Do you ever think about how you go to where you are today? And then you have sooo many images and memories running through your head that you are overwhelmed. One word can inspire so many different thoughts.
Well when thinking about the depression and anxiety that I'm being treated for, holy moly where do I start? There are just so many factors. I think a lot of it is my reaction to my environment, my family and the culture that I grew up in. Slowly, your brain forms a pattern in the way it receives messages from these things and the pattern forms a habit. It's my job to re-wire those patterns and physically begin to think positive thoughts.
It's also interesting to compare my old self back in elementary school to the woman that I am today. I was so different and yet the same in so many ways. The once optimistic child is now a negative thinker. The once outgoing kid is now shy and restrained. The child that would rather be with adults during Christmas parties is still the same. The child that used to be taken advantage of is still here today.
What I've really come to terms with during my therapy is that...hey I'm normal. It's normal for a person in my position to be scared. It's normal for me to have ups and downs in my life and I'm responsible in the fact that I've reached out for help and I'm proud of that and wish others would do the same. I'm not some crazy messed up freak that I used to think I was...I'm just like you. It's so refreshing.
Since this blog is really for me and I could care less if people read this...I'm going to write down some of the things that my psychotherapist told me that still stand out to me while I'm here at home typing this.
First, I'll start with my first session with her when she said, most people in today's generation change careers every 7 years and change jobs every 2. Wow. That, woosh, took the pressure right off. If I don't like what I'm doing...I'll change it!
Second, your business degree that you used to think poorly of and feel guilty for is really a stepping stone in your journey that has gotten you to where you are today. Everything in life, then, could be a stepping stone.
Third, when we tell a child to put others before yourself, we are really trying to teach the young children that there are other people out there that have feelings just like us. When you get older, that same mantra doesn't really apply any longer. It is a mutual respect, instead. I respect myself and I respect you. Vice versa. It's about being assertive, not aggressive or passive or passive-aggressive.
And there are so many more moments, but I think I'll stop there. Just want to make sure I write them down somewhere so I'll never forget.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
So, today is my 23rd day of running a low grade fever. Fortunately most of the lower abdominal pain is gone now...but the fever remains. I am taking the same medicine that I used two weeks ago again and I hope it works this time otherwise a colonoscopy or something else might be in my future :/
So for my next counseling session on Thursday, I had to answer a few pages of questions asking me who I thought that I was. Who am I? It was an interesting introspective evening for me. I answered some questions that I didn't think I knew the answers to and surprised myself.
Here are a couple of my responses just for grins ---
1. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? When I see someone accomplish their dreams and do something absolutely beautiful I am inspired. Watching dance shows, for example, inspires me to do something creative. Listening to classical music inspires me to play my viola and contribute. I feel enlightened and motivated. When I see someone overcome something tremendous and succeed this also motivates me. Poetry does as well.
2. What are you interested in? What are you passionate about? What are you not interested in? What bores you? I am interested in the arts - dance, paintings, writing, music; helping the homeless, the environment, children less fortunate than me, breaking barriers and stereotypes, relationships, poetry, learning and self-improvement daily, accomplishments. I am bored when I have nothing to do and am alone at home watching the T.V.
3. How ambitious are you? What are your life ambitions? I would say that I am very ambitious. My life ambitions are to be an L.P.C. by 25 with a private practice by 30-35. I hope to adopt by 34. I want to learn ballroom dancing and compete, publish my own poetry, travel to Greece and Italy and learn a new language.
4. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? That I had a passion for life, that I lived my dreams and had fun and romance, great friends and family that supported me. I was a moral person who served my community and that I had impacted people's lives. That I was a kind and generous person to everyone I met.
When my mom read my responses, many of which were about family, she said that she was was not surprised by anything that I said about myself but felt that she knew her family better.
I'm still waiting on an acceptance/denial letter from OU-Tulsa for this semester. They are taking their sweet time. There's only 6 hours at OU-Tulsa that I can take this semester so I'm going to hope to find some classes at NSU or ORU. Hopefully they are still enrolling. Crossin my fingers!!
