My dad prays for me. I never knew that. He's usually very vocal about religion and politics, but it's always generalized or criticizing someone else's point of view. He rarely speaks about what he believes.

Then last night after we had bought my mom's Christmas present together and I was telling him about what I plan on doing this week for fun, my dad says that he prayed for me.

Wow. That little sentence means so much to me. Now, I'm off to a good day!

Just another little update on life...

So, Lexapro makes me have REALLY vivid dreams. Dreams so real that I wake up thinking that the things I dreamt about actually happened. It's really weird.

For example, the other day I was dreaming that I missed my haircut. The appointment was for 12:15pm and I saw myself on the couch pressing the snooze button too many times that I slept until 1pm. I looked at my clock, thinking I was awake, and seeing the time as 1pm and I even went to my mom and asked her what time it was. She said 1pm.

When I awoke at 9:45am (!) I was so sure that it was 1pm already. I ran into my mom's office and asked her if I had missed my haircut at 12:15 and she said, it's only 9:45! HAHA.

Well, lately I have been dreaming that my car gets stolen. It's shear panic. I run around the parking lots of wherever I am in my dream - school, college, Bartlesville Activity Center. And it's gone...completely missing. Each time I freak out and call my mom to come and pick me up. Then I wake up and realize that it's still there.

Haley, who's also on Lexapro, has vivid dreams also. We both talk in our sleep now, moan and cry. I woke up screaming for the first time in my life a few months ago. Freaked my mom out!

Anyway, moving on. Work has been going well. I am helping my boss come up with marketing ideas and plans. My dad has started working at his new job, which he absolutely hates. Everyday he comes home saying that the day went "terrible". I'm happy that he has a job though instead of just letting him go. He may start looking though so he's not so unhappy everyday. I don't blame him.

My grandma's house sold. She's now off Medicaid for now. I'm just so happy for my mom that that's over with.

So that's all I really have to say for now. I hope everyone has had a great Thanksgiving and I hope Christmas will be just as merry!

November 22

Haven't been on here in a while. So I thought I'd update my blog.

The surgery went well. There were no complications and I'm still recovering nicely. My appendix was fine. Instead, I had abdominal adhesions that were suspending my colon and causing me problems. But, the appendix will never be a problem for me haha :)

School is going well. One paper, three observations and an interview down...one more paper and group project to go along with readings and such. It has been very interesting so far. I'm going to try and take twelve hours next semester while working part time and see if I can manage. I think I can...we'll see. Have to make up for the class that I had to drop this semester!

I took my mom to Maribeth with me. It was very emotional for her. She has been depressed for a long time and I feel her pain. It saddens me that she doesn't know who she is, what she likes, what she dislikes, what she can do for fun. She feels lost and like she is merely existing. I hope, hope, hope, that she will choose to get some help instead of going through the rest of her life completely miserable. Something that struck me while we were there was that Maribeth said, Kelsy your mom can choose to be as miserable as she wants. It is her choice, not yours. It is her right to be that way and you cannot fix it for her. That's so true -- it is a choice and I can't help. Sobering thoughts for me.

Anyway, I have been spending a lot of time with my friend Bailey and her sons. The newest, three weeks old, is my new Godson. He is so precious. Haley just adores him. And the oldest, 21 months, is such a good big brother already. He's always been such a cutey!

Other than that, I have been working at the flower shop and taking naps lol! I get so tired when I come home. I don't have enough stamina sometimes to stay awake and I'm just spent. Gotta get to the gym and start working out and switch to a healthier diet. I'm playing in the Handel's Messiah in Bartlesville on December 6th so those of you who are available to make the drive and like classical music should come and listen! It's gonna be good!

See you all later. Much love.

Appendix is coming out on Thursday. Finally.

But, I have to drop out of one of my classes. That stinks. But, I'll keep insurance because it's a medical reason. I just hope I don't have to drop out of the other two classes.

Life is ironic.

I have finally enrolled for classes at OU-Tulsa. Nine hours this fall which means I get to keep my current insurance, yay!! I'm so excited for the classes.

Then...I had my colonoscopy today. I craved food all day yesterday when I was fasting. Every type of food went through my mind. From rice cakes to goulash to sweet potatoes to pringles. Ah, everything.

The colonoscopy went well. They didn't find anything abnormal. They took some biopsies and I'll hear back soon. If the biopsies come back normal the next step is an appendectomy with a search into the surrounding abdomen to see if everything is ok.

This is the ironic part to me. I finally get enrolled for classes after a year of deciding, after seeking help from a life coach/therapist, after applying and waiting on the school's decision...now I am facing a possible and probable appendectomy which may end up making me miss the first weekend of a three weekend class which isn't acceptable. It's frustrating me...but I'm trying to remain positive.

