Jesus Camp

So I just watched Jesus Camp this morning. Hmmm...I don't know what to say haha. I rented it at Blockbuster a few nights ago. There was nothing else that looked interesting! Most of the good movies were rented out and I've always wanted to just see it.

I think that she has a good heart, but at the very least, her approach is all wrong.

The first thirteen minutes with the kids seizing and shouting in tongues even freaked me out! And I grew up in an Assembly of God church! I could only imagine how someone unchurched felt when they saw that.

And teaching kids about abortion? What was that about?? I don't think they're even old enough to know what to think. And taping "LIFE" on their lips....o man.

One nine year old said that depending on what church you go to, Jesus may or may not be there. That's sad. She said that if you're not up shouting, dancing and exclaiming "Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus" then He's not there. I personally think that Jesus is with you at all times. I love how Rob Bell puts it in his Breathe video when he talks about how everyone is breathing his unspeakable name. Everyone. To live you speak his name, to die you speak his name one last time. I love it. Another blog.... :)

Ted Haggard describes what evangelism is to little kids as if it's a marketing ploy stating that the kid's "love it". That when the teachers are telling them that they're animals, they're telling them that God loves them so they, in a sense, buy in. At least that's how I took it. Which is true -- but it just sounded wrong.

Becky (is that her name?), at one of their nightly services, tells the children that they are hypocrites. That some of the kids are christians but aren't acting like it all the time, at home and at school. I felt sorry for the kids. They're kids. They show them all crying and I could only think about how guilty they were made to feel. Guilt. Great "tactic". This is coming from the lady that in the first five minutes talked about fat lazy people that couldn't fast for a day or 40 days when she weighs about 200 pounds. Sorry! That's how I saw it, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Becky also preaches about the ploys that Satan can use to draw you away from God. The first being sin. I agree with Jeff that she should be countering the darkness with light, not with dark. She even writes, the wages of sin is death in a font that looks like blood is dripping. Another scare tactic. Let's scare it into 'em. Well, I guess it works. At one point she yells out three times "This means war!"...to which I responded "What about love!". (I was watching this by myself haha).

Now I realize that the people that made this movie had an agenda and that things were probably made out of context. However, the people said what they said. I just think it's sad.

I guess what gets me is that I went to youth camps and things like that. I don't remember it being that bad. I mean we certainly weren't required to all raise our hands and all speak in tongues at the same time. And, I won't even say that I discount my entire time at the camps. Sometimes I had great moments. I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I don't know.

I will say that I don't think that there's only one way to worship God. That you have to be loud and boisterous and jump up and down. It doesn't make me a bad person for worshipping him the way that I do.

A much needed break

This break has really been needed and, bonus, it has been awesome!

I have got to spend a LOT of time with my best friend that I've known since we were two or three. We went to Riverfield Country Day School together and we've been friends ever since. She's been off at OSU and now Langston while I've been here in Tulsa. I love her like she's my sister! I never feel judged when I'm around her and we've got each other's backs!

Well, we've watched many movies like The Duchess and Transformers. We've played pool a couple of times with the guys at Magoos! We've been to parties. We've had a bon fire. We went to the mall and got dresses and purses. And we just got back from Sharky's where I absolutely sucked at pool, but had a blast! I love having stuff to do with my bestie! I'm sad that she'll be going back to Stillwater on the seventh.

And besides my bestie, I have celebrated Christmas with the family and got wonderful presents! I went to see the Nutcracker and Cirque de Soleil which was AWESOME! And on Wednesday night I'll be ringing in the new year at the Ice Ball with my friend! I've also baked holiday cookies! And the best part of it all is that it's not over -- I still have until the 12th! YAY! :D

I finally feel like I'm living and that I'm not cooped up depressed in my house alone. And it feels great! I just hope that it lasts into this last semester.

Speaking of, I was telling my mom about a conversation that I had with a guy tonight at Sharky's. I was telling the guy, who is majoring in architectural engineering, that I wanted to do architecture but that it's too late. When I told my mom those exact words, she said "it's not too late. You could do that". What? Come again? I would've thought that she'd say something like "too expensive", "not a good line of work", "you should focus on your masters" or "you should get a job", not what she said. I don't know why I'm that surprised but I am. So...I guess I'm going to look into it. TU doesn't have an architecture program, I've looked.

O and my grade for negotiations is not yet posted, still. Grrrr I wanna know! It's eating me up! He should have those 150 pages read by now ;P

Somehow I made an A in my finance class, the one where I had to make an 87% or higher! Now I'm waiting on my grade in orchestra (and I think I'll get an A) and my grade in Negotiations (iffy). I played viola at December commencement yesterday. Makes me realize how close it is for me, especially when I see some of my friends graduating! And...now I know I can wear an honor stole and not feel too singled out or look goofy! Good to know!

Yesterday my family also went to Eloda's for lunch - which turned into a day long event! But, it was very fun. Siaosi, eventually Carrie, and Bergen also came by so it wasn't just my family and Eloda and Earl. We played liverpool rummy for hours, a tradition for us now at these types of family gatherings. It still makes me a little sad that there are other family members that are absent, but I know it would only prove to be very stressful or it would lead to a full on fight! No joke! It almost happened in 2005 before my grandpa passed away - I can only imagine what would happen today.

I saw Yes Man a few nights ago with my friend. It surprised me! I knew that Jim Carrey was funny and that I could expect humor, but I didn't think that I'd expect a good message too! The main point of the movie is to put yourself out there, because you are worth it. Stop turning down offers to hang out, go to dinner, go see a movie, etc. when your only reason is that you don't feel like you're enough, that you don't have anything to offer. Of course, you should say "no" sometimes for good reasons...but ultimately it's important to live life! It's too short! I think that it was just what I needed to hear!

Finals

My last final is tomorrow afternoon at 1pm. Good thing it's so late because I didn't really start studying until 8pm tonight. I went shopping with my best friend instead and ate dinner and relaxed. I think I look at this last final not only as a hurdle, because I have to make an 87% to keep an A in the course (and it may be on the verge of possible haha), but only one more step closer to graduating in May and starting a real life! YIKES! So, I guess I'm trying to put off the inevitable...isn't really working out haha.

I was looking at facebook earlier this evening, ok about 10 minutes ago. Some of my friends down there just had their formal for HIS (the sorority that I was apart of and initiated into in Texas during my time at TCU). They all look so beautiful. They all look so happy. Why did I ever leave TCU? I've wanted to stay in touch with them - and I know that they're not too busy to use facebook because they've been writing on each other's walls all the time - but I feel like they make no effort to keep in touch with me. And I have made the effort, I've sent messages, wrote on walls, chatted online on facebook chat. But, somehow it always ends up that they respond back once and that's it. Then they're finished with me and can cast me aside because I live in another state. It hurts. These two girls I thought would be my best friends forever. I thought that they would be bridesmaids in a future wedding (in fact we promised each other). I felt more alive and like myself when I was with them. We had things to do, we had places to be, we could talk to each other until late at night, we could bake cookies together, we could go dancing together...you name it. I guess what I really miss is having something to do with people that I love.