Work is going well. For the first 6 days or so of work, I didn't know if my body could take much more. There's so much lifting of heavy objects, standing on your feet, cutting a lot of new flowers, just a lot of labor. It's different than I thought it would be. I would leave with my hair curled because of the tremendous amount of sweat pouring from my face and with my entire body shaking. BUT, now I'm used to it. I'm sweating less, no more shaking, and I've lost about 2.5% BMI already! It's like exercising 6 hours a day! Hah! Also, yesterday, I got to do many more arrangements which is always fun. It allows me to express my creativity! And flowers are always pretty and welcoming. I actually dreamed about flowers last night! Flowers flowers everywhere.
Anyway, that's my life right now. Just a little update.
So for my next counseling session on Thursday, I had to answer a few pages of questions asking me who I thought that I was. Who am I? It was an interesting introspective evening for me. I answered some questions that I didn't think I knew the answers to and surprised myself.
Here are a couple of my responses just for grins ---
1. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? When I see someone accomplish their dreams and do something absolutely beautiful I am inspired. Watching dance shows, for example, inspires me to do something creative. Listening to classical music inspires me to play my viola and contribute. I feel enlightened and motivated. When I see someone overcome something tremendous and succeed this also motivates me. Poetry does as well.
2. What are you interested in? What are you passionate about? What are you not interested in? What bores you? I am interested in the arts - dance, paintings, writing, music; helping the homeless, the environment, children less fortunate than me, breaking barriers and stereotypes, relationships, poetry, learning and self-improvement daily, accomplishments. I am bored when I have nothing to do and am alone at home watching the T.V.
3. How ambitious are you? What are your life ambitions? I would say that I am very ambitious. My life ambitions are to be an L.P.C. by 25 with a private practice by 30-35. I hope to adopt by 34. I want to learn ballroom dancing and compete, publish my own poetry, travel to Greece and Italy and learn a new language.
4. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? That I had a passion for life, that I lived my dreams and had fun and romance, great friends and family that supported me. I was a moral person who served my community and that I had impacted people's lives. That I was a kind and generous person to everyone I met.
When my mom read my responses, many of which were about family, she said that she was was not surprised by anything that I said about myself but felt that she knew her family better.
I'm still waiting on an acceptance/denial letter from OU-Tulsa for this semester. They are taking their sweet time. There's only 6 hours at OU-Tulsa that I can take this semester so I'm going to hope to find some classes at NSU or ORU. Hopefully they are still enrolling. Crossin my fingers!!
Work is going well. For the first 6 days or so of work, I didn't know if my body could take much more. There's so much lifting of heavy objects, standing on your feet, cutting a lot of new flowers, just a lot of labor. It's different than I thought it would be. I would leave with my hair curled because of the tremendous amount of sweat pouring from my face and with my entire body shaking. BUT, now I'm used to it. I'm sweating less, no more shaking, and I've lost about 2.5% BMI already! It's like exercising 6 hours a day! Hah! Also, yesterday, I got to do many more arrangements which is always fun. It allows me to express my creativity! And flowers are always pretty and welcoming. I actually dreamed about flowers last night! Flowers flowers everywhere.
Anyway, that's my life right now. Just a little update.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Well, my body just doesn't like me. But, I am very thankful for the body I have!
I've run a low grade fever for the last eight days with achy pains on my lower right abdomen everyday. Was officially a UTI...took the medicine (still taking it) and still have all the same symptoms.
And after two days of tests, hours spent at the hospital and springer clinic...what have they found out?
Appendicitis? No. Kidney stones? No. White blood cell count is on an upward trend (I look like a pincushion...blood drawn for three days two days in a row now with multiple sticks) and my sedimentation level is elevated (meaning I have something inflamed somewhere in my body and my body is fighting some infection I guess). Cancer? No. Cyst on the ovary? No.
Why is it that I always have something medical related that is mysterious? Just a question. I'm not being cynical, just serious. After a year of tests and hours spent doing them, the stress of that all, they still don't know why my potassium drops suddenly and I almost pass out. And now I get to add this to the list.
I've discovered that sometimes there just isn't an answer. But, o would I like one.
