Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pianists, School and Family

Does anyone besides me ever watch OETA? I don't watch it regularly, but when I do I wish that I did more! I just finished watching this special on the New York Inaugural Competition for Pianists. O my goodness those teenagers are amazing!

Their talent and maturity to play such difficult music is amazing. They have such discipline and dedication and sometimes unfortunately lower social skills. But still, they're amazing. My hat goes off to them, seriously! Never in a MILLION years would I EVER be able to play what I just heard - they're as good as the greats of our time.

Makes the think about wanting a passion in my life. Sometimes I just feel so passionless. That's my current problem if you were to ask me. I still don't really know. I may never know!

Well, it's coming down to the wire. (I really hate talking about college and stuff. I know it's boring so just put up with it for a few more minutes :) please. Haha) I took a free practice LSAT on Sunday. Didn't go so well. It was, in my defense, my first time to ever look at the LSAT or any of it's problems. So in order to help me, I think I'm going to take an online Kaplan LSAT prep course.

I was looking around last night at law schools with joint degree programs. And I was totalling the money needed. GOOD GOD! TU - $109,000+ for the next four years. Or OU - $56000+ for the next four to five years. I know that the return will be good and it will pay for itself...but how long will that take. My biggest fear is that I'll get in there, I'll be good and graduate with two more degrees and then I will realize that I want to do something COMPLETELY different and then the degrees will be worthless!

That's why I've been trying to talk to professors on campus and other people to get their take on JD/MA's. Dr Boyd says that with a JD/MA I/O Psych that I will most likely be a corporate lawyer - I won't have billable hours and I won't have to find clients.

That's great and it's something that I originally thought about before enrolling at TU. But, I'm not so sure that I would want to work for a corporation. I don't know...we'll just have to see.

Along with actually taking the LSAT and the GRE there's still so much more to do. Letters of recommendation through LSAC and the Graduate School, personal letters, etc. etc. Gosh I already feel so behind! The next LSAT is December 6th! Fortunately I can take the GRE at any time. there's my current attitudes on school. Enough said. Enough worrying. Enough time spent talking about it!

So my grandma might have another brain tumor growing back. A meningioma. It's what she had last time when I was about two years old. The doctors told my mom back then that if they didn't get it all in the surgery that it could grow back.

Symptoms? Incontinence, increased number and level of headaches, weakness in legs, vomiting. Welp, grandma has every one of them. Especially headaches and vomiting lately. My mom has gotten calls in the last month to go over because she's sick and shaking because she's been vomiting. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I told my mom, "she's old". It was callous, yea I get that. And for the record I don't really feel that way. Sometimes I say things like that for my own comfort to ease the reality of the situation. I don't think my family gets that. Instead I hear, "that's SO compassionate of you Kelsy". Or "we need to send you off to compassion school". Or "where can we buy you some compassion and niceness? Because you really need some!". Kinda wears on me after a while. I just want to tell them, lay off! Haha, but I don't. I did mention it once but then it hurt Haley's feelings, so no more of that.

Anyway, my grandma's having a CT/MRI soon to check. My grandma, p.s., told my mom the last time she went over there that she her brain tumor was back and that she was receiving counseling and nightly shots. All of the things I just mentioned never actually happened. The doctor is not coming in for therapy. She's not receiving shots. And no one confirmed whether she has a tumor. Weird. She even tells my mom, the therapy is really helping her. She can say whatever she wants to say. I know this may sound all spiritual and religious - but maybe she really is talking to "someone". Maybe God really is speaking to her and she can finally get everything out in the open. It's about time!

My mom is finally on depression meds also. But, unfortunately not because she thinks she needs them for depression (which she does) but to lose weight and counteract her high stress levels. Psh. I'm just happy she's finally getting at least some form of help - I know she hasn't been happy for quite some time. Low self-esteem, poor body image, low self-confidence, anxiety, high stress...etc. etc. But hey, we all got problems. I just wish she wouldn't be ashamed to be the wonderful person that I see her as.

