy that I remember from my first year in college at TCU...So, shame on me for looking at my old crushes and judging them on their current looks. If he was still in school with me today, I know I'd be fighting with myself on whether to keep my hands off him ;)

Life recently

It's been a while since my last post....things have been super busy. So busy, I haven't had time to reflect.

But, things are slowing down now, hence the new post. I decided to drop my thesis and take the comps instead next semester. The thesis was a little more than I bargained For. I know too little about the field to really write about it at this point, my research writing skills are poor, and the professor doesn't really want me to do it either, so there ya go. Problem solved, no more thesis.

I did put in a lot of work, but I'll just chalk it up to experience...again.

Volunteering at LIBR has been great. The people are awesome and the things we get to do on a daily basis are so interesting! Analyzing brain data from an fMRI scan -- too cool.

My mom had neck surgery last month, before Halloween. She's doing pretty well. She kinda stopped taking her pain meds, so she hurts more, but I can't really blame her -- I hate taking those too. She's getting pretty bored tho! I can only imagine -- watching TV 7-8 hours a day while we're all working would get really boring. So, she's been playing games on TV and watching movies...there's nothing on during the day anyway.

Haley is doing well in school. Yesterday they had a two hour lock down while the Jenks police searched for two armed robbers in the area. That was kinda scary, didn't like getting that phone call from the school or her. But, glad everyone was safe.

I played a concert Sunday night with the Tulsa Signature Symphony. Sam Harris was the guest singer. He was AWESOME!!! He is a vocal musician, seriously. The music just gets deep in his soul and just reverberates to everyone. He's so good. Makes me want to go see him play Al Joleson on Broadway. AND, so proud that he's an Oklahoma native of Sand Springs!!!

My playing, however, on Sunday night was not the greatest. I haven't really played the viola consistently for a while now and it shows. I hate that. I love music, I love playing, practicing...it's ok lol. I just need to find the time to make it happen no matter what. That is something I cannot give up. I am a musician, but I was sure rusty.

I must say adieu and good night and have a good morrow. :)

Numb

The last couple of days have been a little weird.

Tuesday I went to the doctor for a sore throat and skin rash. He prescribed an antibiotic in case it was strep. Wednesday morning I took one pill of the medication (500mg) and then by noon I was numb all over.

My lips, tongue, face, neck, arms, legs, hands, fingers, toes, stomach. I was getting icy chills and my throat started feeling funny.

I called the doctor and he recommended that I went to Warren Clinic...but by the time we were almost there I was only able to take short breaths so we decided to go the ER where the doctor said it was an adverse reaction to the medication.

Four benadryl, zyrtec and prednazone later....today I am still numb.

Except now I have body aches and prickly pin-like feelings. Decided to go to the doctor again (this time my pcp)...and he said that I am most likely allergic to the medication, but that it was the mixture of the med with my current meds that did it.

Apparently, my medications are all screwed up and unbalanced in my body (producing the numbness) and it will take up to 6 weeks to feel normal again.

I'm just so glad that I only took one pill. And I'm so glad it is just a medication reaction and not something more serious. Thank you Jesus.

But, it is simply amazing that one pill can do so much damage. My mom said, sometimes it's not the sickness, but the cure that can kill you. She's right!

Experience can bite you in the BUTT

So, I will chalk this up to lesson learned...despite how much I really want to call and chew someone's ass up one side and down the other.

Next time, I will get how much I am to be paid in writing. I'm sure I could prove, even now, that I was stiffed $300 of my $1300 check...but is it really worth it?

Especially if I want to use these people as a future reference. And is even that worth it?

GRRRRR

I had the weirdest dream of my life last night. I thought I would share, yes, another dream with you all.

Where to begin...This is kind of sci-fi in nature. We were told that the earth was going to be destroyed unless we stepped in and helped. So we all boarded a space ship together and lifted off of the surface. We were gone for what seemed like a year. It was very dark, with red beams for light.

While on the ship, some individuals were forced into submission as a sacrifice to save the rest of us. They were taken, transformed into a translucent ghost-like mist and were forced to serve. The place where they served was this old fantastical looking tree, surrounded by more mist. You could hear their voices, but you could not see them. This was also back on earth.

So, whenever this creature desired another sacrifice, a group of people stepped up to the plate and from that group about 5 would be chosen by this creature. There was one lady that said that she would go, despite being pregnant, if it meant saving us.

In her group were 12 other people that had been chosen. However, they were not transformed. They remained. I asked myself why and wondered if the fact that she was with child would mean that this wouldn't work. In my head, I thought...I should go. I should take her place.

Suddenly I was lifted a few inches into the air and carried over by this unseen force into one of the chairs surrounding the other 12. I prayed to God to protect me and to protect my family. To forgive me of my sins and to spare me pain because I had been chosen by this creature. I remember thinking, only God can hear my inner thoughts. Was it God that chose me? The devil can't hear this... (not sure what that means).