-K
I've run a low grade fever for the last eight days with achy pains on my lower right abdomen everyday. Was officially a UTI...took the medicine (still taking it) and still have all the same symptoms.
And after two days of tests, hours spent at the hospital and springer clinic...what have they found out?
Appendicitis? No. Kidney stones? No. White blood cell count is on an upward trend (I look like a pincushion...blood drawn for three days two days in a row now with multiple sticks) and my sedimentation level is elevated (meaning I have something inflamed somewhere in my body and my body is fighting some infection I guess). Cancer? No. Cyst on the ovary? No.
Why is it that I always have something medical related that is mysterious? Just a question. I'm not being cynical, just serious. After a year of tests and hours spent doing them, the stress of that all, they still don't know why my potassium drops suddenly and I almost pass out. And now I get to add this to the list.
I've discovered that sometimes there just isn't an answer. But, o would I like one.
-K
Saturday, August 15, 2009
This isn't about political affiliations - conservative vs. liberal.
I for one am just appalled by our president.
I may not be the smartest person in the world...but when the presidential candidate promises that a person's taxes will not increase by one single DIME during his campain and then changes his mind after he is elected portrays and is nothing BUT a liar.
I also think that when a president has a website that requests that people TURN IN their neighbors and friends and naysayers of the new health care reform that he is implying that there is only ONE correct point of view and that it is his. That is ridiculous. *Correction* There was a website extension on a government website that requested that anyone report any misinformation that was being used or said so that the administration could seek to correct this information. That website, I believe, is no longer available. *Correction*
When the president HOUNDS the congress and says that this bill WILL be passed with sensibility, he is overstepping his power as the EXECUTIVE branch. What happened to checks and balances?
And when the president "denounces" the emphasis of the media on the rambunctious town hall meetings and the uproar that has ensued, he is "denouncing" our right of freedom of the press as a citizen of the United States.
When did my country start becoming a socialist nation?
I for one am just appalled by our president.
I may not be the smartest person in the world...but when the presidential candidate promises that a person's taxes will not increase by one single DIME during his campain and then changes his mind after he is elected portrays and is nothing BUT a liar.
I also think that when a president has a website that requests that people TURN IN their neighbors and friends and naysayers of the new health care reform that he is implying that there is only ONE correct point of view and that it is his. That is ridiculous. *Correction* There was a website extension on a government website that requested that anyone report any misinformation that was being used or said so that the administration could seek to correct this information. That website, I believe, is no longer available. *Correction*
When the president HOUNDS the congress and says that this bill WILL be passed with sensibility, he is overstepping his power as the EXECUTIVE branch. What happened to checks and balances?
And when the president "denounces" the emphasis of the media on the rambunctious town hall meetings and the uproar that has ensued, he is "denouncing" our right of freedom of the press as a citizen of the United States.
When did my country start becoming a socialist nation?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Quarter Life Crisis
Yes, the above title is true. According to my life coach, yes life coach, I am going through a quarter life crisis.
I am going to a life coach in Tulsa who is going to help me discover what it is that I'm passionate about, what I hate, what I love, what I'm good at, what I suck at, etc. It's going to be exciting! I am going to a 2-day aptitude testing in Dallas, TX soon (hopefully before my school starts in 2 weeks). My mom is going to accompany me, most likely. Should give me lots of information and detail!
I have changed my mind again for the billionth time! I am now a psychology major...I'm going back for a second degree and I'll graduate in May 2010. I'm only about 24 hours away from another degree in psychology so while I'm going to this life coach I figured that I should do something productive. Fortunately, I changed my classes from pre-med prerequisite classes before I took them and hated them. Unfortunately, I am stuck with a few lab manuals that I cannot return.
Did you know that 80% of your feeling cells are in your stomach?? Only 20% are in your head. Wow! I never knew that! But, now it definitely explains why I have so many stomach issues!
My life coach is also a psychotherapist and I can definitely say that I'm ready to be happy! I'm usually too embarassed to talk about this stuff, but I really hope that the therapy will help and I believe it will. And, that's all I'm going to say about that!
I'm enjoying the thunderstormy weather. When I was driving to Drug Warehouse earlier it was VERY windy...things were flying across the street! The outside temperature fell about 6 degrees in 10 minutes! Very weird.
