Monday, December 15, 2008


My last final is tomorrow afternoon at 1pm. Good thing it's so late because I didn't really start studying until 8pm tonight. I went shopping with my best friend instead and ate dinner and relaxed. I think I look at this last final not only as a hurdle, because I have to make an 87% to keep an A in the course (and it may be on the verge of possible haha), but only one more step closer to graduating in May and starting a real life! YIKES! So, I guess I'm trying to put off the inevitable...isn't really working out haha.

I was looking at facebook earlier this evening, ok about 10 minutes ago. Some of my friends down there just had their formal for HIS (the sorority that I was apart of and initiated into in Texas during my time at TCU). They all look so beautiful. They all look so happy. Why did I ever leave TCU? I've wanted to stay in touch with them - and I know that they're not too busy to use facebook because they've been writing on each other's walls all the time - but I feel like they make no effort to keep in touch with me. And I have made the effort, I've sent messages, wrote on walls, chatted online on facebook chat. But, somehow it always ends up that they respond back once and that's it. Then they're finished with me and can cast me aside because I live in another state. It hurts. These two girls I thought would be my best friends forever. I thought that they would be bridesmaids in a future wedding (in fact we promised each other). I felt more alive and like myself when I was with them. We had things to do, we had places to be, we could talk to each other until late at night, we could bake cookies together, we could go dancing name it. I guess what I really miss is having something to do with people that I love.

It all just makes me want to branch out and away from Tulsa, because maybe if I'm not living at home and being codependent on my mother and Haley while building up anger against my dad, I could finally make new friends and have my own life. At least that's how I felt while I was in Fort Worth...even if it was just a semester.


luke said...

Without knowing your full situation, I can't say if this is a similar case or not ...

But I went thru the same kind of thing when Matt and Audrey went off to Virginia. We had been best friends for, shit, I guess it was at least 12 years?

When they left, we gradually lost touch with each other, I think. But it was nothing intentional, it's just the way distanced relationships work, it seems. Lots of work to remember to stay close with other I guess.

If you ever want to just hang out, I'm here. Just give me a text or a ring. I'm not really good at making cookies, but I make really good breakfast burritos, and s'mores too.

Kristi said...

Out of sight, out of mind. Sadly, that's true. We tend to get caught up in our own worlds, and lose the need to interact with the past. Getting out of Oklahoma may help your social situation, but I think you are longing for your own life, your own identity. And right now, your identity is tied up in your family--am I right? In Texas, your family was unknown--you were the focal point. I've been there. I've struggled to be my own person. Part of my couldnt' help but hang onto the familiarity of my family, and my family naturally held onto me. I still struggle with that at times.

I feel your pain, and I wish I had a magical formula. But I don't. I just know that I love you and I KNOW life will begin for you soon.

Jeff said...

So how did the final go?

BTW, I love you too. And I'm proud of you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Life will "happen to you" soon enough.

FHL_Always said...

The final went ok, there were a few things that I'm unsure about, but it's over and I'm free! (Until January 12)...Wow I didn't mean to sound that depressed haha. But, I guess I did.

Thanks for all your comments :)