Saturday, April 17, 2010

I am Fat and Other Revelations

My mom and sister just got back from shopping at The Gap. Haley came in to the living room to show my dad and me some their new clothes (a sister thing). Haley pulls out a pair of khakis and says, and this is what mom got, and this, and this. What size were they?.......a size 6. Wow!!

I am really really happy for her that she is finally down to a size 6. She has been struggling with her weight for the last 15.5 years, ever since Haley was born. She had a hysterectomy and has had multiple surgeries on other things like shoulders and knees, neck, and back since then. All reasons to gain weight right? Anyway, I digress.

My mom used to look in the mirror and make fun of herself when she was fatter. She might say things like, I'm a whale. Or you should just harpoon me. She said that she wanted to lose weight to be happier with herself.

So, now the question is, mom are you really happy now? Now that you are 60 pounds lighter, are you happy? Is your body image improved? Do you feel like you're worth something now? I'm betting that it hasn't changed the thoughts about herself...unfortunately. I wish losing the weight would make self-doubt and depression leave that easily.

Because since her weight has been going down, mine has been going up. Verging on 200 lbs. I'm wearing size 18 jeans, the size my mom wore at her heaviest a few years ago. So, how does it make me feel when I remember those times when she thought that a 200 lb person was a whale...not so good. How does it feel when she tells me what to eat and chastises me on the choices I make now, rebellious -- because she's like a hypocrite to me. Here is this woman, that I mother, who has traded places with me. She is now the skinniest in the family...and instead of offering encouraging words of advice, she says that I shouldn't eat that. Do you really want to eat that? Do you know how many points that's worth? Yes, damnit.

Also, I have a ten page research proposal due on Monday night in my research methods class. I don't know if it's because it feels overwhelming, or what...but I have just come to the conclusion that I am ENTIRELY...I don't know the term. Not indecisive (which I am). Ok, I'll explain the word I guess. I try something for a period of time, months to 6 months, and then decide that I'm over it. Is there a term for that? I'll give you some examples.

TCU Pre-Med Fall 2006-December 2006
TU pre-law January 07-July 07
TU business July 07-May 2009 (with many questioning periods of pre-law and pre-med in between)
TU second bachelor's degree May 2009-June 2009
TU pre-med June 2009-July 2009 (depression attacks)
OU Master's of Human Relations LPC August 2009-October 2009
Wanting to pursue a doctorate in cognitive neuroscience December 2009-Present (wonder how long this will last)

That's just education, here are others.

Joined gym December 2009, haven't been back since the first week in February.
Wanting to join Karate or Tae Kwon Do but do not have enough money.
I'm currently reading 3 or 4 books right now...3 of which I'm certain of, but I think there's a 4th.
I went vegetarian on April 1, yesterday and a week ago I ate meat. So, it's probably not long until I'll just give up on the veg thing. And that's only been 17 days.

So, please someone help me out. What is it? Do I have this need for excitement? Do I get bored easily? Am I really that indecisive? Do I think too far ahead into the future? Am I too dreamy of a person and not realistic enough? What is it? I'd sure like to find out...and soon...because it's quickly becoming a habit that I'm starting to abhor.

It worries me because, I guess I feel like...what's the point? What's the point of getting into this college and studying this if in a few months I'm going to hate it and want to move on to something different. If I could, I want to shadow and mentor with EVERY single profession that I could ever think of enjoying...then I would truly know whether or not I like something. But is that possible, hell no.


Kristi said...

I'm a little behind on these things. I'm like that, Kelsy. I get bored so easily. I'm amazed I got a degree, because I found every reason to quit. I think I did it to prove something to myself. But I need stimulation. I need to enjoy what I'm doing. Otherwise, I'm bored to tears. And, I need a pat on the back a lot. And when I don't get it, I get restless. I think restless is the word . . . . .

Kristi said...

Oh, and my mom has finally gained a lot of weight. for years she could eat anything she wanted. She has had a high metabolism. A few weeks ago, she offered me something to eat that sounded gross. I shook my head. She said, "Why not? Not enough sugar? You don't want it unless it's fattening, do you?" I gave her my classic go to hell look. She apologized, but I told her that such comments only make me want to eat more.