O, on a side note, I think my car may be haunted for some reason. Either that or people keep getting in my car after I've locked it. I had my rearview mirror set so that I could see the street behind me. My sister an
d I parked at Drug Warehouse last week, I locked the car. We came back and the rearview mirror was on nightvision and was pointed down at Haley's seat so I could look into her eye's while she's sitting next to me. Neither Haley or I moved the mirror when we got in and out. It happened again today at TU. It wasn't on nightvision this time (which is manual btw), but it was pointed down slightly at Haley's seat. If I was hitting it with my purse it would knock it down towards my seat. SO...I don't really know what to make of this phenomenon but I definitely can't explain it. Haley was pretty freaked out poor thing! HAHA.
Ok, now that I've spooked myself all over again, I'm going to try and get some sound sleep! Tomorrow I meet with another advisor at TU to look over my new set of psychology classes, make sure I can get this second degree...and then I can finally buy the books! Then I'll be set...I have my parking permit, my new ID, I turned in my financial aid app. Almost set for school in two weeks! I'm kinda excited.
Well, Good Night and Signing Off.
I am going to a life coach in Tulsa who is going to help me discover what it is that I'm passionate about, what I hate, what I love, what I'm good at, what I suck at, etc. It's going to be exciting! I am going to a 2-day aptitude testing in Dallas, TX soon (hopefully before my school starts in 2 weeks). My mom is going to accompany me, most likely. Should give me lots of information and detail!
I have changed my mind again for the billionth time! I am now a psychology major...I'm going back for a second degree and I'll graduate in May 2010. I'm only about 24 hours away from another degree in psychology so while I'm going to this life coach I figured that I should do something productive. Fortunately, I changed my classes from pre-med prerequisite classes before I took them and hated them. Unfortunately, I am stuck with a few lab manuals that I cannot return.
Did you know that 80% of your feeling cells are in your stomach?? Only 20% are in your head. Wow! I never knew that! But, now it definitely explains why I have so many stomach issues!
My life coach is also a psychotherapist and I can definitely say that I'm ready to be happy! I'm usually too embarassed to talk about this stuff, but I really hope that the therapy will help and I believe it will. And, that's all I'm going to say about that!
I'm enjoying the thunderstormy weather. When I was driving to Drug Warehouse earlier it was VERY windy...things were flying across the street! The outside temperature fell about 6 degrees in 10 minutes! Very weird.
O, on a side note, I think my car may be haunted for some reason. Either that or people keep getting in my car after I've locked it. I had my rearview mirror set so that I could see the street behind me. My sister an
d I parked at Drug Warehouse last week, I locked the car. We came back and the rearview mirror was on nightvision and was pointed down at Haley's seat so I could look into her eye's while she's sitting next to me. Neither Haley or I moved the mirror when we got in and out. It happened again today at TU. It wasn't on nightvision this time (which is manual btw), but it was pointed down slightly at Haley's seat. If I was hitting it with my purse it would knock it down towards my seat. SO...I don't really know what to make of this phenomenon but I definitely can't explain it. Haley was pretty freaked out poor thing! HAHA.Ok, now that I've spooked myself all over again, I'm going to try and get some sound sleep! Tomorrow I meet with another advisor at TU to look over my new set of psychology classes, make sure I can get this second degree...and then I can finally buy the books! Then I'll be set...I have my parking permit, my new ID, I turned in my financial aid app. Almost set for school in two weeks! I'm kinda excited.
Well, Good Night and Signing Off.
Friday, July 24, 2009
My History
My mom was doing a little cleaning yesterday in her room, going through her drawers and putting things into "keep" and "donate" piles.
She stumbled across the geneology books from her mom and dad and we opened them back up to take a look. It had been almost 4 years or so since we had last seen them.
I found out that I am definitely a heinz 57 of a human, a mutt! But, not in the negative sense of the word.
From my grandma's side I am: German, Italian, Swiss, French and English.
From my grandpa's side I am: Dutch, English, Irish, German, and French.