It all just makes me want to branch out and away from Tulsa, because maybe if I'm not living at home and being codependent on my mother and Haley while building up anger against my dad, I could finally make new friends and have my own life. At least that's how I felt while I was in Fort Worth...even if it was just a semester.

Newsweek

Newsweek recently wrote an article that "lays out the religious case for gay marriage". In her article, Lisa Miller quotes bible verses and passages to support her stance.

This is not the point of this particular note. What I actually found more interesting were the comments left on the website that discusses "religious reaction" to the article.

Here's a link: http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/readback/archive/2008/12/08/a-religious-reaction-to-gay-marriage.aspx?GT1=43002

So here's a comment, the first one actually that I saw:

"The most disgusting and perverted mind is one that "knows" the truth. A Belief does not necessarily make a Truth.

Arguing with a religious person is as practical as beating your head with a brick. They've closed their minds to anything that conflicts with their belief system...Until something in their own judgemental lives forces them to see the real light."

Now I have not read the book Unchristian which looks at outsiders perspectives of Christianity (it's somewhere in my house), but I think that whoever wrote this pretty much sums up the viewpoint outlined in the book. Pretty sad.

Here's another:

"Her article was ridiculous - she picked and chose random verses to fit her point of view and didn't look at the Bible in its entirety. In Leviticus it flat out says that it is sinful for one man to lie w/ another. Plus, she cites the woman by the well story - and how that means Jesus befriended immoral people. What she leaves out is that after he talks with her he says "go and sin no more." She's right about love being the overarching theme but that doesn't mean we are supposed to live sinful lifestyles and act like it's okay. It just means that the sin of homosexuality is the same as any other sin.

But the problem wasn't her points so much is that Newsweek didn't allow the other side a rebuttal. Every one of her arguments can be easily taken down by someone with a more scholarly knowledge of the Bible...also, it's clear that she's not a Christian! If you're going to have some impassioned argument about Christianity's justification for gay marriage...then have an actual religious scholar write the debate. And she even points out that very few churches condone the practice...hmmm, I wonder why they have such a different interpretation of the Bible than she does!"

Why would she write this if she is firm in her beliefs other than to make an attempt to defend, what, God? As if God needs defending? And how does she know that she's not a "christian" which I guess to her would mean a "believer" or "God follower"? Shouldn't God be the only judge of that? (yes, ok guilty of doing this as well...hopefully more so in the past than in the present). What I also found interesting is her premise about the religious scholar. I kind of find it interesting to read someone elses's perspective on the bible for a change. See how someone else is reading it. Probably wrong isn't it...oops. Also, I don't think that this one article could harm christians more so that whan christians do themselves on a daily basis (stuff I'm guilty of as well, unfortunately).

I don't hate everything that she wrote - if homosexuality is a sin (staying away from declaring my views), then it is just like any other sin. So why do people make homosexuality such an issue! Why not make gossiping or lying an issue? They are people, people.

Only more reason for me to call myself a follower of Christ.

Just found this comment, one that I like because it's basically what I'm trying to say:

"I wouldn't say I am very religious, however I do go to church every Sunday. I go to church, not because I think that if i don't I'll go to Hell. I go to church every Sunday to remind myself to judge no one but myself. I go to church to remind myself to LOVE and ACCEPT everyone. I am not writing this to change anyone's mind, because it won't. I am just hoping that for a moment, people may read this, and let go of judgements, and know that we are all connected and are as one. No one of us is better than another. The underlying message in any holy scripture is to love oneself, so that you can truly love another. Be kind to others. Why in the world are people worried about others "sins" when they should be focused on their own. Seeing ways to better themselves, not better others. In my humble opinion, the Bible is much too old for anyone to interpret, and if you have ever taken any foreign language classes, you should know that not everything CAN be translated directly. One should focus on the main points, not try to find hidden meaning in every single letter of every single word. You'll only end up blinding yourself to the truth and beauty of the world.

Here is my main point: We are all human! We are all the same! LOVE is LOVE! And if you are Christian, I think that it is safe to say that you would agree with the statement that where ever Love is God is. So isn't it much better just to Love and accept than to Hate or judge?"

Last day of the fall semester!

I turned in my Diplomacy Journal today - all 150 pages of it (80 of which were written by me and my partner, Kim). Felt so good. It was bound nicely, thanks Kinkos! And it was definitely the largest journal there! I better get an A or I will be sitting in Wolfe's office, "negotiating".

Judge Wolfe asked us tonight in class what we had gained from negotiations. What I said was that it was necessary to prepare, identify your BATNA (or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement), and to not bid against yourself. What I really wanted to say was that I learned how to swindle, how to lie to someone while looking them straight in the eye, how to bluff, how to cheat, how to backstab and how to lose relationships quickly. What great concepts.

What some people said about us tonight made me sad. Virtually everyone attacked us this past move. Why? What have we done? At least I have not tried to be someone's fake friend before mowing them over.

I do feel like I left with a tiny shred of dignity. We decided to help England, even though they made a move this last round to attack us. They were our one ally throughout the game, and we did not want to take cheap shots just to get points.

One person said that women are emotional. Another said that we (France) were deceptive and that we couldn't be trusted, despite the many support moves (and lies from other countries as well) we made and trying to seem empathetic (AND this is coming from Ivana, the lead negotiator for Russia, the person that had no guilt or ill feelings at taking advantage of virtually every player in the game - right). One person laughed when I said what I would do differently next time, thanks asshole (AJ).

I left feeling defeated and dissatisfied. I actually wanted to walk out when he said that we had one more move to play. Yes I made the game personal, because others also made it personal and emotional. It is sexist to think that only women are emotional, ok, helloooooo JB!!!!

In the end, I kept my face still, without emotion. But, I couldn't hide my red cheeks from my blood pressure rising. I didn't make any wise cracks, no degradations, and I didn't make low ball comments like some of the other players in class.

I end the game with 5 supply centers...the losing lot.

But enough! The class is over! No more of this wretched God-awful game! And...with it no more friendly relationships with some members of teams, unfortunately.

I'm watching an orchestra play on Ovation! They are absolutely fantastic and amazing. Thank goodness I do not have class tomorrow! I can sleep in a little - say til 9am.

I've almost completed my Christmas shopping! I've got stocking stuffers for the fam. I've gotten Haley's gift. I'm not buying a gift for my dad. But, I've still got to get my mom a gift. And I think I know what to get her too!

