Thursday, April 29, 2010

My mom got the job!!!!!!!! YES!!! Thank you JESUS she got it!

Tomorrow if she didn't have the job, she would have had to sign away her career at IBM. But, now that is no more!! What are the odds that she is offered the job one day before it would have made a difference??? And the fact that this had to go all the way up through the hierarchy to the person that reports to the president of IBM, this is no small feat! She did it! So Proud!!!!

All I can say is God does amazing things. My mom is so happy, I'm so happy! Time to celebrate!! Break out the WINE!!!! Bring on the celebration!!! YES!!!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Many of my friends are grieving. One, the loss of a child she will never have. One, the loss of the health of her father. One, the loss of her grandmother/mother this morning. Loss is all around what keeps up going?

My friend told me that her grandmother passed away this morning at 8am without anyone by her side. The last two evenings she had lingered on while all of her daughters and her grandchild were there with her through the night. They had set up candles and were there to be with her when she passed. But yet, she waited until everyone had left.

It makes you wonder how much they can hear and can feel when they are in those seemingly unawakened states. Did she feel that it was best to leave when her family was not with her because she knew the pain that they were feeling? Or that one daughter was begging her not to go? It's possible. She was a strong woman.

It reminds me of my grandfather. On the morning that he passed, my sister and I went to go hold his hands and his pulse dropped significantly. He relaxed. My mom had said that he knew that we were holding his hands and it was comforting to him. He was breathing much more calmly.

After everyone had left but my sister, my mom and I, I took out my viola, put on my mute, and started to play. I played as beautiful as I could, as pretty as I could, as courageously as I could.

As soon as I hit one of the climax's of the piece, the machines started beeping. My mother started crying. They came in and turned off the machines and my mom told me to stop...that she wanted me to leave with Haley. I packed up my instrument and took Haley and as soon as we stepped into the hallway he took his last breath, smiling and peaceful.

It couldn't have been coincidence. Just like it couldn't have been coincidence with my friend's grandmother that she waited until she was alone, I believe the music was beckoning him into heaven. He heard the music, saw the gates open, and thought, I'm home.

It's one of the greatest honors that I still hold on to today. I got to play for my grandpa while he left this world and went onto the next. Please pray for my three friends and my family...we could all use your prayers.

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I am Fat and Other Revelations

My mom and sister just got back from shopping at The Gap. Haley came in to the living room to show my dad and me some their new clothes (a sister thing). Haley pulls out a pair of khakis and says, and this is what mom got, and this, and this. What size were they?.......a size 6. Wow!!

I am really really happy for her that she is finally down to a size 6. She has been struggling with her weight for the last 15.5 years, ever since Haley was born. She had a hysterectomy and has had multiple surgeries on other things like shoulders and knees, neck, and back since then. All reasons to gain weight right? Anyway, I digress.

My mom used to look in the mirror and make fun of herself when she was fatter. She might say things like, I'm a whale. Or you should just harpoon me. She said that she wanted to lose weight to be happier with herself.

So, now the question is, mom are you really happy now? Now that you are 60 pounds lighter, are you happy? Is your body image improved? Do you feel like you're worth something now? I'm betting that it hasn't changed the thoughts about herself...unfortunately. I wish losing the weight would make self-doubt and depression leave that easily.

Because since her weight has been going down, mine has been going up. Verging on 200 lbs. I'm wearing size 18 jeans, the size my mom wore at her heaviest a few years ago. So, how does it make me feel when I remember those times when she thought that a 200 lb person was a whale...not so good. How does it feel when she tells me what to eat and chastises me on the choices I make now, rebellious -- because she's like a hypocrite to me. Here is this woman, that I mother, who has traded places with me. She is now the skinniest in the family...and instead of offering encouraging words of advice, she says that I shouldn't eat that. Do you really want to eat that? Do you know how many points that's worth? Yes, damnit.

Also, I have a ten page research proposal due on Monday night in my research methods class. I don't know if it's because it feels overwhelming, or what...but I have just come to the conclusion that I am ENTIRELY...I don't know the term. Not indecisive (which I am). Ok, I'll explain the word I guess. I try something for a period of time, months to 6 months, and then decide that I'm over it. Is there a term for that? I'll give you some examples.

TCU Pre-Med Fall 2006-December 2006
TU pre-law January 07-July 07
TU business July 07-May 2009 (with many questioning periods of pre-law and pre-med in between)
TU second bachelor's degree May 2009-June 2009
TU pre-med June 2009-July 2009 (depression attacks)
OU Master's of Human Relations LPC August 2009-October 2009
Wanting to pursue a doctorate in cognitive neuroscience December 2009-Present (wonder how long this will last)

That's just education, here are others.

Joined gym December 2009, haven't been back since the first week in February.
Wanting to join Karate or Tae Kwon Do but do not have enough money.
I'm currently reading 3 or 4 books right now...3 of which I'm certain of, but I think there's a 4th.
I went vegetarian on April 1, yesterday and a week ago I ate meat. So, it's probably not long until I'll just give up on the veg thing. And that's only been 17 days.

So, please someone help me out. What is it? Do I have this need for excitement? Do I get bored easily? Am I really that indecisive? Do I think too far ahead into the future? Am I too dreamy of a person and not realistic enough? What is it? I'd sure like to find out...and soon...because it's quickly becoming a habit that I'm starting to abhor.

It worries me because, I guess I feel like...what's the point? What's the point of getting into this college and studying this if in a few months I'm going to hate it and want to move on to something different. If I could, I want to shadow and mentor with EVERY single profession that I could ever think of enjoying...then I would truly know whether or not I like something. But is that possible, hell no.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My own Happiness Project

So proud of Adam Lambert on Idol...proves over and over that he's a true musician at heart, not just another singer with a nice voice. Excited to see him on Idol tomorrow night.

