I don't know why. Maybe it's the snow, or maybe because it's a Thursday and it's my day off...but I am itching to get out of this house and do something. Today, I have watched TV, took an hour long hot bath, read on my nook, wrote in my diary, downloaded songs to my iTunes, ate lunch and dinner, and played around on the computer. I realize that to everyone else, through their eyes this seems like heaven. But, in mine, I need action...I need interaction.

Sitting here watching Stomp the Yard on TBS for the second time today, it just hit me. A jolt of energy. I want to LIVE!!! I want my first kiss -- and NOW thank you very much. I want to feel a man's arms around me, holding me tight even for just one second. I want to look in a man's eyes and see love looking back. I want to make a difference in someone's life including mine. I want good friends and relationships. I want a life outside of this house and outside of school and outside of work. And I want it to start now.

I want to be more like my friend who says what's on her mind, sometimes bluntly, but always honestly. Who has this boundary thing down pat and has this respect about her and self love that just oozes out. She knows who she is, has confidence in herself and respects others as well. That's what I want to emulate. I know that I probably will NEVER be able to say what's on my mind with that amount of confidence. Nor do I really want to do it that bluntly. But, to be able to say what I think, in a reasonable way, would be freeing. So, I've decided and that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm watching the Bachelor on my DVR. I'm a little shocked and disappointed at some of the girls. One thing I have learned from watching these man seasons is that if you want to get sent home faster than anything, to talk about another girl in the house.

Ganging up on another girl, calling her names, and worrying about her does not say anything about you as a person. It says that you are insecure. Why worry about someone else, when you can be focusing on the guy. Also, so early in a dating relationship, I have learned, that it's not who the person is that attracts the girl to the guy. It is how she makes him feel.

These girls keep on saying, if he knew who she really is, what kind of person she really is...etc. That's not the point to him right now. Yes, girls think this way. To us it is logical. But, it's different for a guy.

And to think that you are going to change his mind by "talking" him out of it...is ludicrous. Saying that you are going to have a serious talk with him about this will not do anything. If anything, he is more curious and wonders why these women are talking negatively about her. He wonders, could this be mere jealousy?

I'm not saying that Vienna is perfect. She's far from it. But, so are those others girls too. And to call her out and single her out is hypocritical to me.

I don't know why but it just upsets me. Maybe because I'm a good catch and I don't have a guy and I see women messing it up for themselves on national television by acting like insecure 10th graders. It's sad.

one tiny step back...two large steps forward

Today was my first class in a classroom setting since last May when I graduated. So needless to say...I felt the tiny tinglings of a panic attack and squelched it at the get go. I mean at the beginning!! So...no panic attack! Yay! I'm proud of myself for that.

But, I felt like I was back in the old Kelsy. I was nervous and ADD because I was so self-conscious that my thoughts weren't about what the instructor was saying, but were about me and how I felt and how I looked, etc. Then, the CUTEST guy in the class chooses to sit next to me! Tries to flirt with me and I lose my cool. I reverted right back...the nervous smile and nod. The soft giggles when I don't know how to respond. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??? Why did I go back!! All the time I'm thinking, this isn't me anymore...I don't do this. I'm smart, sexy, confident and improving! But, I guess I went back because it's more comfortable there or something.

The good thing is that this was a learning experience for me. I know now that in novel situations I may have a tendency to turn back into the other Kelsy and I have to give myself a pep talk or do something to prevent this. I'll keep myself, and others I guess, updated. We'll see how tomorrow goes -- I'll be in class from 9-5 :/

For those friends of mine, and myself, who have anxiety issues or panic disorders...this post is for you.

I am reading a book titled Change Your Brain Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel G. Amen. Very interested read so far and I recommend that everyone read it. Dr. Amen is a psychiatrist and performs SPECT scans on patients to see the functioning of their brains. His research and findings along with helpful recommendations are all found in this book.

So, anyway, I thought I would share some quotes with you that struck me. Dealing with anxiety myself, I was first surprised that it has a biological component. It is called the basal ganglia in the brain. When this area is over active it can sometimes lead to ADD, OCD, or anxiety disorders. In this particular chapter, Dr. Amen "prescribes" some relaxation techniques to help people cope.

I'm not going to write them all here, but just a few. The first is a breathing technique. Many times when people experience panic or fear, they begin to have much shallower and quicker breathing which leads to inefficient oxygen and an overproduction of carbon dioxide in the brain. So, Dr. Amen and my therapist simply say to take deep breaths from the belly. My therapist gave me a technique that I like to cal 4+4=8. Take a breath in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and release through pursed lips for eight seconds. I like to do this while listening to music personally. This is magic to me because most people will not even notice that you are doing it. When I release in that 8 count, I can literally feel my body relax. It's great.

To quote Dr. Amen, "shifting the center of breathing lower in your body will help you feel more relaxed and in better control of yourself. Practice this diaphragmatic breathing for five to ten minutes a day to settle down your basal ganglia".

The other techniques mentioned have to do with killing automatic negative thoughts, guiding imagery, self hypnosis, and others.

The main breakthrough for me while reading this is that I can change my brain chemistry. That at some level within me, my "problems" if you will, are caused by my brain. Some of it is mental, some of it is physical. And that physicality lets me know that I can change it if I want to. So, here's to good reading!

I worked out at the YMCA today! Did two circuits on the weight machines while my mom went through her orientation. It felt good to finally work out and do something to improve my health! I'm going to try and go tomorrow and do some cardio!

I went on a date for the first time two nights ago with a really nice guy! It went well -- I met him through a friend. So we'll see if that develops into anything...we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night sometime.

My mom's birthday was today! She turned 51...I feel bad that it was low key but I think she still had a good day. Lunch at Olive Garden, dinner at Applebee's, and some fun in between lol.

Anyway, I will be enjoying my day off tomorrow! Adios