If this Diplomacy game has taught me anything useful, it is that people can make decisions and actions that I'll never truly know the intent of. So, I quickly judge that to mean one thing, while they may have another motive, possibly a good one, in mind. I should be willing to trust, willing, unless someone proves me wrong. I don't think I have a high trust propensity. Actually, very low probably.

Only two tests, a presentation and paper, a jury, a rehearsal and a performance left and then the semester will be OVER! Yay! And then I will be one semester away from graduating! Scary!

Since I stayed up until 2am last night working on my journal, I bid adieu and goodnight. Sleep tight.

Fashion bug

Oscar de la renta
Diane von Furstenburg
Carolina Herrera
Jean Paul Gaultier (Couture)

4 designers that I absolutely love. Just thought I'd let everyone know. No real reason.

I've decided not to attend law school - at least for now. The LSAT is on Dec. 6th and I had not started studying until Thanksgiving. I took a diagnostic test for Kaplan and I didn't make a high score, actually pretty low. And given that the test is less than 2 weeks away, I did not feel like there was any way that I could fully prepare myself. It's my own fault. I waited too long.

So, now I've got to figure out what to do with my life. It's hard to decide what you want to do when you're only 20! Especially when you're about to graduate b/c maybe there are some things that you would like to do, but that you need more experience for, another type of degree for and so the door is shut. Sucks. Man if I could do it over...but I can't.

I've got three options that I can foresee: find a job, teach for america (who's already called me), and get an MBA. I gotta say, I'm kinda leaning toward teach for america for 2 years and then get an MBA because most MBA programs require that you have two years of experience anyway. AND, most of the jobs that I've been looking at, at places that I would want to work, require an MBA but ALSO require 2-5 years of experience as well. So getting an MBA so soon may make me overqualified for some jobs and underqualified for others. I don't know, something to think about.

Still got about 16 pages of stuff to write this weekend and part of next week for a journal due on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!!

Movies I want to see

Seven Pounds (yummy Will Smith!)
Australia (yummy Hugh Jackman)
Bolt
Quantum of Solace (yummy Daniel Craig)
Marley and Me (funny Owen Wilson)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (yummy Brad Pitt)
Yes Man (funny Jim Carrey)
Brothers Bloom (Mark ruffalo)
Madagascar 2

- of course I do not have the money to see ALL of these in theaters. But the ones I really want to see in theater are seven pounds, quantum of solace, and I don't know one other maybe.

I know that I don't want to see Brothers Bloom on the big screen though so that rules one out.

Anyone want to go with me? The more the merrier! FYI, I wrote all of these down so I'd remember. Because usually I see a movie I want to see and then I never remember so I don't see it.

Thanksgiving Break

I've still been thinking about creativity since we discussed it at Agora on Saturday night. It's something that I've already been dealing with - just read my first post. I was telling my friend about how I had lost my creative juices and she helped me feel better about myself. She said, "Kelsy, maybe you're just in a slump". Maybe...Hopefully...

I saw Twilight the movie yesterday. It was ok...just blah. It was slow. I didn't like who they picked for Edward - his acting sucked and he was a little weird. Their chemistry was COMPLETELY off. Yuck. Hated that. The only thing I liked was how I could see some transition parts better now because of the movie - like driving in the car, or rushing to keep Bella out of harms way. I'm definitely going to have to go back and reread the books now! Well, when I find the time.

It's Thanksgiving break and I will be working on - my OB paper, my diplomacy journal, my two page summaries for ten articles, two five page papers, and the LSAT. Not much of a break. Thankfully, most of the OB paper is done - just some very minute fine tuning stuff. And also, my diplomacy journal is basically good too - just very unedited right now, very raw. So that leaves, what, only 30 more pages of stuff to write...WHAT??? PLUS studying for the LSAT!! Great...I know my partner is writing one of the five page papers...so really it's like 25 pages.

We're meeting tomorrow for that stuff and hopefuly we'll get it done before Wednesday so I can have the rest of the break to study for the LSAT and actually relax because obviously I'm not going to really study on Thanksgiving. Heck, I hope I at least get to study period. I haven't. even. started. NOT. GOOD. FREAKING OUT!

Anyway, I hope that everyone else is having a great Thanksgiving holiday. I will be SO happy when this semester is OVER!

Pre-Sleep Thoughts

Has anyone ever played the game Diplomacy? Next question - has anyone ever played the game Diplomacy for a grade, where the winner gets full credit (A) and the loser (no matter how hard they tried) gets an F? Yea, well that's my Negotiations class in a nutshell.

The other problem I have is that it has turned us into suspicious, competitive people :( People that were my friends are now going behind my back and getting angry and upset over this stupid game! Myself included. I don't think that it's fair, especially when people are unwilling to communicate. How can you negotiate with someone that won't communicate? Answer - you can't. And that royally sucks when my grade depends on it. Hmph. :(

Have you ever gotten a backhanded compliment? Don't you just love those haha. It's actually an insult disguised as a compliment. I had one given to me recently - " I see that you're going to law school next semester, that's awesome. Where are you going? That's amazing by the way". See what I mean? Love it!

Have you ever thought that Obama could be the anti-christ? Come on, we've all thought it haven't we?!? LOL Even the news media says that he'll be the person to unite the political parties and relationships with other countries. I don't know...it's probably rubbish. It's in God's hands.

Have you ever wondered if you've either got too much on your plate or it you're just lazy? I am. I quit my job, a good one, at US Cellular. I've got three papers, three presenations, club meetings, orchestra concerts, and an LSAT with a very expensive online study course with 35 hours worth of online videos waiting for me - all leading up to December. It's going to be a busy next couple of weeks. Then come end of December I will have law school apps to fill out. BUT, I will also have VACATION! Yay! Hopefully, as in, I hope that my mom will EVENTUALLY make the arrangements.

My eyes are tired so I'm going to go to bed.

Lonely Nights

"I wanna be a God follower/ I wanna go wherever he leads" - Steven Curtis Chapman

So I've started listening to SCC again and I have to see even though he's a little gumball, his lyrics are amazing. Iaboslutely love what he says with his music. And the song about adopting moves me to tears.

So I'm also in this weird rent old classic movies that you've never seen before kick - so I have now seen The Graduate, Footloose, Dead Poet's Society etc. etc. I like watching the old "classics". They're really good. I'm sure there's more too, but can't remember. O well.

So it's nights like tonight where I feel really lonely. Yea, wah wah wah, boo hoo Kelsy. I know. It's just that I realize how secluded I've made myself. How much I wish I had friends that liked to call me for a change to do something instead of the other way around - I'm not saying that they never do. And actually tonight all of them are busy busy busy. Two are sick, one's grieving, and one is meeting their fiance at the airport. I need a life is really what I need.

