Loss.

So...my friendship with the longest person I've known outside of family has ended. I was really angry at first because I was being blamed for the situation...when I had in fact done nothing wrong. (And when I mean nothing wrong, I'm not lying...I'm 100% serious. Nothing. Wrong.)

I thought it would be fixable...but the wonderful internet gets in the way again. I wish people could read vocal intonation and facial expressions through the written word, but you can't. So, what I said was taken completely the wrong way and without the full context.

So, now I'm no longer angry. I'm upset, sad, and grieving a loss of friendship with her for the second time in the 19 year relationship. Only this time it's really over.

I realize that it's her problem...if she wants to be angry at me for nothing, then that is her choice and I cannot change her. At least I know that I was very respectful and never did anything ugly or rude or bitchy. I treated her like I would want to be treated, maybe even better. Actually, I treated her much better than I would treat myself....

At least I have that to hold on to...and the memories.

I wasn't emotional at first. Like I said, there was just anger and hurt. And as I was reading through Facebook comments on a friend's site from when her mother passed away, suddenly I found myself with tears that were flowing freely.

I guess I needed something to give me the option to vent and to release.

I'm a bottom line type of person...it was instilled in me throughout business school...so, bottom line I have lost a friend. Not the best friend in the world by any means because she has treated me poorly, but a friend that I loved just the same. Some have said I will be better without her, which may be true. Some have said that it's not really a great loss at all. But, for right now, I'm grieving the loss.

I hate loss.

I found this paragraph that I had written 5 years ago, a junior in high school. Some things have changed, but is it sad that I kinda feel the same way?

"Most of my [girl]friends view themselves as worthless without a cute stud right by their side. It's so difficult to be alone with these girls that view men as their new title of "taken". Is a boyfriend just a title to be won, or is he the man that you can lean on, the one that you can't get out of your head, the one that you'd rather be arguing with than to be with anyone else? Isn't true love supposed to be like that...to be worth something? Why why why does everyone make out boyfriends to be their sense of worth? When did becoming lonely and becoming unattractive comingle?"

Like I said, some things have changed. I have some single friends now and I have friends who are happily married...but then I still have those girlfriends that are pretty much the same. I look at Haley's friends and hope and pray that they'll never be that way.

Yes, sometimes I still feel lonely (as is evidenced by the previous posts). But, then there are times that I know that I do not need a man to make me the woman I am today, to make me happy. I am who I am...and I love myself for it.

Friends and Forgiveness

I'm not a bible scholar. Never have been. Sure I can memorize verses, who can't? I tried to read the bible all the way through once, got pretty close...still have 6 or so books to go.

I think I had the wrong motivation behind the reading though. I was trying to be the first in my family to read the entire bible. It didn't matter how fast I read or if I understood it. Also, granted I was about 12 years old...so most of what I read didn't have any significance for me anyway.

I bet if I picked it up now, it would. Or, I hope it would. It's something that I resolve to do every single January 1st, but it never manifests.

I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow, the longest person besides my parents that I have known. We were best friends for most of my life...and then life just happens, you know? People change, people grow, they continue to morph.

And, in the last few months we've kind of grown apart. Tomorrow we're meeting for dinner...She's angry with me and I'm angry with her, not going to lie.

I know when Peter (it's peter right?) asks Jesus how many times to forgive, he throws out a number, 7? And God says, 70 times 7, right?

So, I know I'm supposed to forgive her. I want to. So...I ask myself if I should go into tomorrow's dinner and act like nothing has ever happened (even though definite things did)? Or if I should actually, for once in my life, tell her why I am upset with her?

Is it better to keep those things in? I'm not so sure. It hasn't worked well for me in the past...that's usually where the pent up anger begins to fester and ooze and get worse over time until it leads to resentment, a not so good thing. Not so good at all.

To tell or not to tell? That is the question...