We were at Juanitas the other night for dinner. She looked sooooo beautiful sitting there. The lighting was perfect. (No I'm not a pervert, just listen). She had just gotten her hair cut so the color was perfect. Shape perfect. Clothes perfect. So I'm sitting there looking at her for a split second and she says, "what?!? what are you looking at?" (By the way she does this to me all the time). I say "You're very pretty! That's all". She looks down and says, "Well thank you" and skirts it off. Like she doesn't even deserve to be called pretty and she so does! You do not know how many times I've heard her call herself ugly, fat, whale, o if I could only lose some weight. Etc. Etc. I hate it! I love her just like she is!

Well we all know, my whole family needs therapy! No surprise there! But unfortunatley my dad refuses to go listen to some "useless" shrink. My mom says she'll go and never sets up time because she's so "busy". Yea, busy! Working and then helping Haley with her homework takes up literally her entire day. And then when my dad refuses to help clean, cook, do the dishes, etc. it just means more work. And yes, sometimes I refuse to help. So I recognize that I'm part of the problem ok. I'm just sayin...I'm just spewing.

O enough ranting. I'm tired. And now I'm in a pissy mood haha.

Well I'm going to go relax a little. Luckily I don't have work tomorrow so I can do some homework then. Then off to a meeting for lunch for a class and a leadership meeting tomorrow night. Then test Friday, quiz monday, test wednesday and group meeting wednesday. never ends. Sometimes I wish I could just get a regular job and like it. BTW, I didn't get the job at Oneok, Inc. O well.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Food for Thought

I heard someone today say "quarter-life-crisis". Actually seems about right to me. Now that graduation is looming itself at me in May (!) I'm starting ot think about my direction in life.

And what I'm leaning towards now more than ever is JD/MA in I/O Psych or Clinical Psychology. The only thing is though that I may have to stay an extra semester to fulfill my psych requirements - not really that big. However, if I fulfilled that and graduated in December 09...then what am I supposed to do for a whole semester? Travel? HAH! I don't think that I could really get a good psych internship - maybe a law job of some sort? Who knows. That's farther down the road and I'll worry about that when it gets here.

In other news, I really sometimes don't understand why family members can act so rotten. You've already read my previous post probably by now which outlines the many family troubles that I have witnessed or experienced myself.

Well, now my mom is being dealt it again...this time with my favorite aunt Eloda. Sad :( I don't want to end up hating her like the others. Booh. But, she's not stepping up and performing her job as a co-power of attorney. How hard is it to balance a check book and pay some bills online? Really? The reason my mom doesn't want to do it is because - frankly I think that one more thing added to her life would make her either sick as a dog because of stress (well more sick than she already is now), uuber depressed (more than she is now at least) or she'd really have a nervous break down or panic attacks. I think that my mom gets that to some degree which is why she's asked Eloda to help - but unfortunately Eloda doesn't get it. She keeps asking my mom if she wants it because she says she doesn't feel "smart" enough for the job...just suck it up Eloda. Please for my mom's sake and mine!

So I was asked the question today who are you? Has anyone seen that part of , I think it's Anger Management, when Jack Nicholson asks Adam Sandler to tell the support group who he is. So he starts off with his occuption and Jack stops him he says, "now that's not who you really are, try again". So Adam says what religion he affiliates with or something similar and Jack stops him and tells him to start again. Anyway, this happens like three times before Adam finally gets angry and kinda attacks Jack. It's funny.

But, I've always done the same thing tho - not the getting angry part, but the describing myself by labels part.

I always say I'm a student, twenty years old, musician, straight A student (at least right now), follower of Christ, dreamer, achiever, kind, self-conscious, little insecure, etc. etc. My question to the question is can you really escape all of that? Is it possible to define yourself in any other way???

I really still don't know the answer to the question because I think that I am all of those things. And what scares me even more is - what if I truly do not know who I am. What if I've lived my ENTIRE life living up to the expectations of others so much so that I truly have no idea. I took all the AP classes because my dad said to be smart enough so that the school would pay you to go there and to compete with a friend to be valedictorian. I'm in management because my dream of becoming a hair dresser was not the right expectation from my mother. The list goes on...

Is it possible to have multiple "identities". I mean we all act different in changing circumstances right? Well maybe some don't. I guess it would be better to remain the same in all - at least the former suggests to me that you are not a genuine person if you have multiple identities. That's what I've been taught to think over the years at least - may be wrong.

It's something I guess that I've struggled with for quite some time. Hopefully someday I'll figure it out. Anyway, food for thought. Who are you?