But, for some reason, we were not transformed. I asked if it was because of the number of people - 13 vs. 5.

All of a sudden, we entered earth's atmosphere. We were told that we were to land the ship on earth. I panicked as I thought of what this would mean (for some reason). I asked the captain if we were coming in too fast and if we would create a meteor-like effect on the earth's surface by coming in at such high speeds.

Next, I heard the hissing of the gas as it slowly allowed us to descend on to the soil. I looked to my left and saw the tree. I called out to the people there and they responded. Some of them transformed back into human form. I also learned that some of the things in the mist were not human - but mystical animals. One was an over-sized heinous blue bear-like creature. The other a huge 11 foot she-ox with a HUGE head.

We left the ship and I immediately went shopping for supplies in this huge warehouse. I was told to be wary of the two animals. I paid 35 cents to cross a bridge that rose up 8 feet, safe from the blue bear. But the she-ox was still able to attack.

I managed to sneak up behind the she-ox. I begged for my life as she tried to swing me over the bridge. Suddenly she spoke telling me that she was supposed to kill me, but was going to spare my life.

That's about it. Of course, you all can't see the immense minute details in my dream like the color of the blue bear, the face of the she-ox, the metal shield of the space ship, the thousands and thousands of things available in the warehouse, the feeling of the mist...etc.

But, hopefully you can see why this was one WEIRD dream!!

Summer Update

I thought it was time for a new post, because I dislike the last one. Leaves a foul taste in my mouth.

So, I'm sick of the rain. This is July...supposed to be swimming weather.

Still working on e-mailing all of the professors I'm interested in working with for my PhD. Trying to get enrolled for a class at TU that can be transferred over to the MHR program I'm in now. Trying to study for the GRE and work on my personal statement for the applications I'll be doing soon. And most importantly, trying to do some major research for my master's thesis. And if that's not enough, travelling to Atoka two days a week to see the clients and on Thursdays here in Tulsa.

GAH!! What a summer!!! I try not to think about it because it makes my brain hurt lol. (Cog. Neuroscience joke...haha).

Anyway, hope you all are having fun and safe summers!

Loss.

So...my friendship with the longest person I've known outside of family has ended. I was really angry at first because I was being blamed for the situation...when I had in fact done nothing wrong. (And when I mean nothing wrong, I'm not lying...I'm 100% serious. Nothing. Wrong.)

I thought it would be fixable...but the wonderful internet gets in the way again. I wish people could read vocal intonation and facial expressions through the written word, but you can't. So, what I said was taken completely the wrong way and without the full context.

So, now I'm no longer angry. I'm upset, sad, and grieving a loss of friendship with her for the second time in the 19 year relationship. Only this time it's really over.

I realize that it's her problem...if she wants to be angry at me for nothing, then that is her choice and I cannot change her. At least I know that I was very respectful and never did anything ugly or rude or bitchy. I treated her like I would want to be treated, maybe even better. Actually, I treated her much better than I would treat myself....

At least I have that to hold on to...and the memories.

I wasn't emotional at first. Like I said, there was just anger and hurt. And as I was reading through Facebook comments on a friend's site from when her mother passed away, suddenly I found myself with tears that were flowing freely.

I guess I needed something to give me the option to vent and to release.

I'm a bottom line type of person...it was instilled in me throughout business school...so, bottom line I have lost a friend. Not the best friend in the world by any means because she has treated me poorly, but a friend that I loved just the same. Some have said I will be better without her, which may be true. Some have said that it's not really a great loss at all. But, for right now, I'm grieving the loss.

I hate loss.

I found this paragraph that I had written 5 years ago, a junior in high school. Some things have changed, but is it sad that I kinda feel the same way?

"Most of my [girl]friends view themselves as worthless without a cute stud right by their side. It's so difficult to be alone with these girls that view men as their new title of "taken". Is a boyfriend just a title to be won, or is he the man that you can lean on, the one that you can't get out of your head, the one that you'd rather be arguing with than to be with anyone else? Isn't true love supposed to be like that...to be worth something? Why why why does everyone make out boyfriends to be their sense of worth? When did becoming lonely and becoming unattractive comingle?"

Like I said, some things have changed. I have some single friends now and I have friends who are happily married...but then I still have those girlfriends that are pretty much the same. I look at Haley's friends and hope and pray that they'll never be that way.

Yes, sometimes I still feel lonely (as is evidenced by the previous posts). But, then there are times that I know that I do not need a man to make me the woman I am today, to make me happy. I am who I am...and I love myself for it.

Friends and Forgiveness

I'm not a bible scholar. Never have been. Sure I can memorize verses, who can't? I tried to read the bible all the way through once, got pretty close...still have 6 or so books to go.