How should I set about getting this new exciting life. I want to travel - we all know that. I'm also applying to many different law schools like UC Colorado Law, UNC Law, Berkeley, Univ of Virginia Law, William and Mary etc. etc. That's a really broad list - but I'm still thinking of others to. In fact I gave my professor my letter of recommendation today! Woo hoo one step closer.

Can you see me at Berkeley? I asked my mom that the other day and she said no, without hesitation thank you very much :( I would absolutely love it because it's so close to San Francisco and I ADORE San Francisco. I love the hustle and bustle, the scenery, the people, the culture, the things to do! All of it! I wouldn't mind the mountains of Colorado, the mountains/ocean of North Carolina and the friendly atmostphere. I hear Virginia's a beauty too. Well I know that at least three of those listed above I have to make at least a 170 LSAT score to get accepted - pray with me that I can do it! I've signed up for Kaplan's online LSAT course so hopefully it will help me!!!

So next step - start hanging out with more people. Broaden my scope of friends? But, does that mean that I'll have too many friendships that have no depth? Cause I don't want that. I just want to be able to talk to people, for them to care and hear me. Then I want them to talk and for them to know I'm listening. Gushy - but it's how I feel. And I want a real man! A real follower of Christ hunk! Where can I find me one of those - it's about damn time for one that's for sure.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be on depression meds too. I know they don't really work for ya long term. Therapy is key. But who has time for that - I sure don't!

O well. I'm going to go watch a sappy chick flick and then cry about it! :D haha. Peace out!

Grandma, Babysitting and Former Jobs

So my grandma officially does not have a brain tumor, yay! But, she thinks that she's dying. So she's asking my mom for her two other siblings and their kids. Well, the doctor thinks that she's going to be fine - she just has diverticulitis. So her appetite has definitely decreased. The doctor doesn't think that there's a bleed in her lower abdomen somewhere, but we'll know for sure tomorrow when they do a colonoscopy.

I babysat miss Emi tonight. She is soooo cute! And she was pretty much an angel! She never got fussy and she never did anything terribly wrong. She just washed her hands about 16 times in 5 hours! Haha. She even went to sleep without any fuss! Easy! I would babysit her again anytime!

I wanted to ask Tiffany about The Allison Firm and I didn't get to. Apparently there was some confusion about my leave from the firm last summer. My cousin told me that Tiffany was angry that I left a week early. Well, here's the true story - I gave them a THREE weeks notice. I came in at the start of the last week (the third week) and my code for the door didn't work. I clocked in as usual and went back to the paralegal to get my task for the day. She was surprised to see me and asked what I was doing there. I explained to her that I had given them a three weeks notice and she said that they weren't planning on me being there and that they had set my leave date two weeks after I gave them my three weeks notice. So I left! They didn't need me! No more job. Well, I heard that Tiffany thought that it was wrong of me to leave early.

The reason I bring this up is because I've been wanting to ask her ever since Erin told me that, one. And I didn't get the job at Oneok, Inc. And the interviewer, the VP from Oneok, asked me point blank that if he asked The Allison Firm how they would appraise me as an employee what they would say. Red Flag. Then he asked me if I had talked to them since I had left. Another red flag. I'm definitely going to take them off of my resume - unfortunately because it looks really good on a law school app.

So I think that I might send her an e-mail or give her a call soon just to ask.

Ok well I'm pooped after all of this and diplomacy talk too. So I'm going to bed yo! Don't forget to set your clocks back!

Pianists, School and Family

Does anyone besides me ever watch OETA? I don't watch it regularly, but when I do I wish that I did more! I just finished watching this special on the New York Inaugural Competition for Pianists. O my goodness those teenagers are amazing!

Their talent and maturity to play such difficult music is amazing. They have such discipline and dedication and sometimes unfortunately lower social skills. But still, they're amazing. My hat goes off to them, seriously! Never in a MILLION years would I EVER be able to play what I just heard - they're as good as the greats of our time.

Makes the think about wanting a passion in my life. Sometimes I just feel so passionless. That's my current problem if you were to ask me. I still don't really know. I may never know!

Well, it's coming down to the wire. (I really hate talking about college and stuff. I know it's boring so just put up with it for a few more minutes :) please. Haha) I took a free practice LSAT on Sunday. Didn't go so well. It was, in my defense, my first time to ever look at the LSAT or any of it's problems. So in order to help me, I think I'm going to take an online Kaplan LSAT prep course.

I was looking around last night at law schools with joint degree programs. And I was totalling the money needed. GOOD GOD! TU - $109,000+ for the next four years. Or OU - $56000+ for the next four to five years. I know that the return will be good and it will pay for itself...but how long will that take. My biggest fear is that I'll get in there, I'll be good and graduate with two more degrees and then I will realize that I want to do something COMPLETELY different and then the degrees will be worthless!

That's why I've been trying to talk to professors on campus and other people to get their take on JD/MA's. Dr Boyd says that with a JD/MA I/O Psych that I will most likely be a corporate lawyer - I won't have billable hours and I won't have to find clients.

That's great and it's something that I originally thought about before enrolling at TU. But, I'm not so sure that I would want to work for a corporation. I don't know...we'll just have to see.

Along with actually taking the LSAT and the GRE there's still so much more to do. Letters of recommendation through LSAC and the Graduate School, personal letters, etc. etc. Gosh I already feel so behind! The next LSAT is December 6th! Fortunately I can take the GRE at any time.

Ok...so there's my current attitudes on school. Enough said. Enough worrying. Enough time spent talking about it!

So my grandma might have another brain tumor growing back. A meningioma. It's what she had last time when I was about two years old. The doctors told my mom back then that if they didn't get it all in the surgery that it could grow back.

Symptoms? Incontinence, increased number and level of headaches, weakness in legs, vomiting. Welp, grandma has every one of them. Especially headaches and vomiting lately. My mom has gotten calls in the last month to go over because she's sick and shaking because she's been vomiting. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I told my mom, "she's old". It was callous, yea I get that. And for the record I don't really feel that way. Sometimes I say things like that for my own comfort to ease the reality of the situation. I don't think my family gets that. Instead I hear, "that's SO compassionate of you Kelsy". Or "we need to send you off to compassion school". Or "where can we buy you some compassion and niceness? Because you really need some!". Kinda wears on me after a while. I just want to tell them, lay off! Haha, but I don't. I did mention it once but then it hurt Haley's feelings, so no more of that.