Not to mention that my great great grandmother on my dad's side was full blood Chickasaw Indian as well as their, no doubt, multicultural background.
So, yes I have many different origins and cultures in my family history from a civil war 145th regiment soldier to a lord mayor in England, a relative that was alive when King Edward I was in reign, to the first descendants that landed in Pennsylvania and New Jersey, to a Van Winkle that owned the original War Eagle mill in Arkansas and most of the county.
It was an interesting look back at history, a nostalgic afternoon.
She stumbled across the geneology books from her mom and dad and we opened them back up to take a look. It had been almost 4 years or so since we had last seen them.
I found out that I am definitely a heinz 57 of a human, a mutt! But, not in the negative sense of the word.
From my grandma's side I am: German, Italian, Swiss, French and English.
From my grandpa's side I am: Dutch, English, Irish, German, and French.
Not to mention that my great great grandmother on my dad's side was full blood Chickasaw Indian as well as their, no doubt, multicultural background.
So, yes I have many different origins and cultures in my family history from a civil war 145th regiment soldier to a lord mayor in England, a relative that was alive when King Edward I was in reign, to the first descendants that landed in Pennsylvania and New Jersey, to a Van Winkle that owned the original War Eagle mill in Arkansas and most of the county.
It was an interesting look back at history, a nostalgic afternoon.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
July Post
I have enrolled for classes for this fall semester at TU. I am just taking 12 hours! Which will be so different from the 17 I used to take. What will I do with my time??
I think I have decided to pursue medical school...despite the stupid threatening health care reform. It was what I originally wanted to do when I graduated from high school. I've just changed my mind so many times...lost myself a little bit. It's also an extended "make up your mind" time...if I go into these bio and chem classes and absolutely hate them...well, then I haven't really lost much. It's basically what I would be doing if I didn't take the AP classes so I'm pumped.
So...in a caddy moment...I looked up some of my old crushes on facebook from high school and one from college tonight. They are almost ALL single or ugly now! YAY! HAHAHAHAHA I love it. I think I will LOVE going to my ten year high school reunion and seeing all of the popular people with wrinkles, fat and old. Makes my night! Ah.
My birthday is in two days! The 20th! I will be 21! I'm excited! I'm not 100% sure what I'll be doing...but I know that I'm going out on my birthday and that next weekend as well. I plan on having a good time! ;)
Also, I officially do not have an ulcer. They did an EGD two days ago and there's no hole in my stomach causing me ulcer-like pains. Instead, I have bile in my stomach...which my gastro thinks causes the pain instead. I just hope he's right and that this new medicine will make the pain go away. He told me that with all of my stomach problems, I need to be on prozac! LOL....he's so right. I plan on getting me some good drugs soon! :-)
Anyway, George of the Jungle is on...I'm gonna go watch it or go to sleep. Night ya'll.
I think I have decided to pursue medical school...despite the stupid threatening health care reform. It was what I originally wanted to do when I graduated from high school. I've just changed my mind so many times...lost myself a little bit. It's also an extended "make up your mind" time...if I go into these bio and chem classes and absolutely hate them...well, then I haven't really lost much. It's basically what I would be doing if I didn't take the AP classes so I'm pumped.
So...in a caddy moment...I looked up some of my old crushes on facebook from high school and one from college tonight. They are almost ALL single or ugly now! YAY! HAHAHAHAHA I love it. I think I will LOVE going to my ten year high school reunion and seeing all of the popular people with wrinkles, fat and old. Makes my night! Ah.
My birthday is in two days! The 20th! I will be 21! I'm excited! I'm not 100% sure what I'll be doing...but I know that I'm going out on my birthday and that next weekend as well. I plan on having a good time! ;)
Also, I officially do not have an ulcer. They did an EGD two days ago and there's no hole in my stomach causing me ulcer-like pains. Instead, I have bile in my stomach...which my gastro thinks causes the pain instead. I just hope he's right and that this new medicine will make the pain go away. He told me that with all of my stomach problems, I need to be on prozac! LOL....he's so right. I plan on getting me some good drugs soon! :-)
Anyway, George of the Jungle is on...I'm gonna go watch it or go to sleep. Night ya'll.
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