I think I had the wrong motivation behind the reading though. I was trying to be the first in my family to read the entire bible. It didn't matter how fast I read or if I understood it. Also, granted I was about 12 years old...so most of what I read didn't have any significance for me anyway.

I bet if I picked it up now, it would. Or, I hope it would. It's something that I resolve to do every single January 1st, but it never manifests.

I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow, the longest person besides my parents that I have known. We were best friends for most of my life...and then life just happens, you know? People change, people grow, they continue to morph.

And, in the last few months we've kind of grown apart. Tomorrow we're meeting for dinner...She's angry with me and I'm angry with her, not going to lie.

I know when Peter (it's peter right?) asks Jesus how many times to forgive, he throws out a number, 7? And God says, 70 times 7, right?

So, I know I'm supposed to forgive her. I want to. So...I ask myself if I should go into tomorrow's dinner and act like nothing has ever happened (even though definite things did)? Or if I should actually, for once in my life, tell her why I am upset with her?

Is it better to keep those things in? I'm not so sure. It hasn't worked well for me in the past...that's usually where the pent up anger begins to fester and ooze and get worse over time until it leads to resentment, a not so good thing. Not so good at all.

To tell or not to tell? That is the question...

So, after last night's post, I saw a commercial for eharmony.com stating that this weekend was free communication weekend.

I thought, what the hell, and made an account. I also, hehe, went onto match.com and made a profile there also.

Well, I've had a good amount of interest from both already so I decided to sign up for three months with match.com and see what happens. I've been winked at, e-mailed and viewed 10 times on match and I've been asked to communicate from three guys on eharmony!

Let the games begin! ;)

Just finished watching the MADE OF HONOR movie with my family. Honestly, why do I put myself through such torture. Just puts me in a hopelessly romantic mood and leaves me uber depressed.

Will the man of my dreams out there, please come and kiss me? Now.

Boundaries & Space

Since I have been treating myself with more respect lately, putting up nice healthy boundaries with people that would normally take advantage...I have a friend or two that have been increasing their distance more and more over time.

It makes me sad, but I'm not going to change who I am now. I'm comfortable with myself. I know I'm not perfect, even though I strive to be. I know that I treat other people very well. I'm kind, smart, fun, and improving myself everyday.

I guess those friends can't deal with the me that was lying underneath the depression and other "blah" all along. It's sad. I'll still see them as "friends" or "acquaintances" ; I wish them no ill will and hope they are happy and blessed. But, let's just say I won't be reaching out and reaching out and reaching out for friendship when they keep retreating.

However, I need to improve my friendships with two other special friends. I'm not good with death and people dying. But, not because I fear death. Because I don't know how to comfort someone who is incapable of being comforted. I don't know what to say. I feel like anything I say will only hurt and I can't hurt them anymore. I just can't...so I keep quiet. Too quiet. Plus, one of the antidepressants that I'm on makes me have a really flat affect...so even if I want to cry with someone, I literally can't. Sucks.

I haven't meant to be rude. I've been trying to give these friends space, hoping that they will contact me when they need a friend. I let them know that I'm there for them. But, one friend, seems to be ticked off at me. Maybe I gave them too much space? Is this person the type that needs people around 24/7 and I didn't know? How do you weigh the fact that you want to be there for someone who's grieving as much as you can, but then need room for yourself as well? It's tough. BTW Naida, if you're reading, you are not the ticked off friend lol.

So I sincerely and humbly apologize. I'm sorry if I have hurt these two people in any way. I was caught up in life, busyness and other things and I never meant to hurt anyone. If I wasn't there when you needed me most, I'm sorry.

My mom got the job!!!!!!!! YES!!! Thank you JESUS she got it!

Tomorrow if she didn't have the job, she would have had to sign away her career at IBM. But, now that is no more!! What are the odds that she is offered the job one day before it would have made a difference??? And the fact that this had to go all the way up through the hierarchy to the person that reports to the president of IBM, this is no small feat! She did it! So Proud!!!!

All I can say is God does amazing things. My mom is so happy, I'm so happy! Time to celebrate!! Break out the WINE!!!! Bring on the celebration!!! YES!!!!!

Death

Many of my friends are grieving. One, the loss of a child she will never have. One, the loss of the health of her father. One, the loss of her grandmother/mother this morning. Loss is all around us...so what keeps up going?

My friend told me that her grandmother passed away this morning at 8am without anyone by her side. The last two evenings she had lingered on while all of her daughters and her grandchild were there with her through the night. They had set up candles and were there to be with her when she passed. But yet, she waited until everyone had left.

It makes you wonder how much they can hear and can feel when they are in those seemingly unawakened states. Did she feel that it was best to leave when her family was not with her because she knew the pain that they were feeling? Or that one daughter was begging her not to go? It's possible. She was a strong woman.

