Sunday, September 28, 2008

My musings...

Ok, so I've been trying to journal lately...without a true journal. Mine is in storage. So I've been using a sketch pad and I've been writing in it and also making drawings too. Kinda fun actually!

I thought I'd put some of my poems that I've written over the last 10 days on here. Some of them are not pretty...just fyi. And, you may not even think they're good...but I. Don't. Care. They're. Mine.

You, man, walk through the door.
A tiny smile (or is it a smirk?) falls across
your face for a split second.

As you walk by my pulse quickens,
blood from my feet now changes
the color of my face to unmask my

Something so simple as your breathing,
as the ability to feel your heat next to mine,
gives me shivers.

Emotions don't say it all. It can't. Neither can
my words. They fail too.

Only experiencing one fleeting moment with you is the truth teller.

-Untitled 9/17/08

The ink spills, and dries.
Unbeknownst to the writer,
travelling across paper, words form.

Beyond normal comprehension,
beyond reason or time contraints.
Beyond all constraints.

Breath of life weeps liquid tears,
and more ink spill across the page,
across time,
across distance,
across space.

-Untitled. 9/17/08 I actually have NO idea where that one came from...God maybe? Who knows.

Drag this lurch, this gut, this ghoul.
Take this stench beyond my strength.

Rise up and complete me.
Beat me, for if repeat me, I defeat me.

Take away this doubt,
this mess, this second guess.

Transform my light,
refine it, correct it,
protect it and crade this
fragile and dark soul, so plight.

Erupt all expectations,
break down all walls
and let true healing take flight.

Renew my sight.

-Untitled 9/17/08

This pain, this pain.
This pain so deep, so pitiful, so engrained.

This pain that traps and conceals me,
this pain that falsely soothes me.

Is there any escape? Any
magic balm to cover the open
sores, to reduce the swelling and pus
from leaking from my heart any further?

Is it too far gone to treat?
Too heavy laden to emerge on top?
Am I stuck in this trash dump
with filth and grimy toilet seat covers
and nasty chicken tenders?

Please, God, say that hope exists.
Please, God, use that hope.
Please, God, let my hope become joy.

-Untitled 9/17/08

No lines, no rules that I must follow.

Nothing left to keep my hollow.

Just me, my pen and pad of paper
my mind can fully escape and venture.

Draped in fear, lust, disgust and distrust,
my heart pulls itself slowly out of the mog.

The sopping dirty reds and blues,
brilliant hues, muted by grime and caked
dirt - black and brown, mud and slime, thick and ...mine.

I slip, I pull, I gasp, I grieve.
No more pain as my salve.

Aching, barely breathing, barely
drumming by ba-dum ba-dums.

One drop, one sparkle, the rain
showers down.
Colors in my life, once again.

-Untitled 9/27/08

Well, that's it for the poems for now. I'll keep writing 'em though. I actually haven't written a poem in SOOO long. I think it's truly been 8 years! WOW!

I just feel so much...better about my life. It's hard to explain.

Before, I was MORE self-conscious (well I still am a little, hence the "more"). I would worry about even entering a room. Thinking that people were looking at me and instantly judging me...and I guess I thought that they were judging me badly or something. I dont know. I thought, I wonder if they don't like me?

And then there's the whole no-guy-at-this-time thing. Which there still isn't. But, right now...that's ok! Finally I can say, "That's ok!". Because for the first time in my life, I do not need a boyfriend or a man. I'm "complete" all on my own. I actually don't even have a crush.

Once I figured out that I can't figure everything out...that I actually have to trust God. WOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! The breath finally leaves me. The breath that'd I'd been holding since about the 9th grade. Maybe a little before even.

It feels good. I still don't have a guy - so what? Well, Kelsy...what if one NEVER comes along. So what? I've got friends and family! I've got my God...don't really NEED one. Yes, I WANT one...but I'm doing ok. I still don't have my life's plans all figured out either. Going to graduate in May...

Do I get a job? Do I go get my MBA? Do I relocate and move and start over? Do I even go into management? What do I do?

The answer: I don't know. I have no clue! And you know what? That's alright too. God's got it all worked out.

Sure, there are some days I worry. I actually still stress a LOT about my school work. STILL. But, hey. I know I sound cliche. And horribly so.

