Sunday, March 21, 2010


I have had the weirdest dreams lately. Yes, another dream post.

So, in my dream last night I took my best friend with me to a church that I used to attend. One that I went to for 16 years before I started attending Agora.

It was very much the same in some areas, but much more conservative. My best friend and I were wearing street clothes, definitely stood out among the crowd. It started off with the traditional singing and songs, which I actually enjoyed. It was after the singing where it went downhill.

The pastor started to show a video about how evil bi-sexuals are and how different they are from the rest of the people and that Christians need to tell them what they're doing is wrong in order to save them. Made me SO angry. Then, this youth pastor that used to work there told my best friend that she needed to wear a different shirt next time that she came into the church. I looked at him with the most hateful look I could muster and told him to stop it, that I was basically wearing a similar shirt and that it was acceptable! He responded just as hatefully with a resounding no.

We were still listening to the sermon when my best friend got up and went to one of the elders, one of the most esteemed (whom I dearly adore...for real!), knelt down and said "Why is it that you look so real, so less commercialized". She said, "My dear I shall tell you later" as she smiled.

Then another video came on that warned Christians that if they attack and attack that they will eventually not have their own foundation to return to. It was a cannon ball that was shooting random balls and one of the random balls destroyed a Christian home town. That was the only good thing about the entire dream lol...if you call it good.

So, finally, after being uncomfortable with everything from the moment we stepped in, I told my best friend that we were leaving. In the middle of everything...even if we were sitting in the front two rows. And we did, we got up and watched as everyone stared as we left.

We walked to her new car and drove out immediately, stopped at a dive gas station/bar where women were puking and drunk. Very unsanitary.

And then I woke up. So will someone tell me what that was all about?? Any interpretation will suffice! :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mom had a panic attack today. Haley woke me up and told me that she was puking downstairs and that she needed my help. By the time I got down there she was already finished. White, pale, sweaty and shaky. Yep, panic attack. I hate those - I personally almost had about 5 last September so not fun.

She had an interview today - which probably brought on the anxiety. That and her past manager telling her all of the things that she must remember if she wants to be considered for the job. Yea, no pressure there! So, poor thing...I gave her some breathing techniques that I used that immediately calmed me down so much so that I stopped the panic attacks before they progressed into "full blown" panic attacks.

So, I have a side note. Hopefully my family doesn't read this cause this is going to be -- not a rant per se -- but a comment. Last Sunday my aunt, my mom, my sister and I went to visit my grandma in the nursing home. We were all sitting around talking by the fountain and my aunt says that their brother told her that my mom has "made so much money of the years that she must have a million dollars saved up somewhere. There's no need to worry". My mom says, "I hope to goodness that he was joking". Eloda says "No, he was serious. So, in all seriousness, are you a millionaire? Because I've been telling people, yea my sister's a millionaire" (laughs).

HELL NO. We are not millionaires...not EVEN close. It has been like this since I was far back as I can remember. For some odd reason, I don't know why, but Erin and Argel seem to have it in their minds that my family is really really rich and can afford anything on the planet. Erin has always talked about how much money my family has and how rich we are, very negatively, like we owe them something that we are a bunch of snotty stuck-up people. Yes, ok, compared to people in other parts of the US living on welfare and those that barely make minimum wage, etc etc, yes we are immensely blessed. But, definitely not because we're millionaires. That's ridiculous! I don't understand.

It filters down as a part of the ridicule and judgment that they put on my mom, like she's not really a part of the family, like she's the black sheep, the outcast. She can never be one of them...why? Because she's the only one that went to college? Or because she "received" less beatings from their father (which is so not true). Or because of this....Or because of this....It's never gonna change. They will always have an excuse.

Well, let me just tell you - she paid for every bit of her education herself. She didn't have any help from her parents. So if she is successful, it is because of the hard work that she has done. Not because of anyone else. And, I am one proud daughter of a mother who has worked so hard and has such integrity.

Ok, that's enough commentary on the subject. It's never gonna change and I'm not gonna let it affect me and the decisions I make. They have every right to have the feelings and the beliefs that I do so I'm not gonna try to change them. Besides, no amount of talking or explaining will ever change their minds.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Watching my dog lick his nose...why? Is there snot up in there? It's getting annoying.

Anyway, my mom's two interviews today were productive but did not lead to anything other than the fact that TU will not hire her unless she has a doctorate. She can't even teach as an associate or assistant professor because of the school's budget crunch during these "hard economic times". So, she's actually thinking about getting her doctorate! Might be exciting for her! We'll see! Meanwhile, she's still applying for jobs elsewhere.

I am so weak and tired right now. I worked until 12:30, went and picked up my music from TCC for the Signature's March 27th concert, rode the bike with Buddy and Haley, then rode the bike with just Haley, climbed two stories today of steps....does that seem like a lot? NO?

...I know it's not. I'm beginning to sound pathetic LOL. O well :) I'm going to try and get motivated and do some work for this project that's due a week from today. Wish me luck!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Damn Bird

It started with a bird.

The other night a small nuthatch bird flew into our house when my sister opened the front door. The bird, which nests in the wreath on the front door, instead of flying out into the night air flew right into the house. I heard Haley scream, then laugh. Then scream again. I ran downstairs and saw her covering her head with her hands. She said that there was a bird in the house. It took my dad, my mom and me about ten minutes to coax the bird close enough to the door -- it finally flew out.

My mom said "If my mom were hear she would freeeak out". I asked why? She responded by saying that it is bad luck to have a bird fly in the house.

That was a Thursday evening. By next Monday my mom had been one of the 2500 employees let go from IBM in a "resource action plan".

Saturday, my mom had her yearly mammogram. Today, she received a call from the health group telling her that they would like to perform more tests, possibly an ultrasound, and that the radiologist would be there to read the results before she left.

My mom, stifling tears and swallowing back cries, looked at me and said, "I don't know if I can handle anymore". And I don't blame her...I don't think she can. I pray, pray very hard, that it's nothing. No sense in freaking out now before the results.

With Haley's meltdown today and my mom's immense stress I am emotionally spent! So when you ask me how I am doing -- I will rightly respond with "Hanging in there".

So, be warned. If you ever have a bird fly into your house -- watch out and start praying HARD because things might get messy and get messy quick.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Flyin' High

Today has been an awesome day, and I've only been up for an hour haha!

I got on my OU e-mail account to find that my professor really enjoyed having me in class and would like for me to contact her this summer for a GA position. She also wants to use my paper as a "good example" to show one of her students. That was awesome! :)

Then, I received a phone call from an employee at OU that got my contact information through a professor and asked if I was still interested in being a student research assistant for a new project at OU. Research is something I will definitely need for my future plans.

So, needless to say, I'm thrilled. She's going to give my name to her committee and call me back today or tomorrow with the news of my acceptance into the program.

Now, I have to go write a short paper for class tonight -- will this weigh me down, I think not! Flyin' high!!