It reminds me of my grandfather. On the morning that he passed, my sister and I went to go hold his hands and his pulse dropped significantly. He relaxed. My mom had said that he knew that we were holding his hands and it was comforting to him. He was breathing much more calmly.

After everyone had left but my sister, my mom and I, I took out my viola, put on my mute, and started to play. I played as beautiful as I could, as pretty as I could, as courageously as I could.

As soon as I hit one of the climax's of the piece, the machines started beeping. My mother started crying. They came in and turned off the machines and my mom told me to stop...that she wanted me to leave with Haley. I packed up my instrument and took Haley and as soon as we stepped into the hallway he took his last breath, smiling and peaceful.

It couldn't have been coincidence. Just like it couldn't have been coincidence with my friend's grandmother that she waited until she was alone, I believe the music was beckoning him into heaven. He heard the music, saw the gates open, and thought, I'm home.

It's one of the greatest honors that I still hold on to today. I got to play for my grandpa while he left this world and went onto the next. Please pray for my three friends and my family...we could all use your prayers.

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

I am Fat and Other Revelations

My mom and sister just got back from shopping at The Gap. Haley came in to the living room to show my dad and me some their new clothes (a sister thing). Haley pulls out a pair of khakis and says, and this is what mom got, and this, and this. What size were they?.......a size 6. Wow!!

I am really really happy for her that she is finally down to a size 6. She has been struggling with her weight for the last 15.5 years, ever since Haley was born. She had a hysterectomy and has had multiple surgeries on other things like shoulders and knees, neck, and back since then. All reasons to gain weight right? Anyway, I digress.

My mom used to look in the mirror and make fun of herself when she was fatter. She might say things like, I'm a whale. Or you should just harpoon me. She said that she wanted to lose weight to be happier with herself.

So, now the question is, mom are you really happy now? Now that you are 60 pounds lighter, are you happy? Is your body image improved? Do you feel like you're worth something now? I'm betting that it hasn't changed the thoughts about herself...unfortunately. I wish losing the weight would make self-doubt and depression leave that easily.

Because since her weight has been going down, mine has been going up. Verging on 200 lbs. I'm wearing size 18 jeans, the size my mom wore at her heaviest a few years ago. So, how does it make me feel when I remember those times when she thought that a 200 lb person was a whale...not so good. How does it feel when she tells me what to eat and chastises me on the choices I make now, rebellious -- because she's like a hypocrite to me. Here is this woman, that I love...my mother, who has traded places with me. She is now the skinniest in the family...and instead of offering encouraging words of advice, she says that I shouldn't eat that. Do you really want to eat that? Do you know how many points that's worth? Yes, damnit.

Also, I have a ten page research proposal due on Monday night in my research methods class. I don't know if it's because it feels overwhelming, or what...but I have just come to the conclusion that I am ENTIRELY...I don't know the term. Not indecisive (which I am). Ok, I'll explain the word I guess. I try something for a period of time, months to 6 months, and then decide that I'm over it. Is there a term for that? I'll give you some examples.

TCU Pre-Med Fall 2006-December 2006

TU pre-law January 07-July 07

TU business July 07-May 2009 (with many questioning periods of pre-law and pre-med in between)

TU second bachelor's degree May 2009-June 2009

TU pre-med June 2009-July 2009 (depression attacks)

OU Master's of Human Relations LPC August 2009-October 2009

Wanting to pursue a doctorate in cognitive neuroscience December 2009-Present (wonder how long this will last)

That's just education, here are others.

Joined gym December 2009, haven't been back since the first week in February.

Wanting to join Karate or Tae Kwon Do but do not have enough money.

I'm currently reading 3 or 4 books right now...3 of which I'm certain of, but I think there's a 4th.

I went vegetarian on April 1, yesterday and a week ago I ate meat. So, it's probably not long until I'll just give up on the veg thing. And that's only been 17 days.

So, please someone help me out. What is it? Do I have this need for excitement? Do I get bored easily? Am I really that indecisive? Do I think too far ahead into the future? Am I too dreamy of a person and not realistic enough? What is it? I'd sure like to find out...and soon...because it's quickly becoming a habit that I'm starting to abhor.

It worries me because, I guess I feel like...what's the point? What's the point of getting into this college and studying this if in a few months I'm going to hate it and want to move on to something different. If I could, I want to shadow and mentor with EVERY single profession that I could ever think of enjoying...then I would truly know whether or not I like something. But is that possible, hell no.

My own Happiness Project

So proud of Adam Lambert on Idol...proves over and over that he's a true musician at heart, not just another singer with a nice voice. Excited to see him on Idol tomorrow night.

I'm reading The Happiness Project now by Gretchen Rubin. I thought I'd share with...myself...what I have learned thus far (one chapter).