It used to bother me when people would say, God this and God that and God yadda yadda yadda God blah. But I don't know...I'm not trying to be a spectacle, or a show. I'm not trying to preach to you. I'm not trying to tell you how to act or judge you. I'm just happy right now. For the first time in a long time and...well I get to say whatever I want. So there.

Ok tangent. So in the midst of my journaling...I have created a list of "requirements" of things that a future guy, if any, kinda needs to have in order to have me.

Well, here it is. It's a LONG list so bear with me (if you're even still reading).

Like it says in the bible, our love will not be selfish. I want him to know that I have his best interests at heart. And I hope that he has my best interests at heart as well. I think it's kinda what love is - when you don't think about yourself first, you put someone else first for a change.

I want him to be able to open up to me completely and be a good communicator. Neither or us are mind readers. Good communication is essential! I can't handle someone who won't tell me what's on his mind.

He will respect me and I him. We'll both be loyal to each other and never cheat. Hopefully he'd never stoop that low.

He'll have a sense of humor that makes me laugh. He'll make me laugh like no one else can! But he will also be serious when he needs to be.

He won't be controlling, period.

He (preferrably) won't be sarcastic. I hate sarcasm.

He'll make me want to be a better person. I'll be the best that I can be when I'm with him. He'll love me unconditionally. We'll point each other to stronger relationships with God.

He'll be patient and not conceited.

He'll hold my hand in public and not shy away from my touch, and I his. He'll hold my back when we walk (I've always wanted that). He'll spend quality time with me - but we'll never forget the friends that we have.

He'll (preferrably!) play an instrument or sing or dance. :)

He'll tell me that he loves me!!!! He'll show me daily and I'll show him how much our love means to each other.

He'll help around the house, be philanthropic, and not focused on politics or religion! A MUST!

He'll be well rounded and self-supporting even without me. And I without him.

We'll be fabulously interdependent.

He'll feel sexy in his own skin, but I'll make him feel sexy too. He'll make me feel sexy and feel beautiful just being who I am...even in my underwear with no make-up on and hair a mess and drool out the side of my mouth!

We'll encourage one another and tell each other the truth no matter what.

He'll be a good father, spending time with the kids and really caring for them. He'll help change diapers and he'll get dirty with homework. He'll support them and me and really listen!

He'll be excited to see me. He won't be so caught up in being right, but more concerned with being loving.

And hopefully, he'll share my postmodern views on following Christ and we'll motivate each other.

So, if you fit this bill...give me a call!!! ;) haha j/k....... (seriously).

Ok, well on a lighter note... I watched Sex and the City tonight - very good! And I'm going to go watch Made of Honor. So chao!

Love...all around

So today at Agora we were talking about the 7 last words of Christ.

Did you know that "My God My God Why have you forsaken me?" was part of psalm in the old testament? I had no idea!

I had been struggling for some time after reading the Shack about what I believed about those last moments that Jesus had on the cross. I remember reading in the Shack where Papa says to Mike that he had never left Jesus, that sometimes you just can't see (me) beyond the pain. (I'll have to find the actual quote once I get the book back later) I think I sobbed for a good, well, a good length of time.

Because the whole time growing up I had been taught that God had turned his back on Jesus because He had taken on our sins, the sins of the world. And I remember thinking up until The Shack and today...How could God do that? What?!? To His ONLY son? How could he even...there's no way. What hope do I ever have then? I'm absolutely doomed? God could stop loving me! There's reassurance. Yes he died for me, but...

Then I read The Shack and it says that God loves us WITHOUT expectations. He loves us regardless. Regardless if I sin or not.

I was sitting in Agora about two weeks ago and I was feeling down and what I had read in The Shack hadn't hit me yet...not REALLY. I mean I cried and everything at the time and though O MY GOSH! But it hadn't really, really set in. It was on the back of my mind and I was still chewing on it.

And then all of a sudden in the middle of a verse during the songs, it HIT me. I heard (ok well more like felt...I'm going to try to put this into words), I could never forsake you. I didn't leave my could I ever leave you? What could you possibly do that would make me stop loving you?

O my gosh, total peace. Exuberance. Contentment. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I knew that what I read had to be true!

So I talked it over with my mom, not telling her what I felt of course, posing it as a sort of question. She disagreed. I felt crushed all over again. We had been taught under Assembly of God philosophy that you could become an un-christian. That once you were saved, you could un-save yourself....yea...not sure I believe that.