I'm reading The Happiness Project now by Gretchen Rubin. I thought I'd share with...myself...what I have learned thus far (one chapter).

I don't want to get to old age and say "What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner."

50% of happiness is due to genetics, 10-20% due to life circumstances (age, family, etc.), and 30-40% is due to the person's thoughts and actions.

The opposite of happiness is NOT depression (big one for me!)

"The concept of 'accessibility' suggested to me that by constantly reminding myself of certain goals and ideas, I could keep them more active in my mind". This is so true. The more you think about happy things, the more it will just become natural. It's retraining your brain to think of positive thoughts instead of negative ones. And what's the result? Hopefully a more content and happy demeanor and feeling. And, DUH, this is in the bible LOL (Philippians 4:8-10).

Rubin discusses her "secrets of adulthood" which are:
  • People don't notice my mistakes as much as I think
  • It's okay to ask for help
  • Most decisions don't require extensive research
  • Do good, feel good
  • Be nice to everyone
  • Bring a sweater (SO true)
  • Do a little each day to accomplish huge tasks
  • Soap and water remove most stains
  • If you can't find it, clean up
  • Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy
  • What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while
  • You don't have to be good at everything
  • If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough
  • Don't let perfect be the enemy of good
  • What's fun for you may not be fun for everyone and vice versa
In a 2006 study, 84% of Americans ranked themselves as "very happy/pretty happy"
In a survey of 45 countries, people rank themselves a 7 on a 1-10 scale of happiness on average.

Research shows that happy people are more productive, altruistic, likable, healthier, creative, helpful, resilient, friendlier and make better friends, colleagues and citizens

And one that really hit me - "I didn't want to wait for a crisis to remake my life". WOW.

So, hopefully shortly after reading this book (or possibly during), I want to do my own happiness project and I hope you all will keep me accountable :) Peace out.

Monday, April 12, 2010

WEIRD ass dream

I had a dream last night that I was playing the viola in my college orchestra again...only this time I was sitting towards the back and no one would talk with me. I approached someone and asked why and they said that I was very snobbish, condescending and thought that I was a better player than everyone else.

Then I received my mid-semester feedback from the conductor who said that he placed me at the back of the section because I absolutely "sucked" on the first concert of the semester and that I sounded horrible (even though I had played great for the other concerts). I was mortified! I excused myself from rehearsal and went to the restroom. For some reason my stall locked, but it also had a second door that locked, because the first led to the other stalls. I was in a hurry so I blocked all the other stalls and locked myself in. A little girl with a short blond bob came into the bathroom and peered through the crack at me and knocked, then told me to hurry up.

Suddenly I realized that there were two more stalls, occupied by my friends who were lounging and eating lunch (weird I know). Why didn't she knock on their doors? So, when I was finished I opened the door and told her that it is very rude to look at people through the crack between the stalls. She mouthed back at me and I was SOOO angry at her. (Was I being condescending again?)

I attempted to make it back to orchestra, but was lost. Heading through hallway after hallway, going through classrooms filled with people, trekking across campus...I never made it.

So, what was this dream about? Am I condescending? Or is it that I've been told by my mother that I seem snobbish because I'm "shy" when really I'm thinking of what to say if you come up and talk to me. Why would the conductor question my playing? Why did the girl peek between the stalls? Why was I extremely angry at her? Is the little girl me? And why was I I feel "lost" in real life?

I believe that dreams are a representation/the result of our conscious thoughts and awareness that are made into unconscious stories to express things, possibly tell stories, possibly reflect our current states of well-being.

What do you all think? What is the interpretation? I need some guidance please.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Through reading someone's post and through the conversations I've heard today...I think I need to reflect on independence.

Independence means the act of being independent in most dictionaries. So, I chose to look up independent instead.

Independent: (Taken from, keyword search: "Independent")

1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.

2. not subject to another's authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman.

3. not influenced by the thought or action of others: independent research.

4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.

5. not relying on another or others for aid or support.

6. rejecting others' aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.

7. possessing a competency: to be financially independent.

8. sufficient to support a person without his having to work: an independent income.

9. executed or originating outside a given unit, agency, business, etc.; external: an independent inquiry.

10. working for oneself or for a small, privately owned business.

11. expressive of a spirit of independence; self-confident; unconstrained: a free and independent citizen.

12. free from party commitments in voting: the independent voter."

So, my next question is, what does the bible say about dependence and independence?

1 Thessalonians 4:12 states "You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not depend on anybody"

Jeremiah 17:5 states "This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his own strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD"

Romans 12:18 states "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone"

Colossians 2:8 states "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ"

And then if you look at RELY in the bible you see passages like:

2 Chronicles 14:11 states "Then Asa called to the LORD his God and said, "LORD, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O LORD our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O LORD, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you."

2 Corinthians 1:9-11 states "Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

And, of course there are many more scriptures.

So, here's what I've come to understand through this search. It's good to be dependent on God, not so much to be dependent on others. But, I would be careful to not assume that this means that the American westernized view of independence, all independence, is a good thing. Yes, we should not depend on others, but I don't think we should be totally devoid of others either. We should live in community.

I worry about American culture and society. It's so mechanical. So unemotional and cold...most conversations are through texting, e-mails, chats, etc. We don't take the time to listen to people's voices anymore or see people face to face. We're always in a hurry, never sleeping, always working, always busy busy busy.

When, if we just depend on God. If we just stop and relax and know that we're safe, secure, content, and are sufficiently satisfied...I wonder what would happen. Probably a revolution.

My thoughts, Kelsy.