Anyway, my grandma's having a CT/MRI soon to check. My grandma, p.s., told my mom the last time she went over there that she her brain tumor was back and that she was receiving counseling and nightly shots. All of the things I just mentioned never actually happened. The doctor is not coming in for therapy. She's not receiving shots. And no one confirmed whether she has a tumor. Weird. She even tells my mom, the therapy is really helping her. She can say whatever she wants to say. I know this may sound all spiritual and religious - but maybe she really is talking to "someone". Maybe God really is speaking to her and she can finally get everything out in the open. It's about time!

My mom is finally on depression meds also. But, unfortunately not because she thinks she needs them for depression (which she does) but to lose weight and counteract her high stress levels. Psh. I'm just happy she's finally getting at least some form of help - I know she hasn't been happy for quite some time. Low self-esteem, poor body image, low self-confidence, anxiety, high stress...etc. etc. But hey, we all got problems. I just wish she wouldn't be ashamed to be the wonderful person that I see her as.

We were at Juanitas the other night for dinner. She looked sooooo beautiful sitting there. The lighting was perfect. (No I'm not a pervert, just listen). She had just gotten her hair cut so the color was perfect. Shape perfect. Clothes perfect. So I'm sitting there looking at her for a split second and she says, "what?!? what are you looking at?" (By the way she does this to me all the time). I say "You're very pretty! That's all". She looks down and says, "Well thank you" and skirts it off. Like she doesn't even deserve to be called pretty and she so does! You do not know how many times I've heard her call herself ugly, fat, whale, o if I could only lose some weight. Etc. Etc. I hate it! I love her just like she is!

Well we all know, my whole family needs therapy! No surprise there! But unfortunatley my dad refuses to go listen to some "useless" shrink. My mom says she'll go and never sets up time because she's so "busy". Yea, busy! Working and then helping Haley with her homework takes up literally her entire day. And then when my dad refuses to help clean, cook, do the dishes, etc. it just means more work. And yes, sometimes I refuse to help. So I recognize that I'm part of the problem ok. I'm just sayin...I'm just spewing.

O enough ranting. I'm tired. And now I'm in a pissy mood haha.

Well I'm going to go relax a little. Luckily I don't have work tomorrow so I can do some homework then. Then off to a meeting for lunch for a class and a leadership meeting tomorrow night. Then test Friday, quiz monday, test wednesday and group meeting wednesday. sheesh...it never ends. Sometimes I wish I could just get a regular job and like it. BTW, I didn't get the job at Oneok, Inc. O well.

Goodnight!

Food for Thought

I heard someone today say "quarter-life-crisis". Actually seems about right to me. Now that graduation is looming itself at me in May (!) I'm starting ot think about my direction in life.

And what I'm leaning towards now more than ever is JD/MA in I/O Psych or Clinical Psychology. The only thing is though that I may have to stay an extra semester to fulfill my psych requirements - not really that big. However, if I fulfilled that and graduated in December 09...then what am I supposed to do for a whole semester? Travel? HAH! I don't think that I could really get a good psych internship - maybe a law job of some sort? Who knows. That's farther down the road and I'll worry about that when it gets here.

In other news, I really sometimes don't understand why family members can act so rotten. You've already read my previous post probably by now which outlines the many family troubles that I have witnessed or experienced myself.

Well, now my mom is being dealt it again...this time with my favorite aunt Eloda. Sad :( I don't want to end up hating her like the others. Booh. But, she's not stepping up and performing her job as a co-power of attorney. How hard is it to balance a check book and pay some bills online? Really? The reason my mom doesn't want to do it is because - frankly I think that one more thing added to her life would make her either sick as a dog because of stress (well more sick than she already is now), uuber depressed (more than she is now at least) or she'd really have a nervous break down or panic attacks. I think that my mom gets that to some degree which is why she's asked Eloda to help - but unfortunately Eloda doesn't get it. She keeps asking my mom if she wants it because she says she doesn't feel "smart" enough for the job...just suck it up Eloda. Please for my mom's sake and mine!

So I was asked the question today who are you? Has anyone seen that part of , I think it's Anger Management, when Jack Nicholson asks Adam Sandler to tell the support group who he is. So he starts off with his occuption and Jack stops him he says, "now that's not who you really are, try again". So Adam says what religion he affiliates with or something similar and Jack stops him and tells him to start again. Anyway, this happens like three times before Adam finally gets angry and kinda attacks Jack. It's funny.

But, I've always done the same thing tho - not the getting angry part, but the describing myself by labels part.

I always say I'm a student, twenty years old, musician, straight A student (at least right now), follower of Christ, dreamer, achiever, kind, self-conscious, little insecure, etc. etc. My question to the question is can you really escape all of that? Is it possible to define yourself in any other way???

I really still don't know the answer to the question because I think that I am all of those things. And what scares me even more is - what if I truly do not know who I am. What if I've lived my ENTIRE life living up to the expectations of others so much so that I truly have no idea. I took all the AP classes because my dad said to be smart enough so that the school would pay you to go there and to compete with a friend to be valedictorian. I'm in management because my dream of becoming a hair dresser was not the right expectation from my mother. The list goes on...

Is it possible to have multiple "identities". I mean we all act different in changing circumstances right? Well maybe some don't. I guess it would be better to remain the same in all - at least the former suggests to me that you are not a genuine person if you have multiple identities. That's what I've been taught to think over the years at least - may be wrong.

It's something I guess that I've struggled with for quite some time. Hopefully someday I'll figure it out. Anyway, food for thought. Who are you?

My musings...

Ok, so I've been trying to journal lately...without a true journal. Mine is in storage. So I've been using a sketch pad and I've been writing in it and also making drawings too. Kinda fun actually!

I thought I'd put some of my poems that I've written over the last 10 days on here. Some of them are not pretty...just fyi. And, you may not even think they're good...but I. Don't. Care. They're. Mine.

You, man, walk through the door.
A tiny smile (or is it a smirk?) falls across
your face for a split second.

As you walk by my pulse quickens,
blood from my feet now changes
the color of my face to unmask my
true...emotion.

Something so simple as your breathing,
as the ability to feel your heat next to mine,
gives me shivers.

Emotions don't say it all. It can't. Neither can
my words. They fail too.

Only experiencing one fleeting moment with you is the truth teller.

-Untitled 9/17/08


The ink spills, and dries.
Unbeknownst to the writer,
travelling across paper, words form.

Beyond normal comprehension,
beyond reason or time contraints.
Beyond all constraints.

Breath of life weeps liquid tears,
and more ink spill across the page,
across time,
across distance,
across space.

-Untitled. 9/17/08 I actually have NO idea where that one came from...God maybe? Who knows.

Drag this lurch, this gut, this ghoul.
Take this stench beyond my strength.

Rise up and complete me.
Beat me, for if repeat me, I defeat me.

Take away this doubt,
this mess, this second guess.