BUTTTT then today at Agora, we brought it up all over again. And Jeff pointed out that it comes from Psalms. And a missionary said that it was to fulfill the Jewish traditions of a proper burial because they would sing that at a burial. THANK YOU JESUS! And then, Jeff said that the thought that God would turn away from Jesus, some say is impossible. He can't turn away from himself. The very nature of God and who he is denies that! HALLELUJAH! I wasn't completely wrong! I can still believe that he said it...but what he says now has an AMAZING new meaning for me.


Thursday, September 4, 2008

Flickr Picutres!

Just look at the colors of this picture! Absolutely fantastic!

I absolutely LOVE this picture! Beautiful tree! Lovely deer!

This is like painting with watercolors to me. So fantastic!

I love this! Mist...

Hehe, love it also. Shes' a powerhouse! Comfortable in her own self. And reflecting images in her sunglasses!
Crazy colors huh! I know it's photo shopped but so what?

I love rainbows! And sailboats

Can't you just see the light inside her eyes! She's got real spunk and fire! I want her - she's soooo cute!

Mmmmm daffodils! Beautiful colors eh?

Can you believe that there are places on Earth that look like this? Love it! Beautiful colors. Look at the texture of the water and the color of the orange!

See the little leaf! A splash of yellow...almost forgotten but beautiful just the same.

I wish that I could sack out any place that I wanted. Beautiful baby just the same. Love all the different colors here as well. The blue of the stand, the reds and yellows and blues.

Just look at the light shining, beaming through the trees! I want to be there, right there when the sun sets and when the sun rises.

Hope you enjoyed the pictures I found on Flickr. Definitely not pictures that I've taken!!! But aren't they just gorgeous!!! Hats off to the authors of these photos!

Isn't the juxtaposition of the light and dark, and the deep red beautiful. Great fall picture!


When I was in elementary school, I thought going home sick was AWESOME! In the first grade, I would fake being sick ALL the time in the first grade. I actually had the school nurse in the first grade pull me aside after my umpteenth time of going home "sick" and tell me that either there was something seriously wrong with me, or I was faking it. So....well, that stopped me faking it for the rest of the school year...actually the rest of my elementary school career. But, I still thought through the rest of elementary school that I was lucky if I was sick because I didn't have to go to school. That didn't change.

Now, not so much. Now, it's REALLY boring and stressful. I've been sick since Tuesday morning. I've been taking antibiotics for approximately 30 hours and I'm still running a small fever! I know, it's only been 30 hours but, dang it I'm impatient.

I've already basically done all the homework that I need to do. So I don't have to worry much about school work, thank goodness. The only thing left that's worrying me is Diplomacy, a game that we're all playing in my negotiations class. We're supposed to have moves ready for Saturday and my partner and I have not started any negotiations. Not smart - actually it's making me REALLY nervous. I hate being behind on things. I know that we can probably negotiate enough Friday night, but it still bugs me. Especially when we're supposed to be keeping a log of all discussions between classes (and it's going to be graded too).

Well, short blog, but I have a dentist's appointment. Talk to ya'll later!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


I'm sick...ugh. Fever for two days straight.

Yesterday, I went to work even with the low grade fever, cancelled my viola lesson, and then suffered through my class from 6-8. My head was so foggy I could hardly pay attention. Do you know how hard it is to look like you're paying attention when you can't concentrate. Lots of nodding and smiling. Luckily there's no tests in that class and luckily I already did the homework, turns out, a week in advance! Oops.

Today, woke up with a higher fever and sweating in bed. Thought about going to all four of my classes today, but just couldn't do it. So, I went to the doctor instead and got some meds. Hopefully this will be over soon. I really hate being sick.

So, now I'm laying on my couch with two blankets and plenty of fluids. Watching General Hospital (my favorite soap). The show has been in my blood literally before birth. My mom used to watch it while she was pregnant with me and I would dance to the theme song when I was three! See what I mean?

I really hate how they aren't updating the beginning reel. It's the same people and it has been for over a year! And some of those people have been killed off : Emily, Logan, Michael and why is Mac on there in the first place? He hardly has a role? So in the mean time Johnny, Claudia and the Zocchara's aren't even on there. Neither is Rik's dad. Neither is Laura (who's back! yay!).