Anyway, project runway's on. Hasta la vista.

Do you ever think about how you go to where you are today? And then you have sooo many images and memories running through your head that you are overwhelmed. One word can inspire so many different thoughts.

Well when thinking about the depression and anxiety that I'm being treated for, holy moly where do I start? There are just so many factors. I think a lot of it is my reaction to my environment, my family and the culture that I grew up in. Slowly, your brain forms a pattern in the way it receives messages from these things and the pattern forms a habit. It's my job to re-wire those patterns and physically begin to think positive thoughts.

It's also interesting to compare my old self back in elementary school to the woman that I am today. I was so different and yet the same in so many ways. The once optimistic child is now a negative thinker. The once outgoing kid is now shy and restrained. The child that would rather be with adults during Christmas parties is still the same. The child that used to be taken advantage of is still here today.

What I've really come to terms with during my therapy is that...hey I'm normal. It's normal for a person in my position to be scared. It's normal for me to have ups and downs in my life and I'm responsible in the fact that I've reached out for help and I'm proud of that and wish others would do the same. I'm not some crazy messed up freak that I used to think I was...I'm just like you. It's so refreshing.

Since this blog is really for me and I could care less if people read this...I'm going to write down some of the things that my psychotherapist told me that still stand out to me while I'm here at home typing this.

First, I'll start with my first session with her when she said, most people in today's generation change careers every 7 years and change jobs every 2. Wow. That, woosh, took the pressure right off. If I don't like what I'm doing...I'll change it!

Second, your business degree that you used to think poorly of and feel guilty for is really a stepping stone in your journey that has gotten you to where you are today. Everything in life, then, could be a stepping stone.

Third, when we tell a child to put others before yourself, we are really trying to teach the young children that there are other people out there that have feelings just like us. When you get older, that same mantra doesn't really apply any longer. It is a mutual respect, instead. I respect myself and I respect you. Vice versa. It's about being assertive, not aggressive or passive or passive-aggressive.

And there are so many more moments, but I think I'll stop there. Just want to make sure I write them down somewhere so I'll never forget.

So, today is my 23rd day of running a low grade fever. Fortunately most of the lower abdominal pain is gone now...but the fever remains. I am taking the same medicine that I used two weeks ago again and I hope it works this time otherwise a colonoscopy or something else might be in my future :/

So for my next counseling session on Thursday, I had to answer a few pages of questions asking me who I thought that I was. Who am I? It was an interesting introspective evening for me. I answered some questions that I didn't think I knew the answers to and surprised myself.

Here are a couple of my responses just for grins ---

1. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? When I see someone accomplish their dreams and do something absolutely beautiful I am inspired. Watching dance shows, for example, inspires me to do something creative. Listening to classical music inspires me to play my viola and contribute. I feel enlightened and motivated. When I see someone overcome something tremendous and succeed this also motivates me. Poetry does as well.

2. What are you interested in? What are you passionate about? What are you not interested in? What bores you? I am interested in the arts - dance, paintings, writing, music; helping the homeless, the environment, children less fortunate than me, breaking barriers and stereotypes, relationships, poetry, learning and self-improvement daily, accomplishments. I am bored when I have nothing to do and am alone at home watching the T.V.

3. How ambitious are you? What are your life ambitions? I would say that I am very ambitious. My life ambitions are to be an L.P.C. by 25 with a private practice by 30-35. I hope to adopt by 34. I want to learn ballroom dancing and compete, publish my own poetry, travel to Greece and Italy and learn a new language.

4. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? That I had a passion for life, that I lived my dreams and had fun and romance, great friends and family that supported me. I was a moral person who served my community and that I had impacted people's lives. That I was a kind and generous person to everyone I met.

When my mom read my responses, many of which were about family, she said that she was was not surprised by anything that I said about myself but felt that she knew her family better.

I'm still waiting on an acceptance/denial letter from OU-Tulsa for this semester. They are taking their sweet time. There's only 6 hours at OU-Tulsa that I can take this semester so I'm going to hope to find some classes at NSU or ORU. Hopefully they are still enrolling. Crossin my fingers!!

Work is going well. For the first 6 days or so of work, I didn't know if my body could take much more. There's so much lifting of heavy objects, standing on your feet, cutting a lot of new flowers, just a lot of labor. It's different than I thought it would be. I would leave with my hair curled because of the tremendous amount of sweat pouring from my face and with my entire body shaking. BUT, now I'm used to it. I'm sweating less, no more shaking, and I've lost about 2.5% BMI already! It's like exercising 6 hours a day! Hah! Also, yesterday, I got to do many more arrangements which is always fun. It allows me to express my creativity! And flowers are always pretty and welcoming. I actually dreamed about flowers last night! Flowers flowers everywhere.

Anyway, that's my life right now. Just a little update.