I don't want to get to old age and say "What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner."

50% of happiness is due to genetics, 10-20% due to life circumstances (age, family, etc.), and 30-40% is due to the person's thoughts and actions.

The opposite of happiness is NOT depression (big one for me!)

"The concept of 'accessibility' suggested to me that by constantly reminding myself of certain goals and ideas, I could keep them more active in my mind". This is so true. The more you think about happy things, the more it will just become natural. It's retraining your brain to think of positive thoughts instead of negative ones. And what's the result? Hopefully a more content and happy demeanor and feeling. And, DUH, this is in the bible LOL (Philippians 4:8-10).

Rubin discusses her "secrets of adulthood" which are:

• People don't notice my mistakes as much as I think
• It's okay to ask for help
• Most decisions don't require extensive research
• Do good, feel good
• Be nice to everyone
• Bring a sweater (SO true)
• Do a little each day to accomplish huge tasks
• Soap and water remove most stains
• If you can't find it, clean up
• Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy
• What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while
• You don't have to be good at everything
• If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough
• Don't let perfect be the enemy of good
• What's fun for you may not be fun for everyone and vice versa

In a 2006 study, 84% of Americans ranked themselves as "very happy/pretty happy"

In a survey of 45 countries, people rank themselves a 7 on a 1-10 scale of happiness on average.

Research shows that happy people are more productive, altruistic, likable, healthier, creative, helpful, resilient, friendlier and make better friends, colleagues and citizens

And one that really hit me - "I didn't want to wait for a crisis to remake my life". WOW.

So, hopefully shortly after reading this book (or possibly during), I want to do my own happiness project and I hope you all will keep me accountable :) Peace out.

WEIRD ass dream

I had a dream last night that I was playing the viola in my college orchestra again...only this time I was sitting towards the back and no one would talk with me. I approached someone and asked why and they said that I was very snobbish, condescending and thought that I was a better player than everyone else.

Then I received my mid-semester feedback from the conductor who said that he placed me at the back of the section because I absolutely "sucked" on the first concert of the semester and that I sounded horrible (even though I had played great for the other concerts). I was mortified! I excused myself from rehearsal and went to the restroom. For some reason my stall locked, but it also had a second door that locked, because the first led to the other stalls. I was in a hurry so I blocked all the other stalls and locked myself in. A little girl with a short blond bob came into the bathroom and peered through the crack at me and knocked, then told me to hurry up.

Suddenly I realized that there were two more stalls, occupied by my friends who were lounging and eating lunch (weird I know). Why didn't she knock on their doors? So, when I was finished I opened the door and told her that it is very rude to look at people through the crack between the stalls. She mouthed back at me and I was SOOO angry at her. (Was I being condescending again?)

I attempted to make it back to orchestra, but was lost. Heading through hallway after hallway, going through classrooms filled with people, trekking across campus...I never made it.

So, what was this dream about? Am I condescending? Or is it that I've been told by my mother that I seem snobbish because I'm "shy" when really I'm thinking of what to say if you come up and talk to me. Why would the conductor question my playing? Why did the girl peek between the stalls? Why was I extremely angry at her? Is the little girl me? And why was I lost...do I feel "lost" in real life?

I believe that dreams are a representation/the result of our conscious thoughts and awareness that are made into unconscious stories to express things, possibly tell stories, possibly reflect our current states of well-being.

What do you all think? What is the interpretation? I need some guidance please.

Independence

Through reading someone's post and through the conversations I've heard today...I think I need to reflect on independence.

Independence means the act of being independent in most dictionaries. So, I chose to look up independent instead.

Independent: (Taken from Dictionary.com, keyword search: "Independent")

1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.

2. not subject to another's authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman.

3. not influenced by the thought or action of others: independent research.

4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.

5. not relying on another or others for aid or support.

6. rejecting others' aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.

7. possessing a competency: to be financially independent.

8. sufficient to support a person without his having to work: an independent income.

9. executed or originating outside a given unit, agency, business, etc.; external: an independent inquiry.

10. working for oneself or for a small, privately owned business.

11. expressive of a spirit of independence; self-confident; unconstrained: a free and independent citizen.

12. free from party commitments in voting: the independent voter."

So, my next question is, what does the bible say about dependence and independence?

1 Thessalonians 4:12 states "You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not depend on anybody"

Jeremiah 17:5 states "This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his own strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD"

Romans 12:18 states "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone"

Colossians 2:8 states "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ"

And then if you look at RELY in the bible you see passages like:

2 Chronicles 14:11 states "Then Asa called to the LORD his God and said, "LORD, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O LORD our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O LORD, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you."

2 Corinthians 1:9-11 states "Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. ¹⁰He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

And, of course there are many more scriptures.

