Friday, June 25, 2010

Loss.

So...my friendship with the longest person I've known outside of family has ended. I was really angry at first because I was being blamed for the situation...when I had in fact done nothing wrong. (And when I mean nothing wrong, I'm not lying...I'm 100% serious. Nothing. Wrong.)

I thought it would be fixable...but the wonderful internet gets in the way again. I wish people could read vocal intonation and facial expressions through the written word, but you can't. So, what I said was taken completely the wrong way and without the full context.

So, now I'm no longer angry. I'm upset, sad, and grieving a loss of friendship with her for the second time in the 19 year relationship. Only this time it's really over.

I realize that it's her problem...if she wants to be angry at me for nothing, then that is her choice and I cannot change her. At least I know that I was very respectful and never did anything ugly or rude or bitchy. I treated her like I would want to be treated, maybe even better. Actually, I treated her much better than I would treat myself....

At least I have that to hold on to...and the memories.

I wasn't emotional at first. Like I said, there was just anger and hurt. And as I was reading through Facebook comments on a friend's site from when her mother passed away, suddenly I found myself with tears that were flowing freely.

I guess I needed something to give me the option to vent and to release.

I'm a bottom line type of person...it was instilled in me throughout business school...so, bottom line I have lost a friend. Not the best friend in the world by any means because she has treated me poorly, but a friend that I loved just the same. Some have said I will be better without her, which may be true. Some have said that it's not really a great loss at all. But, for right now, I'm grieving the loss.

I hate loss.

7 comments:

luke said...

Sorry to hear it.

It's sad and strange - this is the second ended friendship I've heard about recently that involved some kind of internet chat.

Were you at Agora for the technology/media discussions? You might check out a book called Flickering Pixels.

-L

Kelsy said...

Yea I was there.

luke said...

Ah, I missed a couple weeks in that whole series thing but I heard about it. It's just so weird how the online and offline worlds mix.

Kelsy said...

I haven't purchased Flickering Pixels because of all of the other books I have to read lol. But I'll put it on my list.

It is interesting how that type of chat affects you. I am a member of a seed grant committee at OU and we had a retreat last Monday where we talked about such things.

I told my friend that I wanted to meet in person to discuss our issues, but I was never given the chance and I respect her decision not to meet. She's already taken me off as a friend on facebook, so I guess she's serious, if not immature.

Kristi said...

Sometimes friendships end and we don't know why. Sometimes it's hurt feelings or spite. But more than likely, you will cross paths again one day. And by then, you will both have grown and will likely see the past as a misunderstanding on every level. I've reconnected with a lot of friends from my past, and we have mutually apologized--even when one of us didn't feel like we really did anything wrong. Being right didn't matter anymore, though.

I have deleted people from my friends list--sometimes because I never actually see them anymore and don't feel like I really know them, and sometimes because I considered them to be toxic at the time. I've been deleted off of a few lists as well, and I have learned not to take it personally. facebook is fake friendship, in my opinion. I love the site, but realize it's not real, human, live, contact.

People come in and out of our lives at different times for different reasons. Not all are here to stay. Not all are beneficial to us.

luke said...

I would say facebook isn't fake so much as "shallow friendship" or something. It can be great for keeping some kind of friendship we would otherwise have lost completely (a bunch of my high school friends who moved all over the country), but lousy for real close friendship. It's perfect when we can mix the two properly. E.g., an old high school friend of mine told me via facebook that he's coming into town this summer so we can hang out together.

Kelsy said...

I can only hope that we'll meet someday in the future and become friends again. It still hurts.

There have been many times where I've done exactly what you said and we both apologized and moved on. We were never as close, but I hope we can still get that chance.

I had a dream last night that she left me a voice mail...she was crying and told me that she knows how much we love each other and she hopes that we can just move on. She said that the best she could do was call me a "small" friend (LOL)... I woke up when I was contemplating sending her a text to say being "small" friends was okay with me.

When someone is so ingrained in your life for so long, someone you thought you could count on no matter what...and then they're not there anymore...sucks. It's like I said, I feel like an era has ended for me.