Transform my light,
refine it, correct it,
protect it and crade this
fragile and dark soul, so plight.

Erupt all expectations,
break down all walls
and let true healing take flight.

Renew my sight.

-Untitled 9/17/08


This pain, this pain.
This pain so deep, so pitiful, so engrained.

This pain that traps and conceals me,
this pain that falsely soothes me.

Is there any escape? Any
magic balm to cover the open
sores, to reduce the swelling and pus
from leaking from my heart any further?

Is it too far gone to treat?
Too heavy laden to emerge on top?
Am I stuck in this trash dump
with filth and grimy toilet seat covers
and nasty chicken tenders?

Please, God, say that hope exists.
Please, God, use that hope.
Please, God, let my hope become joy.

-Untitled 9/17/08

No lines, no rules that I must follow.

Nothing left to keep my hollow.

Just me, my pen and pad of paper
my mind can fully escape and venture.

Draped in fear, lust, disgust and distrust,
my heart pulls itself slowly out of the mog.

The sopping dirty reds and blues,
brilliant hues, muted by grime and caked
dirt - black and brown, mud and slime, thick and ...mine.

I slip, I pull, I gasp, I grieve.
No more pain as my salve.

Aching, barely breathing, barely
drumming by ba-dum ba-dums.

One drop, one sparkle, the rain
showers down.
Colors in my life, once again.

-Untitled 9/27/08


Well, that's it for the poems for now. I'll keep writing 'em though. I actually haven't written a poem in SOOO long. I think it's truly been 8 years! WOW!

I just feel so much...better about my life. It's hard to explain.

Before, I was MORE self-conscious (well I still am a little, hence the "more"). I would worry about even entering a room. Thinking that people were looking at me and instantly judging me...and I guess I thought that they were judging me badly or something. I dont know. I thought, I wonder if they don't like me?

And then there's the whole no-guy-at-this-time thing. Which there still isn't. But, right now...that's ok! Finally I can say, "That's ok!". Because for the first time in my life, I do not need a boyfriend or a man. I'm "complete" all on my own. I actually don't even have a crush.

Once I figured out that I can't figure everything out...that I actually have to trust God. WOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! The breath finally leaves me. The breath that'd I'd been holding since about the 9th grade. Maybe a little before even.

It feels good. I still don't have a guy - so what? Well, Kelsy...what if one NEVER comes along. So what? I've got friends and family! I've got my God...don't really NEED one. Yes, I WANT one...but I'm doing ok. I still don't have my life's plans all figured out either. Going to graduate in May...

Do I get a job? Do I go get my MBA? Do I relocate and move and start over? Do I even go into management? What do I do?

The answer: I don't know. I have no clue! And you know what? That's alright too. God's got it all worked out.

Sure, there are some days I worry. I actually still stress a LOT about my school work. STILL. But, hey. I know I sound cliche. And horribly so.

It used to bother me when people would say, God this and God that and God yadda yadda yadda God blah. But I don't know...I'm not trying to be a spectacle, or a show. I'm not trying to preach to you. I'm not trying to tell you how to act or judge you. I'm just happy right now. For the first time in a long time and...well I get to say whatever I want. So there.



Ok tangent. So in the midst of my journaling...I have created a list of "requirements" of things that a future guy, if any, kinda needs to have in order to have me.

Well, here it is. It's a LONG list so bear with me (if you're even still reading).

Like it says in the bible, our love will not be selfish. I want him to know that I have his best interests at heart. And I hope that he has my best interests at heart as well. I think it's kinda what love is - when you don't think about yourself first, you put someone else first for a change.

I want him to be able to open up to me completely and be a good communicator. Neither or us are mind readers. Good communication is essential! I can't handle someone who won't tell me what's on his mind.

He will respect me and I him. We'll both be loyal to each other and never cheat. Hopefully he'd never stoop that low.

He'll have a sense of humor that makes me laugh. He'll make me laugh like no one else can! But he will also be serious when he needs to be.

He won't be controlling, period.

He (preferrably) won't be sarcastic. I hate sarcasm.

He'll make me want to be a better person. I'll be the best that I can be when I'm with him. He'll love me unconditionally. We'll point each other to stronger relationships with God.

He'll be patient and not conceited.

He'll hold my hand in public and not shy away from my touch, and I his. He'll hold my back when we walk (I've always wanted that). He'll spend quality time with me - but we'll never forget the friends that we have.

He'll (preferrably!) play an instrument or sing or dance. :)

He'll tell me that he loves me!!!! He'll show me daily and I'll show him how much our love means to each other.

He'll help around the house, be philanthropic, and not focused on politics or religion! A MUST!

He'll be well rounded and self-supporting even without me. And I without him.

We'll be fabulously interdependent.

He'll feel sexy in his own skin, but I'll make him feel sexy too. He'll make me feel sexy and feel beautiful just being who I am...even in my underwear with no make-up on and hair a mess and drool out the side of my mouth!

We'll encourage one another and tell each other the truth no matter what.

He'll be a good father, spending time with the kids and really caring for them. He'll help change diapers and he'll get dirty with homework. He'll support them and me and really listen!

He'll be excited to see me. He won't be so caught up in being right, but more concerned with being loving.

And hopefully, he'll share my postmodern views on following Christ and we'll motivate each other.

So, if you fit this bill...give me a call!!! ;) haha j/k....... (seriously).

Ok, well on a lighter note... I watched Sex and the City tonight - very good! And I'm going to go watch Made of Honor. So chao!

Love...all around

So today at Agora we were talking about the 7 last words of Christ.

Did you know that "My God My God Why have you forsaken me?" was part of psalm in the old testament? I had no idea!

I had been struggling for some time after reading the Shack about what I believed about those last moments that Jesus had on the cross. I remember reading in the Shack where Papa says to Mike that he had never left Jesus, that sometimes you just can't see (me) beyond the pain. (I'll have to find the actual quote once I get the book back later) I think I sobbed for a good, well, a good length of time.

Because the whole time growing up I had been taught that God had turned his back on Jesus because He had taken on our sins, the sins of the world. And I remember thinking up until The Shack and today...How could God do that? What?!? To His ONLY son? How could he even...there's no way. What hope do I ever have then? I'm absolutely doomed? God could stop loving me! There's nothing...no reassurance. Yes he died for me, but...

Then I read The Shack and it says that God loves us WITHOUT expectations. He loves us regardless. Regardless if I sin or not.

I was sitting in Agora about two weeks ago and I was feeling down and what I had read in The Shack hadn't hit me yet...not REALLY. I mean I cried and everything at the time and though O MY GOSH! But it hadn't really, really set in. It was on the back of my mind and I was still chewing on it.