So, here's what I've come to understand through this search. It's good to be dependent on God, not so much to be dependent on others. But, I would be careful to not assume that this means that the American westernized view of independence, all independence, is a good thing. Yes, we should not depend on others, but I don't think we should be totally devoid of others either. We should live in community.

I worry about American culture and society. It's so mechanical. So unemotional and cold...most conversations are through texting, e-mails, chats, etc. We don't take the time to listen to people's voices anymore or see people face to face. We're always in a hurry, never sleeping, always working, always busy busy busy.

When, if we just depend on God. If we just stop and relax and know that we're safe, secure, content, and are sufficiently satisfied...I wonder what would happen. Probably a revolution.

My thoughts, Kelsy.

Dreams

I have had the weirdest dreams lately. Yes, another dream post.

So, in my dream last night I took my best friend with me to a church that I used to attend. One that I went to for 16 years before I started attending Agora.

It was very much the same in some areas, but much more conservative. My best friend and I were wearing street clothes, definitely stood out among the crowd. It started off with the traditional singing and songs, which I actually enjoyed. It was after the singing where it went downhill.

The pastor started to show a video about how evil bi-sexuals are and how different they are from the rest of the people and that Christians need to tell them what they're doing is wrong in order to save them. Made me SO angry. Then, this youth pastor that used to work there told my best friend that she needed to wear a different shirt next time that she came into the church. I looked at him with the most hateful look I could muster and told him to stop it, that I was basically wearing a similar shirt and that it was acceptable! He responded just as hatefully with a resounding no.

We were still listening to the sermon when my best friend got up and went to one of the elders, one of the most esteemed (whom I dearly adore...for real!), knelt down and said "Why is it that you look so real, so less commercialized". She said, "My dear I shall tell you later" as she smiled.

Then another video came on that warned Christians that if they attack and attack that they will eventually not have their own foundation to return to. It was a cannon ball that was shooting random balls and one of the random balls destroyed a Christian home town. That was the only good thing about the entire dream lol...if you call it good.

So, finally, after being uncomfortable with everything from the moment we stepped in, I told my best friend that we were leaving. In the middle of everything...even if we were sitting in the front two rows. And we did, we got up and watched as everyone stared as we left.

We walked to her new car and drove out immediately, stopped at a dive gas station/bar where women were puking and drunk. Very unsanitary.

And then I woke up. So will someone tell me what that was all about?? Any interpretation will suffice! :)

Mom had a panic attack today. Haley woke me up and told me that she was puking downstairs and that she needed my help. By the time I got down there she was already finished. White, pale, sweaty and shaky. Yep, panic attack. I hate those - I personally almost had about 5 last September so not fun.

She had an interview today - which probably brought on the anxiety. That and her past manager telling her all of the things that she must remember if she wants to be considered for the job. Yea, no pressure there! So, poor thing...I gave her some breathing techniques that I used that immediately calmed me down so much so that I stopped the panic attacks before they progressed into "full blown" panic attacks.

So, I have a side note. Hopefully my family doesn't read this cause this is going to be -- not a rant per se -- but a comment. Last Sunday my aunt, my mom, my sister and I went to visit my grandma in the nursing home. We were all sitting around talking by the fountain and my aunt says that their brother told her that my mom has "made so much money of the years that she must have a million dollars saved up somewhere. There's no need to worry". My mom says, "I hope to goodness that he was joking". Eloda says "No, he was serious. So, in all seriousness, are you a millionaire? Because I've been telling people, yea my sister's a millionaire" (laughs).

HELL NO. We are not millionaires...not EVEN close. It has been like this since I was little....as far back as I can remember. For some odd reason, I don't know why, but Erin and Argel seem to have it in their minds that my family is really really rich and can afford anything on the planet. Erin has always talked about how much money my family has and how rich we are, very negatively, like we owe them something that we are a bunch of snotty stuck-up people. Yes, ok, compared to people in other parts of the US living on welfare and those that barely make minimum wage, etc etc, yes we are immensely blessed. But, definitely not because we're millionaires. That's ridiculous! I don't understand.

It filters down as a part of the ridicule and judgment that they put on my mom, like she's not really a part of the family, like she's the black sheep, the outcast. She can never be one of them...why? Because she's the only one that went to college? Or because she "received" less beatings from their father (which is so not true). Or because of this....Or because of this....It's never gonna change. They will always have an excuse.

Well, let me just tell you - she paid for every bit of her education herself. She didn't have any help from her parents. So if she is successful, it is because of the hard work that she has done. Not because of anyone else. And, I am one proud daughter of a mother who has worked so hard and has such integrity.

Ok, that's enough commentary on the subject. It's never gonna change and I'm not gonna let it affect me and the decisions I make. They have every right to have the feelings and the beliefs that I do so I'm not gonna try to change them. Besides, no amount of talking or explaining will ever change their minds.

