one tiny step back...two large steps forward

Today was my first class in a classroom setting since last May when I graduated. So needless to say...I felt the tiny tinglings of a panic attack and squelched it at the get go. I mean at the beginning!! So...no panic attack! Yay! I'm proud of myself for that.

But, I felt like I was back in the old Kelsy. I was nervous and ADD because I was so self-conscious that my thoughts weren't about what the instructor was saying, but were about me and how I felt and how I looked, etc. Then, the CUTEST guy in the class chooses to sit next to me! Tries to flirt with me and I lose my cool. I reverted right back...the nervous smile and nod. The soft giggles when I don't know how to respond. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??? Why did I go back!! All the time I'm thinking, this isn't me anymore...I don't do this. I'm smart, sexy, confident and improving! But, I guess I went back because it's more comfortable there or something.

The good thing is that this was a learning experience for me. I know now that in novel situations I may have a tendency to turn back into the other Kelsy and I have to give myself a pep talk or do something to prevent this. I'll keep myself, and others I guess, updated. We'll see how tomorrow goes -- I'll be in class from 9-5 :/