And then all of a sudden in the middle of a verse during the songs, it HIT me. I heard (ok well more like felt...I'm going to try to put this into words), I could never forsake you. I didn't leave my son...how could I ever leave you? What could you possibly do that would make me stop loving you?

O my gosh, total peace. Exuberance. Contentment. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I knew that what I read had to be true!

So I talked it over with my mom, not telling her what I felt of course, posing it as a sort of question. She disagreed. I felt crushed all over again. We had been taught under Assembly of God philosophy that you could become an un-christian. That once you were saved, you could un-save yourself....yea...not sure I believe that.

BUTTTT then today at Agora, we brought it up all over again. And Jeff pointed out that it comes from Psalms. And a missionary said that it was to fulfill the Jewish traditions of a proper burial because they would sing that at a burial. THANK YOU JESUS! And then, Jeff said that the thought that God would turn away from Jesus, some say is impossible. He can't turn away from himself. The very nature of God and who he is denies that! HALLELUJAH! I wasn't completely wrong! I can still believe that he said it...but what he says now has an AMAZING new meaning for me.

I HAVE HOPE! :)

Flickr Picutres!

Just look at the colors of this picture! Absolutely fantastic!

I absolutely LOVE this picture! Beautiful tree! Lovely deer!

This is like painting with watercolors to me. So fantastic!

I love this! Mist...

Hehe, love it also. Shes' a powerhouse! Comfortable in her own self. And reflecting images in her sunglasses!

Crazy colors huh! I know it's photo shopped but so what?

I love rainbows! And sailboats

Can't you just see the light inside her eyes! She's got real spunk and fire! I want her - she's soooo cute!

Mmmmm daffodils! Beautiful colors eh?

Can you believe that there are places on Earth that look like this? Love it! Beautiful colors. Look at the texture of the water and the color of the orange!

See the little leaf! A splash of yellow...almost forgotten but beautiful just the same.

I wish that I could sack out any place that I wanted. Beautiful baby just the same. Love all the different colors here as well. The blue of the stand, the reds and yellows and blues.

Just look at the light shining, beaming through the trees! I want to be there, right there when the sun sets and when the sun rises.

Hope you enjoyed the pictures I found on Flickr. Definitely not pictures that I've taken!!! But aren't they just gorgeous!!! Hats off to the authors of these photos!

Isn't the juxtaposition of the light and dark, and the deep red beautiful. Great fall picture!

Thinking....

When I was in elementary school, I thought going home sick was AWESOME! In the first grade, I would fake being sick ALL the time in the first grade. I actually had the school nurse in the first grade pull me aside after my umpteenth time of going home "sick" and tell me that either there was something seriously wrong with me, or I was faking it. So....well, that stopped me faking it for the rest of the school year...actually the rest of my elementary school career. But, I still thought through the rest of elementary school that I was lucky if I was sick because I didn't have to go to school. That didn't change.

Now, not so much. Now, it's REALLY boring and stressful. I've been sick since Tuesday morning. I've been taking antibiotics for approximately 30 hours and I'm still running a small fever! I know, it's only been 30 hours but, dang it I'm impatient.

I've already basically done all the homework that I need to do. So I don't have to worry much about school work, thank goodness. The only thing left that's worrying me is Diplomacy, a game that we're all playing in my negotiations class. We're supposed to have moves ready for Saturday and my partner and I have not started any negotiations. Not smart - actually it's making me REALLY nervous. I hate being behind on things. I know that we can probably negotiate enough Friday night, but it still bugs me. Especially when we're supposed to be keeping a log of all discussions between classes (and it's going to be graded too).

Well, short blog, but I have a dentist's appointment. Talk to ya'll later!

Sick

I'm sick...ugh. Fever for two days straight.

Yesterday, I went to work even with the low grade fever, cancelled my viola lesson, and then suffered through my class from 6-8. My head was so foggy I could hardly pay attention. Do you know how hard it is to look like you're paying attention when you can't concentrate. Lots of nodding and smiling. Luckily there's no tests in that class and luckily I already did the homework, turns out, a week in advance! Oops.

Today, woke up with a higher fever and sweating in bed. Thought about going to all four of my classes today, but just couldn't do it. So, I went to the doctor instead and got some meds. Hopefully this will be over soon. I really hate being sick.

So, now I'm laying on my couch with two blankets and plenty of fluids. Watching General Hospital (my favorite soap). The show has been in my blood literally before birth. My mom used to watch it while she was pregnant with me and I would dance to the theme song when I was three! See what I mean?

I really hate how they aren't updating the beginning reel. It's the same people and it has been for over a year! And some of those people have been killed off : Emily, Logan, Michael and why is Mac on there in the first place? He hardly has a role? So in the mean time Johnny, Claudia and the Zocchara's aren't even on there. Neither is Rik's dad. Neither is Laura (who's back! yay!).

Anyway, I'm getting off my "soap" box. HAHA. Time to try and get some sleep. Did any of this blog make sense? Still not concentrating....

Welcome to my Blog

Hi, I'm Kelsy and welcome to my blog!

I'm a senior at the University of Tulsa majoring in Business Management (and maybe a minor in psychology, but we'll see). It's funny how people start out by telling you their rank in school isn't it. Just a fleeting thought -- I guess it's because it's what currently consumes most of my life at the moment. O well. Anyway, I plan on pursuing my MBA after I graduate in May....although I haven't decided where. I'm thinking University of Denver, University of Colorado Denver, or UNC Charlotte. I want to live near the mountains (can you tell?).

Really, I have little knowledge myself of why I'm pursuing an MBA other than the fact that I don't want school to end...not yet. I entered into college as a sophomore at 18 and now I'm going to graduate with an undergraduate degree when I'm 20! Still too soon to enter into the business world if you ask me. So, I'm going to go to school one year after this May. And I want to live somewhere beautiful. Is that a crime? Preferably with a large arts community and teaming city life!

I still think about going to law school every now and then. Especially now, since I have a law professor teaching my negotiations class of an evening. He tells the most fantastic stories of cases that he's tried or of mediations he's been involved in. It's fascinating to me. After working at a certain law firm here in Tulsa (won't give you the name), I thought I NEVER wanted to work at a law firm again. The manager was a micro-manager and I could never do anything right. It was a state of continual bitching, and I was on the receiving end. :( So that settled it...I thought. After being pre-med and pre-law I have "settled" for - management.

Let me tell you, not my original choice at all. I never thought that I'd be getting the same degree my mother graduated with from TU over 20 years ago! I didn't want to at all! But I'm starting to like the business school. At first I thought, this is boring, what am I doing here? But, now I see how it really does relate to everyday life! Pretty interesting now.

