Ok, so I've been trying to journal lately...without a true journal. Mine is in storage. So I've been using a sketch pad and I've been writing in it and also making drawings too. Kinda fun actually!
I thought I'd put some of my poems that I've written over the last 10 days on here. Some of them are not pretty...just fyi. And, you may not even think they're good...but I. Don't. Care. They're. Mine.
You, man, walk through the door.
A tiny smile (or is it a smirk?) falls across
your face for a split second.
As you walk by my pulse quickens,
blood from my feet now changes
the color of my face to unmask my
Something so simple as your breathing,
as the ability to feel your heat next to mine,
gives me shivers.
Emotions don't say it all. It can't. Neither can
my words. They fail too.
Only experiencing one fleeting moment with you is the truth teller.
The ink spills, and dries.
Unbeknownst to the writer,
travelling across paper, words form.
Beyond normal comprehension,
beyond reason or time contraints.
Beyond all constraints.
Breath of life weeps liquid tears,
and more ink spill across the page,
-Untitled. 9/17/08 I actually have NO idea where that one came from...God maybe? Who knows.
Drag this lurch, this gut, this ghoul.
Take this stench beyond my strength.
Rise up and complete me.
Beat me, for if repeat me, I defeat me.
Take away this doubt,
this mess, this second guess.
Transform my light,
refine it, correct it,
protect it and crade this
fragile and dark soul, so plight.
Erupt all expectations,
break down all walls
and let true healing take flight.
Renew my sight.
This pain, this pain.
This pain so deep, so pitiful, so engrained.
This pain that traps and conceals me,
this pain that falsely soothes me.
Is there any escape? Any
magic balm to cover the open
sores, to reduce the swelling and pus
from leaking from my heart any further?
Is it too far gone to treat?
Too heavy laden to emerge on top?
Am I stuck in this trash dump
with filth and grimy toilet seat covers
and nasty chicken tenders?
Please, God, say that hope exists.
Please, God, use that hope.
Please, God, let my hope become joy.
No lines, no rules that I must follow.
Nothing left to keep my hollow.
Just me, my pen and pad of paper
my mind can fully escape and venture.
Draped in fear, lust, disgust and distrust,
my heart pulls itself slowly out of the mog.
The sopping dirty reds and blues,
brilliant hues, muted by grime and caked
dirt - black and brown, mud and slime, thick and ...mine.
I slip, I pull, I gasp, I grieve.
No more pain as my salve.
Aching, barely breathing, barely
drumming by ba-dum ba-dums.
One drop, one sparkle, the rain
Colors in my life, once again.
Well, that's it for the poems for now. I'll keep writing 'em though. I actually haven't written a poem in SOOO long. I think it's truly been 8 years! WOW!
I just feel so much...better about my life. It's hard to explain.
Before, I was MORE self-conscious (well I still am a little, hence the "more"). I would worry about even entering a room. Thinking that people were looking at me and instantly judging me...and I guess I thought that they were judging me badly or something. I dont know. I thought, I wonder if they don't like me?
And then there's the whole no-guy-at-this-time thing. Which there still isn't. But, right now...that's ok! Finally I can say, "That's ok!". Because for the first time in my life, I do not need a boyfriend or a man. I'm "complete" all on my own. I actually don't even have a crush.
Once I figured out that I can't figure everything out...that I actually have to trust God. WOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! The breath finally leaves me. The breath that'd I'd been holding since about the 9th grade. Maybe a little before even.
It feels good. I still don't have a guy - so what? Well, Kelsy...what if one NEVER comes along. So what? I've got friends and family! I've got my God...don't really NEED one. Yes, I WANT one...but I'm doing ok. I still don't have my life's plans all figured out either. Going to graduate in May...
Do I get a job? Do I go get my MBA? Do I relocate and move and start over? Do I even go into management? What do I do?
The answer: I don't know. I have no clue! And you know what? That's alright too. God's got it all worked out.
Sure, there are some days I worry. I actually still stress a LOT about my school work. STILL. But, hey. I know I sound cliche. And horribly so.
It used to bother me when people would say, God this and God that and God yadda yadda yadda God blah. But I don't know...I'm not trying to be a spectacle, or a show. I'm not trying to preach to you. I'm not trying to tell you how to act or judge you. I'm just happy right now. For the first time in a long time and...well I get to say whatever I want. So there.
Ok tangent. So in the midst of my journaling...I have created a list of "requirements" of things that a future guy, if any, kinda needs to have in order to have me.
Well, here it is. It's a LONG list so bear with me (if you're even still reading).
Like it says in the bible, our love will not be selfish. I want him to know that I have his best interests at heart. And I hope that he has my best interests at heart as well. I think it's kinda what love is - when you don't think about yourself first, you put someone else first for a change.
I want him to be able to open up to me completely and be a good communicator. Neither or us are mind readers. Good communication is essential! I can't handle someone who won't tell me what's on his mind.
He will respect me and I him. We'll both be loyal to each other and never cheat. Hopefully he'd never stoop that low.
He'll have a sense of humor that makes me laugh. He'll make me laugh like no one else can! But he will also be serious when he needs to be.
He won't be controlling, period.
He (preferrably) won't be sarcastic. I hate sarcasm.
He'll make me want to be a better person. I'll be the best that I can be when I'm with him. He'll love me unconditionally. We'll point each other to stronger relationships with God.
He'll be patient and not conceited.
He'll hold my hand in public and not shy away from my touch, and I his. He'll hold my back when we walk (I've always wanted that). He'll spend quality time with me - but we'll never forget the friends that we have.
He'll (preferrably!) play an instrument or sing or dance. :)
He'll tell me that he loves me!!!! He'll show me daily and I'll show him how much our love means to each other.
He'll help around the house, be philanthropic, and not focused on politics or religion! A MUST!
He'll be well rounded and self-supporting even without me. And I without him.
We'll be fabulously interdependent.
He'll feel sexy in his own skin, but I'll make him feel sexy too. He'll make me feel sexy and feel beautiful just being who I am...even in my underwear with no make-up on and hair a mess and drool out the side of my mouth!
We'll encourage one another and tell each other the truth no matter what.
He'll be a good father, spending time with the kids and really caring for them. He'll help change diapers and he'll get dirty with homework. He'll support them and me and really listen!
He'll be excited to see me. He won't be so caught up in being right, but more concerned with being loving.
And hopefully, he'll share my postmodern views on following Christ and we'll motivate each other.
So, if you fit this bill...give me a call!!! ;) haha j/k....... (seriously).
Ok, well on a lighter note... I watched Sex and the City tonight - very good! And I'm going to go watch Made of Honor. So chao!