Thursday, March 5, 2009


So yesterday I made the first "C" on a test since I think the 6th grade. I don't know if it was me - off day, didn't study as hard as I usually do (although I had 191 items on 43 notecards so maybe not as likely), if it was the poorly written test itself, or what. But, anyway, my mom said she thought that it was good for me HAHA. Because, it finally showed me that I will not be able to perform at 125% as I have been for most of my life, that sometimes I'll have to settle for less. She said that's probably why I've been so stressed out lately. Why my hair has been coming out in mini-clumps haha.

I just have to say that I was not the only A student that made a C or lower either. My friend Emily and Lizzie who usually make high A's if not 100s with me, made a 67% and a 71% so was it all of us? Or the test? She had to curve it ten points... Like the "rant" that I almost left on here yesterday, it's time to just say "fuck it" and move on.

Up to this point, it has been an easy 4.0 give or take some classes. Most of the tests I have taken I haven't really felt that I struggled with. Now, all of a sudden the last half of my LAST semester it seems like everything has rocketed up! Now, I'm going to definitely have to earn my 4 point. That's for sure - I've been busy, busy, busy with homework, tests, paper after paper, group assignment after group assignment, club meeting after club meeting, required volunteering after required volunteering. I'm sure it's gonna be this way after college too so I guess I better get used to it! I don't really even have time to watch TV that much anymore even! Sad day :(

I also ordered the dress for my friend's wedding in May! I'm her bridesmaid. Yay! It's going to be pretty! Can't wait until it comes in on April 13th.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life - it's an un-ending and looming question. This may just have to be another "fuck it" moment -- I may just have to choose once and for all and stick to it. I have made at least some progress though in other areas. I called last Friday to set up an appointment, finally after months of getting enough urge, to talk to a psychologist (well actually a master's clinician even though I asked for a psychologist grrr...).

I haven't been really happy for a long time - probably all starting back in the sixth grade about 10 years ago, honestly. I think for some reason the school change did me in. New sucky friends. I had once been confident and had high self-esteem while at the other school. And for some reason when I changed schools (not even outside of the district) it changed. Tenth grade was a bad year and I think that solidified my social isolation from others and I had a bad breakup with a best friend. Started to take all AP classes. Then this past November was also another downer because of the stress of graduation coming up, trying to study for the LSAT and failing and not knowing what I want to do.

Anyway, safe to say that when I look back I see all the negative haha. That's just how I'm hardwired I guess. Sure, yes, I've had plenty of happy moments like my 20th birthday party, travelling to Alaska and England and Vancouver. But most of the time, I'm not. It's just my personality and it's who I've been for a while. Obviously I don't like it -- at all. I want to be happy! So that's why I finally called Laureate :-) Hopefully they'll be able to give me coping tools and maybe in time I'll be more content with myself!

But that's enough Debbie Downer for one day. Time to move on -- and go eat!


Kristi said...

The best definition I've heard of depression is "anger turned inward". I believe that. It takes a lot of guts to make the phone call you made. Kudos to you for that!

Getting a C is disappointing for you, but I'm with your mom. No matter how much effort you give, no matter how smart you are, life doesn't always reward you for your efforts. The best things I learned in college were outside of the classroom. They were the social lessons of being in such a culturally diverse place. And none of it prepared me for the reality of politics in the workplace.

Hang in there!

Naida Lee said...

we're like the three depressed stooges or something. HA. that's wierd... i'm glad i have friends that understand all of it though. i hope your therapy helps!