I still wonder if I should've gone with psychology, or exercise and sports science (for physical therapy), or went ahead and pursued that M.D. I guess I was/still am into serving people. Always has been my nature. Sometimes to my detriment, unfortunately. Just ask me about Josh (AKA Asshole) and what he and his little tramp did to me and another girl in Marketing and that pretty much sums up how I let some people treat me. It's not fair -- to me. I shouldn't do that, but it's a habit. One that I'm trying to overcome! :)

But back to my original point, how did I get here? When I was little I would write poetry...actually just looked at the document and I have well over a dozen poems that I wrote in the 7th to 8th grade. I would sing and write songs! I would sketch things ALL the time! I played the piano (much better than I do now - although it still remains my momentary escape from chaos). I wanted to do something great with my life...well no great is the wrong word. I wanted to do something creative!

You know where I went wrong? High school - I decided to take almost all AP classes my last year. Did it help me in the long run? Sure, I got out of a total of 27 hours at TU (hence my entering as a sophomore). But what did it do to me - it sucked the life out of me. It sucked out the creative juices in some areas and I became a well oiled, test-taking machine. UGH! I don't know, it's something I sometimes regret.

You know where else I went wrong? I started PANICKING about what degree to get in college. It doesn't help that most people get two years to declare a major where I only had ONE! So what did I do - I went online to those personality tests and skills tests websites and I took their tests. Sometimes I even paid (well my mom did). And what did those tests tell me? - That I wasn't creative. That I wasn't suited to become an editor, or a writer, or an author, or a musician, or an architect, or an interior designer, or anything having to do with using your mind (All of those are areas I've been interested in!). Basically confirming what the last two years of high school did to me. So, that finished me off. I doubted that I had any creative juices left. And now --- four years later I'm in business. Now can you see how I sometimes loathe the path that I took.

BUT! I'm not giving up hope. Within an MBA you can specialize - so I figure why not specialize in "Project Management" and oversee great creative projects. Or, why not specialize in human resources and serve people. Anyway, it's stuff that I'm still looking into.



Okay, so ENOUGH about school and the path that I've fallen into. I think that I need to vent. I think that everyone needs to vent every once in a while! Don't you? This is the perfect place, eh? A blog. So let's do it!

This has been one of the best and worst summers of my life! And let me tell you why (you knew that was coming right?).

I'll start with "best". Well, I decided to take a class, an international business law class. HAHA something that doesn't even really exist. "International law" -- there are no REAL international laws. Anyway, the class had a required 10-day trip to England. I jumped at the idea! I've only been to Alaska (another GREAT summer - one of the best...went to San Francisco and Alaska and we were gone over 20 days! LOVE) and to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (Also LOVE). I've never been overseas. Turned out to be one of the best trips and one of the best experiences of my life. Sometime later I'll have to post some pictures. Everything was absolutely. beautiful. Lovely. Old. Everything had a history! Just like people - everyone has a history.

So that was the "Best" - now to the "worst". Well my grandma got sick - she had septic shock, kidney failure and E. Coli. She's still actually in rehab and will be for at least another 2 weeks. So that SUCKED. Well, I knew this was coming - I'm psychic (lol just kidding - I only know what happened the last time someone got sick, my grandpa). My mom's side of the family IMPLODED.

Full scale warfare broke out! My aunt Brenda didn't even bother to show up at the hospital (except once) OR help in any way (even though she's 15 minutes from the hospital. And let's see - she drove +10 hours to Houston TWICE in two weeks to see another sick family member). Argel also was useless (still hanging onto 30 years of negative thoughts - a grudge that he can't let go of). SOOOO that left my mom and Eloda to fend for my grandma. Vicious e-mails were sent between all parties. And, if that's not enough, Brenda resigned her power of attorney leaving it all to my mom (who about had a heart attack, blood pressure spiking...not pretty).

AND, what do you know, leave it to Erin. She sends me degrading text messages and e-mails telling me to grow up, to not put my emotions on facebook, that I'll never be in any relationship, that I'm not a mature adult (although she is? HAH!). Anyway, a bunch of negative stuff. SOOOO I decide that I'm not going to put up with her bullshit any longer. I've put up with it, and I'm serious, since I was about 4 (whenever I actually start to remember stuff). So, I fight back. That only eggs Erin on. Yes, unfortunately I already knew that.

Well, so who's left to get involved in my mom's family. O yes, Glenda. She writes me a LOVELY e-mail telling me that I'm basically being sadistic, unforgiving and etc etc just like my grandma to Erin and that cutting her out of my life is a mistake. What's one more rude e-mail between friends. You seriously think that I'm NOT going to respond??? O I did...my mom had to edit it actually. I had hives I was so angry. Anyway, that's dead and buried. She responded back but basically "Sort of" apologized.

So after my grandma getting sick, my mom's family in WWIII, and my great aunt Ethel dying (my grandma's sister)...what's left to go wrong. School! O yes! I receive a very "nice" e-mail from Amelia that said that basically if I don't follow along with her plans and schemes to go around the TU apartment office that she doesn't want me to move back in. Long story short, I didn't want to live with the "guilt" and drama, or her...so I released my contract ($600 frickin' dollars!!!!). And I forfeited the $250 deposit on the space. So, when I asked Amelia for at least half of the $850, you know what she said: I will not be held responsible....I guess sometimes you can't win.

And, my distant cousin Raymond, (with a rumored "affair" between him and Brenda) died. Probably of a suicide. He was actually a REALLY nice guy and I'm sorry to see that. After his mom Ethel passed, I guess he was so depressed that he felt he had to be with her. I sincerely hope that those that are left behind find some comfort that now he's with his mom.

So there you have it...a sick grandma, family fights, Ethel dying, Raymond dying, and a roommate from hell. God certainly knows how to keep it interesting. But everything happens for a reason right?

Actually, this is EXACTLY the reason that I plan on going out of state for my MBA. Do not want to be anywhere CLOSE to a few family members. I want to start over! And anyone who condemns me for that can go pound sand. I've heard it all - you can't escape your problems or your family. Bull hockey, my problems maybe. But I sure as hell can get as far away from my family as a I want. I just need to do a little bit more convincing for Haley, my mom and dad to move with me! :) Shouldn't be too hard though - my mom's wanting to move already.

Ok, so this blog entry has gone on long enough. It's gotten WAY too long. Time to stop. But, I don't want to leave it on a bad note. So, here's one of the poems that I wrote 8 or so years ago! Feel free to go to Poetry.com and look me up :D

The fog settled like a thick sap
oozing out of a tree.
Very slowly it fell
covering and consuming all it touched
in a white blanket of moist droplets,
that tickled and kissed your nose,
And blinded your sight.
How mysterious the shroud so white.
Copyrighted 2008 by Kelsy Morgan Walton