Anyway, I'm getting off my "soap" box. HAHA. Time to try and get some sleep. Did any of this blog make sense? Still not concentrating....

Monday, September 1, 2008

Welcome to my Blog

Hi, I'm Kelsy and welcome to my blog!

I'm a senior at the University of Tulsa majoring in Business Management (and maybe a minor in psychology, but we'll see). It's funny how people start out by telling you their rank in school isn't it. Just a fleeting thought -- I guess it's because it's what currently consumes most of my life at the moment. O well. Anyway, I plan on pursuing my MBA after I graduate in May....although I haven't decided where. I'm thinking University of Denver, University of Colorado Denver, or UNC Charlotte. I want to live near the mountains (can you tell?).

Really, I have little knowledge myself of why I'm pursuing an MBA other than the fact that I don't want school to end...not yet. I entered into college as a sophomore at 18 and now I'm going to graduate with an undergraduate degree when I'm 20! Still too soon to enter into the business world if you ask me. So, I'm going to go to school one year after this May. And I want to live somewhere beautiful. Is that a crime? Preferably with a large arts community and teaming city life!

I still think about going to law school every now and then. Especially now, since I have a law professor teaching my negotiations class of an evening. He tells the most fantastic stories of cases that he's tried or of mediations he's been involved in. It's fascinating to me. After working at a certain law firm here in Tulsa (won't give you the name), I thought I NEVER wanted to work at a law firm again. The manager was a micro-manager and I could never do anything right. It was a state of continual bitching, and I was on the receiving end. :( So that settled it...I thought. After being pre-med and pre-law I have "settled" for - management.

Let me tell you, not my original choice at all. I never thought that I'd be getting the same degree my mother graduated with from TU over 20 years ago! I didn't want to at all! But I'm starting to like the business school. At first I thought, this is boring, what am I doing here? But, now I see how it really does relate to everyday life! Pretty interesting now.

I still wonder if I should've gone with psychology, or exercise and sports science (for physical therapy), or went ahead and pursued that M.D. I guess I was/still am into serving people. Always has been my nature. Sometimes to my detriment, unfortunately. Just ask me about Josh (AKA Asshole) and what he and his little tramp did to me and another girl in Marketing and that pretty much sums up how I let some people treat me. It's not fair -- to me. I shouldn't do that, but it's a habit. One that I'm trying to overcome! :)

But back to my original point, how did I get here? When I was little I would write poetry...actually just looked at the document and I have well over a dozen poems that I wrote in the 7th to 8th grade. I would sing and write songs! I would sketch things ALL the time! I played the piano (much better than I do now - although it still remains my momentary escape from chaos). I wanted to do something great with my life...well no great is the wrong word. I wanted to do something creative!

You know where I went wrong? High school - I decided to take almost all AP classes my last year. Did it help me in the long run? Sure, I got out of a total of 27 hours at TU (hence my entering as a sophomore). But what did it do to me - it sucked the life out of me. It sucked out the creative juices in some areas and I became a well oiled, test-taking machine. UGH! I don't know, it's something I sometimes regret.

You know where else I went wrong? I started PANICKING about what degree to get in college. It doesn't help that most people get two years to declare a major where I only had ONE! So what did I do - I went online to those personality tests and skills tests websites and I took their tests. Sometimes I even paid (well my mom did). And what did those tests tell me? - That I wasn't creative. That I wasn't suited to become an editor, or a writer, or an author, or a musician, or an architect, or an interior designer, or anything having to do with using your mind (All of those are areas I've been interested in!). Basically confirming what the last two years of high school did to me. So, that finished me off. I doubted that I had any creative juices left. And now --- four years later I'm in business. Now can you see how I sometimes loathe the path that I took.

BUT! I'm not giving up hope. Within an MBA you can specialize - so I figure why not specialize in "Project Management" and oversee great creative projects. Or, why not specialize in human resources and serve people. Anyway, it's stuff that I'm still looking into.

Okay, so ENOUGH about school and the path that I've fallen into. I think that I need to vent. I think that everyone needs to vent every once in a while! Don't you? This is the perfect place, eh? A blog. So let's do it!

This has been one of the best and worst summers of my life! And let me tell you why (you knew that was coming right?).

