Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pianists, School and Family

Does anyone besides me ever watch OETA? I don't watch it regularly, but when I do I wish that I did more! I just finished watching this special on the New York Inaugural Competition for Pianists. O my goodness those teenagers are amazing!

Their talent and maturity to play such difficult music is amazing. They have such discipline and dedication and sometimes unfortunately lower social skills. But still, they're amazing. My hat goes off to them, seriously! Never in a MILLION years would I EVER be able to play what I just heard - they're as good as the greats of our time.

Makes the think about wanting a passion in my life. Sometimes I just feel so passionless. That's my current problem if you were to ask me. I still don't really know. I may never know!

Well, it's coming down to the wire. (I really hate talking about college and stuff. I know it's boring so just put up with it for a few more minutes :) please. Haha) I took a free practice LSAT on Sunday. Didn't go so well. It was, in my defense, my first time to ever look at the LSAT or any of it's problems. So in order to help me, I think I'm going to take an online Kaplan LSAT prep course.

I was looking around last night at law schools with joint degree programs. And I was totalling the money needed. GOOD GOD! TU - $109,000+ for the next four years. Or OU - $56000+ for the next four to five years. I know that the return will be good and it will pay for itself...but how long will that take. My biggest fear is that I'll get in there, I'll be good and graduate with two more degrees and then I will realize that I want to do something COMPLETELY different and then the degrees will be worthless!

That's why I've been trying to talk to professors on campus and other people to get their take on JD/MA's. Dr Boyd says that with a JD/MA I/O Psych that I will most likely be a corporate lawyer - I won't have billable hours and I won't have to find clients.

That's great and it's something that I originally thought about before enrolling at TU. But, I'm not so sure that I would want to work for a corporation. I don't know...we'll just have to see.

Along with actually taking the LSAT and the GRE there's still so much more to do. Letters of recommendation through LSAC and the Graduate School, personal letters, etc. etc. Gosh I already feel so behind! The next LSAT is December 6th! Fortunately I can take the GRE at any time. there's my current attitudes on school. Enough said. Enough worrying. Enough time spent talking about it!

So my grandma might have another brain tumor growing back. A meningioma. It's what she had last time when I was about two years old. The doctors told my mom back then that if they didn't get it all in the surgery that it could grow back.

Symptoms? Incontinence, increased number and level of headaches, weakness in legs, vomiting. Welp, grandma has every one of them. Especially headaches and vomiting lately. My mom has gotten calls in the last month to go over because she's sick and shaking because she's been vomiting. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I told my mom, "she's old". It was callous, yea I get that. And for the record I don't really feel that way. Sometimes I say things like that for my own comfort to ease the reality of the situation. I don't think my family gets that. Instead I hear, "that's SO compassionate of you Kelsy". Or "we need to send you off to compassion school". Or "where can we buy you some compassion and niceness? Because you really need some!". Kinda wears on me after a while. I just want to tell them, lay off! Haha, but I don't. I did mention it once but then it hurt Haley's feelings, so no more of that.

Anyway, my grandma's having a CT/MRI soon to check. My grandma, p.s., told my mom the last time she went over there that she her brain tumor was back and that she was receiving counseling and nightly shots. All of the things I just mentioned never actually happened. The doctor is not coming in for therapy. She's not receiving shots. And no one confirmed whether she has a tumor. Weird. She even tells my mom, the therapy is really helping her. She can say whatever she wants to say. I know this may sound all spiritual and religious - but maybe she really is talking to "someone". Maybe God really is speaking to her and she can finally get everything out in the open. It's about time!

My mom is finally on depression meds also. But, unfortunately not because she thinks she needs them for depression (which she does) but to lose weight and counteract her high stress levels. Psh. I'm just happy she's finally getting at least some form of help - I know she hasn't been happy for quite some time. Low self-esteem, poor body image, low self-confidence, anxiety, high stress...etc. etc. But hey, we all got problems. I just wish she wouldn't be ashamed to be the wonderful person that I see her as.

We were at Juanitas the other night for dinner. She looked sooooo beautiful sitting there. The lighting was perfect. (No I'm not a pervert, just listen). She had just gotten her hair cut so the color was perfect. Shape perfect. Clothes perfect. So I'm sitting there looking at her for a split second and she says, "what?!? what are you looking at?" (By the way she does this to me all the time). I say "You're very pretty! That's all". She looks down and says, "Well thank you" and skirts it off. Like she doesn't even deserve to be called pretty and she so does! You do not know how many times I've heard her call herself ugly, fat, whale, o if I could only lose some weight. Etc. Etc. I hate it! I love her just like she is!

Well we all know, my whole family needs therapy! No surprise there! But unfortunatley my dad refuses to go listen to some "useless" shrink. My mom says she'll go and never sets up time because she's so "busy". Yea, busy! Working and then helping Haley with her homework takes up literally her entire day. And then when my dad refuses to help clean, cook, do the dishes, etc. it just means more work. And yes, sometimes I refuse to help. So I recognize that I'm part of the problem ok. I'm just sayin...I'm just spewing.

O enough ranting. I'm tired. And now I'm in a pissy mood haha.

Well I'm going to go relax a little. Luckily I don't have work tomorrow so I can do some homework then. Then off to a meeting for lunch for a class and a leadership meeting tomorrow night. Then test Friday, quiz monday, test wednesday and group meeting wednesday. never ends. Sometimes I wish I could just get a regular job and like it. BTW, I didn't get the job at Oneok, Inc. O well.


No comments: