Thursday, September 17, 2009

Do you ever think about how you go to where you are today? And then you have sooo many images and memories running through your head that you are overwhelmed. One word can inspire so many different thoughts.

Well when thinking about the depression and anxiety that I'm being treated for, holy moly where do I start? There are just so many factors. I think a lot of it is my reaction to my environment, my family and the culture that I grew up in. Slowly, your brain forms a pattern in the way it receives messages from these things and the pattern forms a habit. It's my job to re-wire those patterns and physically begin to think positive thoughts.

It's also interesting to compare my old self back in elementary school to the woman that I am today. I was so different and yet the same in so many ways. The once optimistic child is now a negative thinker. The once outgoing kid is now shy and restrained. The child that would rather be with adults during Christmas parties is still the same. The child that used to be taken advantage of is still here today.

What I've really come to terms with during my therapy is that...hey I'm normal. It's normal for a person in my position to be scared. It's normal for me to have ups and downs in my life and I'm responsible in the fact that I've reached out for help and I'm proud of that and wish others would do the same. I'm not some crazy messed up freak that I used to think I was...I'm just like you. It's so refreshing.

Since this blog is really for me and I could care less if people read this...I'm going to write down some of the things that my psychotherapist told me that still stand out to me while I'm here at home typing this.

First, I'll start with my first session with her when she said, most people in today's generation change careers every 7 years and change jobs every 2. Wow. That, woosh, took the pressure right off. If I don't like what I'm doing...I'll change it!

Second, your business degree that you used to think poorly of and feel guilty for is really a stepping stone in your journey that has gotten you to where you are today. Everything in life, then, could be a stepping stone.

Third, when we tell a child to put others before yourself, we are really trying to teach the young children that there are other people out there that have feelings just like us. When you get older, that same mantra doesn't really apply any longer. It is a mutual respect, instead. I respect myself and I respect you. Vice versa. It's about being assertive, not aggressive or passive or passive-aggressive.

And there are so many more moments, but I think I'll stop there. Just want to make sure I write them down somewhere so I'll never forget.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

So, today is my 23rd day of running a low grade fever. Fortunately most of the lower abdominal pain is gone now...but the fever remains. I am taking the same medicine that I used two weeks ago again and I hope it works this time otherwise a colonoscopy or something else might be in my future :/

So for my next counseling session on Thursday, I had to answer a few pages of questions asking me who I thought that I was. Who am I? It was an interesting introspective evening for me. I answered some questions that I didn't think I knew the answers to and surprised myself.

Here are a couple of my responses just for grins ---

1. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? When I see someone accomplish their dreams and do something absolutely beautiful I am inspired. Watching dance shows, for example, inspires me to do something creative. Listening to classical music inspires me to play my viola and contribute. I feel enlightened and motivated. When I see someone overcome something tremendous and succeed this also motivates me. Poetry does as well.

2. What are you interested in? What are you passionate about? What are you not interested in? What bores you? I am interested in the arts - dance, paintings, writing, music; helping the homeless, the environment, children less fortunate than me, breaking barriers and stereotypes, relationships, poetry, learning and self-improvement daily, accomplishments. I am bored when I have nothing to do and am alone at home watching the T.V.

3. How ambitious are you? What are your life ambitions? I would say that I am very ambitious. My life ambitions are to be an L.P.C. by 25 with a private practice by 30-35. I hope to adopt by 34. I want to learn ballroom dancing and compete, publish my own poetry, travel to Greece and Italy and learn a new language.

4. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? That I had a passion for life, that I lived my dreams and had fun and romance, great friends and family that supported me. I was a moral person who served my community and that I had impacted people's lives. That I was a kind and generous person to everyone I met.

When my mom read my responses, many of which were about family, she said that she was was not surprised by anything that I said about myself but felt that she knew her family better.

I'm still waiting on an acceptance/denial letter from OU-Tulsa for this semester. They are taking their sweet time. There's only 6 hours at OU-Tulsa that I can take this semester so I'm going to hope to find some classes at NSU or ORU. Hopefully they are still enrolling. Crossin my fingers!!

Work is going well. For the first 6 days or so of work, I didn't know if my body could take much more. There's so much lifting of heavy objects, standing on your feet, cutting a lot of new flowers, just a lot of labor. It's different than I thought it would be. I would leave with my hair curled because of the tremendous amount of sweat pouring from my face and with my entire body shaking. BUT, now I'm used to it. I'm sweating less, no more shaking, and I've lost about 2.5% BMI already! It's like exercising 6 hours a day! Hah! Also, yesterday, I got to do many more arrangements which is always fun. It allows me to express my creativity! And flowers are always pretty and welcoming. I actually dreamed about flowers last night! Flowers flowers everywhere.

Anyway, that's my life right now. Just a little update.