I'll start with "best". Well, I decided to take a class, an international business law class. HAHA something that doesn't even really exist. "International law" -- there are no REAL international laws. Anyway, the class had a required 10-day trip to England. I jumped at the idea! I've only been to Alaska (another GREAT summer - one of the best...went to San Francisco and Alaska and we were gone over 20 days! LOVE) and to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (Also LOVE). I've never been overseas. Turned out to be one of the best trips and one of the best experiences of my life. Sometime later I'll have to post some pictures. Everything was absolutely. beautiful. Lovely. Old. Everything had a history! Just like people - everyone has a history.

So that was the "Best" - now to the "worst". Well my grandma got sick - she had septic shock, kidney failure and E. Coli. She's still actually in rehab and will be for at least another 2 weeks. So that SUCKED. Well, I knew this was coming - I'm psychic (lol just kidding - I only know what happened the last time someone got sick, my grandpa). My mom's side of the family IMPLODED.

Full scale warfare broke out! My aunt Brenda didn't even bother to show up at the hospital (except once) OR help in any way (even though she's 15 minutes from the hospital. And let's see - she drove +10 hours to Houston TWICE in two weeks to see another sick family member). Argel also was useless (still hanging onto 30 years of negative thoughts - a grudge that he can't let go of). SOOOO that left my mom and Eloda to fend for my grandma. Vicious e-mails were sent between all parties. And, if that's not enough, Brenda resigned her power of attorney leaving it all to my mom (who about had a heart attack, blood pressure spiking...not pretty).

AND, what do you know, leave it to Erin. She sends me degrading text messages and e-mails telling me to grow up, to not put my emotions on facebook, that I'll never be in any relationship, that I'm not a mature adult (although she is? HAH!). Anyway, a bunch of negative stuff. SOOOO I decide that I'm not going to put up with her bullshit any longer. I've put up with it, and I'm serious, since I was about 4 (whenever I actually start to remember stuff). So, I fight back. That only eggs Erin on. Yes, unfortunately I already knew that.

Well, so who's left to get involved in my mom's family. O yes, Glenda. She writes me a LOVELY e-mail telling me that I'm basically being sadistic, unforgiving and etc etc just like my grandma to Erin and that cutting her out of my life is a mistake. What's one more rude e-mail between friends. You seriously think that I'm NOT going to respond??? O I mom had to edit it actually. I had hives I was so angry. Anyway, that's dead and buried. She responded back but basically "Sort of" apologized.

So after my grandma getting sick, my mom's family in WWIII, and my great aunt Ethel dying (my grandma's sister)...what's left to go wrong. School! O yes! I receive a very "nice" e-mail from Amelia that said that basically if I don't follow along with her plans and schemes to go around the TU apartment office that she doesn't want me to move back in. Long story short, I didn't want to live with the "guilt" and drama, or I released my contract ($600 frickin' dollars!!!!). And I forfeited the $250 deposit on the space. So, when I asked Amelia for at least half of the $850, you know what she said: I will not be held responsible....I guess sometimes you can't win.

And, my distant cousin Raymond, (with a rumored "affair" between him and Brenda) died. Probably of a suicide. He was actually a REALLY nice guy and I'm sorry to see that. After his mom Ethel passed, I guess he was so depressed that he felt he had to be with her. I sincerely hope that those that are left behind find some comfort that now he's with his mom.

So there you have it...a sick grandma, family fights, Ethel dying, Raymond dying, and a roommate from hell. God certainly knows how to keep it interesting. But everything happens for a reason right?

Actually, this is EXACTLY the reason that I plan on going out of state for my MBA. Do not want to be anywhere CLOSE to a few family members. I want to start over! And anyone who condemns me for that can go pound sand. I've heard it all - you can't escape your problems or your family. Bull hockey, my problems maybe. But I sure as hell can get as far away from my family as a I want. I just need to do a little bit more convincing for Haley, my mom and dad to move with me! :) Shouldn't be too hard though - my mom's wanting to move already.

Ok, so this blog entry has gone on long enough. It's gotten WAY too long. Time to stop. But, I don't want to leave it on a bad note. So, here's one of the poems that I wrote 8 or so years ago! Feel free to go to and look me up :D

The fog settled like a thick sap
oozing out of a tree.
Very slowly it fell
covering and consuming all it touched
in a white blanket of moist droplets,
that tickled and kissed your nose,
And blinded your sight.
How mysterious the shroud so white.
Copyrighted 2008 by Kelsy Morgan Walton