Thursday, September 17, 2009

Do you ever think about how you go to where you are today? And then you have sooo many images and memories running through your head that you are overwhelmed. One word can inspire so many different thoughts.

Well when thinking about the depression and anxiety that I'm being treated for, holy moly where do I start? There are just so many factors. I think a lot of it is my reaction to my environment, my family and the culture that I grew up in. Slowly, your brain forms a pattern in the way it receives messages from these things and the pattern forms a habit. It's my job to re-wire those patterns and physically begin to think positive thoughts.

It's also interesting to compare my old self back in elementary school to the woman that I am today. I was so different and yet the same in so many ways. The once optimistic child is now a negative thinker. The once outgoing kid is now shy and restrained. The child that would rather be with adults during Christmas parties is still the same. The child that used to be taken advantage of is still here today.

What I've really come to terms with during my therapy is that...hey I'm normal. It's normal for a person in my position to be scared. It's normal for me to have ups and downs in my life and I'm responsible in the fact that I've reached out for help and I'm proud of that and wish others would do the same. I'm not some crazy messed up freak that I used to think I was...I'm just like you. It's so refreshing.

Since this blog is really for me and I could care less if people read this...I'm going to write down some of the things that my psychotherapist told me that still stand out to me while I'm here at home typing this.

First, I'll start with my first session with her when she said, most people in today's generation change careers every 7 years and change jobs every 2. Wow. That, woosh, took the pressure right off. If I don't like what I'm doing...I'll change it!

Second, your business degree that you used to think poorly of and feel guilty for is really a stepping stone in your journey that has gotten you to where you are today. Everything in life, then, could be a stepping stone.

Third, when we tell a child to put others before yourself, we are really trying to teach the young children that there are other people out there that have feelings just like us. When you get older, that same mantra doesn't really apply any longer. It is a mutual respect, instead. I respect myself and I respect you. Vice versa. It's about being assertive, not aggressive or passive or passive-aggressive.

And there are so many more moments, but I think I'll stop there. Just want to make sure I write them down somewhere so I'll never forget.


Kristi said...

Back in 1989, I was in high school and read that people of my generation would change careers at least 2 or 3 times before they retire. I've had more careers than that already. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves.

Jeff said...

I have found that the more personal our feelings are, the more universal they are. In other words, what you feel in the deepest part of you and wonder if you are the only one who feels that way you share in common with almost everyone else.

I'm proud of you and the steps you are taking. All of us feel conflicted and/or confused almost all of the time. Not just daily, but almost every moment is filled with decisions about our future and our priorities.

One day you will look back and see that every step you took, every decision you have made, and every experience you have had has brought you to where you are. That is a wonderful feeling.