Randomness

Watching my dog lick his nose...why? Is there snot up in there? It's getting annoying.

Anyway, my mom's two interviews today were productive but did not lead to anything other than the fact that TU will not hire her unless she has a doctorate. She can't even teach as an associate or assistant professor because of the school's budget crunch during these "hard economic times". So, she's actually thinking about getting her doctorate! Might be exciting for her! We'll see! Meanwhile, she's still applying for jobs elsewhere.

I am so weak and tired right now. I worked until 12:30, went and picked up my music from TCC for the Signature's March 27th concert, rode the bike with Buddy and Haley, then rode the bike with just Haley, climbed two stories today of steps....does that seem like a lot? NO?

...I know it's not. I'm beginning to sound pathetic LOL. O well :) I'm going to try and get motivated and do some work for this project that's due a week from today. Wish me luck!

Damn Bird

It started with a bird.

The other night a small nuthatch bird flew into our house when my sister opened the front door. The bird, which nests in the wreath on the front door, instead of flying out into the night air flew right into the house. I heard Haley scream, then laugh. Then scream again. I ran downstairs and saw her covering her head with her hands. She said that there was a bird in the house. It took my dad, my mom and me about ten minutes to coax the bird close enough to the door -- it finally flew out.

My mom said "If my mom were hear she would freeeak out". I asked why? She responded by saying that it is bad luck to have a bird fly in the house.

That was a Thursday evening. By next Monday my mom had been one of the 2500 employees let go from IBM in a "resource action plan".

Saturday, my mom had her yearly mammogram. Today, she received a call from the health group telling her that they would like to perform more tests, possibly an ultrasound, and that the radiologist would be there to read the results before she left.

My mom, stifling tears and swallowing back cries, looked at me and said, "I don't know if I can handle anymore". And I don't blame her...I don't think she can. I pray, pray very hard, that it's nothing. No sense in freaking out now before the results.

With Haley's meltdown today and my mom's immense stress I am emotionally spent! So when you ask me how I am doing -- I will rightly respond with "Hanging in there".

So, be warned. If you ever have a bird fly into your house -- watch out and start praying HARD because things might get messy and get messy quick.

Flyin' High

Today has been an awesome day, and I've only been up for an hour haha!

I got on my OU e-mail account to find that my professor really enjoyed having me in class and would like for me to contact her this summer for a GA position. She also wants to use my paper as a "good example" to show one of her students. That was awesome! :)

Then, I received a phone call from an employee at OU that got my contact information through a professor and asked if I was still interested in being a student research assistant for a new project at OU. Research is something I will definitely need for my future plans.

So, needless to say, I'm thrilled. She's going to give my name to her committee and call me back today or tomorrow with the news of my acceptance into the program.

Now, I have to go write a short paper for class tonight -- will this weigh me down, I think not! Flyin' high!!

Ooooo. Something within me just churns and stirs. The hairs on my back stand up, my teeth visibly scowling, and my nails come out ready to attack when someone says or does something that hurts my baby sister. As her older sister, how I wish that I could step in there for her and fend off the hurtful words, absorb the insults and unfair treatment, act as a protective shield that will keep her from ever feeling the way she felt today when she came home from school.

It's hurtful when a stranger approaches and says something snotty and biting. But, you can shake it off and move on. It's even more hurtful when that someone is a teacher, a mentor, someone that you have trusted and that you look up to for guidance and help.

But, I can't do that for her. I won't be there with her all of the time...eventually she has to learn to cope and to choose when and how to respond to such acts. I can give her all of the advice in the world, but in the end it's up to her.

Damn it. Why do I punish myself and watch a romantic comedy on V day...just to leave me crying.

I don't know why. Maybe it's the snow, or maybe because it's a Thursday and it's my day off...but I am itching to get out of this house and do something. Today, I have watched TV, took an hour long hot bath, read on my nook, wrote in my diary, downloaded songs to my iTunes, ate lunch and dinner, and played around on the computer. I realize that to everyone else, through their eyes this seems like heaven. But, in mine, I need action...I need interaction.

Sitting here watching Stomp the Yard on TBS for the second time today, it just hit me. A jolt of energy. I want to LIVE!!! I want my first kiss -- and NOW thank you very much. I want to feel a man's arms around me, holding me tight even for just one second. I want to look in a man's eyes and see love looking back. I want to make a difference in someone's life including mine. I want good friends and relationships. I want a life outside of this house and outside of school and outside of work. And I want it to start now.

I want to be more like my friend who says what's on her mind, sometimes bluntly, but always honestly. Who has this boundary thing down pat and has this respect about her and self love that just oozes out. She knows who she is, has confidence in herself and respects others as well. That's what I want to emulate. I know that I probably will NEVER be able to say what's on my mind with that amount of confidence. Nor do I really want to do it that bluntly. But, to be able to say what I think, in a reasonable way, would be freeing. So, I've decided and that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm watching the Bachelor on my DVR. I'm a little shocked and disappointed at some of the girls. One thing I have learned from watching these man seasons is that if you want to get sent home faster than anything, to talk about another girl in the house.

Ganging up on another girl, calling her names, and worrying about her does not say anything about you as a person. It says that you are insecure. Why worry about someone else, when you can be focusing on the guy. Also, so early in a dating relationship, I have learned, that it's not who the person is that attracts the girl to the guy. It is how she makes him feel.

These girls keep on saying, if he knew who she really is, what kind of person she really is...etc. That's not the point to him right now. Yes, girls think this way. To us it is logical. But, it's different for a guy.

And to think that you are going to change his mind by "talking" him out of it...is ludicrous. Saying that you are going to have a serious talk with him about this will not do anything. If anything, he is more curious and wonders why these women are talking negatively about her. He wonders, could this be mere jealousy?

I'm not saying that Vienna is perfect. She's far from it. But, so are those others girls too. And to call her out and single her out is hypocritical to me.

I don't know why but it just upsets me. Maybe because I'm a good catch and I don't have a guy and I see women messing it up for themselves on national television by acting like insecure 10th graders. It's sad.

one tiny step back...two large steps forward

Today was my first class in a classroom setting since last May when I graduated. So needless to say...I felt the tiny tinglings of a panic attack and squelched it at the get go. I mean at the beginning!! So...no panic attack! Yay! I'm proud of myself for that.

But, I felt like I was back in the old Kelsy. I was nervous and ADD because I was so self-conscious that my thoughts weren't about what the instructor was saying, but were about me and how I felt and how I looked, etc. Then, the CUTEST guy in the class chooses to sit next to me! Tries to flirt with me and I lose my cool. I reverted right back...the nervous smile and nod. The soft giggles when I don't know how to respond. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??? Why did I go back!! All the time I'm thinking, this isn't me anymore...I don't do this. I'm smart, sexy, confident and improving! But, I guess I went back because it's more comfortable there or something.

The good thing is that this was a learning experience for me. I know now that in novel situations I may have a tendency to turn back into the other Kelsy and I have to give myself a pep talk or do something to prevent this. I'll keep myself, and others I guess, updated. We'll see how tomorrow goes -- I'll be in class from 9-5 :/

For those friends of mine, and myself, who have anxiety issues or panic disorders...this post is for you.

I am reading a book titled Change Your Brain Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel G. Amen. Very interested read so far and I recommend that everyone read it. Dr. Amen is a psychiatrist and performs SPECT scans on patients to see the functioning of their brains. His research and findings along with helpful recommendations are all found in this book.

So, anyway, I thought I would share some quotes with you that struck me. Dealing with anxiety myself, I was first surprised that it has a biological component. It is called the basal ganglia in the brain. When this area is over active it can sometimes lead to ADD, OCD, or anxiety disorders. In this particular chapter, Dr. Amen "prescribes" some relaxation techniques to help people cope.

I'm not going to write them all here, but just a few. The first is a breathing technique. Many times when people experience panic or fear, they begin to have much shallower and quicker breathing which leads to inefficient oxygen and an overproduction of carbon dioxide in the brain. So, Dr. Amen and my therapist simply say to take deep breaths from the belly. My therapist gave me a technique that I like to cal 4+4=8. Take a breath in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and release through pursed lips for eight seconds. I like to do this while listening to music personally. This is magic to me because most people will not even notice that you are doing it. When I release in that 8 count, I can literally feel my body relax. It's great.

To quote Dr. Amen, "shifting the center of breathing lower in your body will help you feel more relaxed and in better control of yourself. Practice this diaphragmatic breathing for five to ten minutes a day to settle down your basal ganglia".

The other techniques mentioned have to do with killing automatic negative thoughts, guiding imagery, self hypnosis, and others.

The main breakthrough for me while reading this is that I can change my brain chemistry. That at some level within me, my "problems" if you will, are caused by my brain. Some of it is mental, some of it is physical. And that physicality lets me know that I can change it if I want to. So, here's to good reading!

I worked out at the YMCA today! Did two circuits on the weight machines while my mom went through her orientation. It felt good to finally work out and do something to improve my health! I'm going to try and go tomorrow and do some cardio!

I went on a date for the first time two nights ago with a really nice guy! It went well -- I met him through a friend. So we'll see if that develops into anything...we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night sometime.

My mom's birthday was today! She turned 51...I feel bad that it was low key but I think she still had a good day. Lunch at Olive Garden, dinner at Applebee's, and some fun in between lol.

Anyway, I will be enjoying my day off tomorrow! Adios