I realized three days after applying to TCC that I had not received an acceptance e-mail because they are waiting for my transcripts. All four of them - High School, 2 Undergrad colleges and 1 Grad college.

Hopefully, they will receive these soon so I can enroll in classes!

I just got back from a weekend in Arkansas with the cuz, her son and my sister. We had a pretty good time. There's never really anything exciting, just spending time with each other. It means a lot to her, otherwise I just wouldn't go. Haley was very glad that she was treated well -- I told her there was no reason to worry. So, all in all it was a successfully splendid weekend away. Good for both of us. We're all really tired for some reason though.

I still need to contact people to shadow...I look at Colton and Liam and Zander, and it seems as though you can tell now what they will succeed in at some point in the future. Zander is very intellectual and great at english. Liam is much more physical in nature and does not like to sit still. I think he'll do something with his hands. And Colton likes putting things away and playing with cords so I'm imagining him becoming an engineer, electrician or pro golfer :) I just wish my mom had made a mental note of me at that age and could tell me now what she was thinking for me.

I realize how stupid it sounds that I am wanting to, again, change my path. But, people do it all the time. And, so many people do not have the same opportunities that I am blessed with...so why not take advantage of my situation and place in life and go for more. I do not want to settle. And, I never saw myself as something other than a person with a PhD, MD or other doctorate of some sort. I know that no matter what I choose I'll do it well -- it's just finding something that I would like to do for a long time.

Dr. Habashi said, "I have no doubt that whatever you choose you will do good". I replied, "yes, I know I'll give my best into whatever I choose and I'll be good at it." She said, "No, not do well in the job, but do good for others." That really stuck with me. I hope it does for a long time.

Embarkation

My birthday is today and I want this to be the start of a new year. Which means, my diet has got to start tomorrow or within the next couple of days.

I am thinking that I want to continue with school, especially after talking with an academic mentor of mine.

It's no secret that I've had trouble trying to decide on what to do next. I had a discussion with a life coach and she suggested that it was time that I get a job. Get some on the job training instead of academic/university training.

So, after graduating I was somewhat set on that direction. I began applying to lots of jobs only to get turned down. It's hard to find a job out there!

Then, I met with my mentor a week ago and she asked me why I was going to get a job. What my plan was for the future. I told her I had no idea...I was just applying for anything that looked interesting to me. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do in five years.

She kind of confronted me and asked me why I would do that instead of taking more classes or doing something that would interest me more. It was a good question. Made me think!

I told her that I was interested in oncology, OB/GYN, neonatologist, and physical therapy. Those are things I keep coming back to whenever I think of my "options".

So, I think I am going to enroll in prerequisite courses for PT, at least for right now. I'll go to TCC. It'll take me a year to complete the prereq's for PT. Probably 2 or more years of prereq's for med school if that's what I decide to do. I plan on shadowing a PT and a doctor. In fact, I need to call someone soon so I can do that.

I'm the type of person that has to get my hands dirty and immerse myself in the role to know if I will like it. It's how I've known about what I haven't liked before. So, I think it will really help to do some observation and shadowing.

And, that means I have at least a year to get back in shape. That should be plenty of time to lose at least 70 pounds and plenty of time to figure out my next steps.

Here goes nothing!!

And, I'm off. I graduated with my Master in Human Relations last Friday. But, I don't think it has really hit me yet that I have a post-graduate degree. Hell yeah I'm proud of myself!!

Now, it's up to me to figure out what to do next. Whether that's more school or finding a career, it's all good from here.

Random Thoughts

I have discovered through self-reflection that I am very good at writing fact-based and research-based papers. And, I have somewhat lost my ability to write creatively. It's sad...I used to be such a great creative writer.

Sweetie

Sweetie Walton, the calico, would be twelve years old this July. We didn't know her

exact birthday so we said it was with mine on July 20th.

I remember when I first saw Sweetie. "Santa" had dropped her and Shasta off on Christmas Eve with my mom's side of the family all celebrating with Christmas dinner. Haley so was so stinkin' excited. My mom said "Do you hear that? I think that's Santa, let's go look!". So we all ran outside and my aunt brought out the kittens...just eight weeks old at the time.

We had been wanting pets since I was old enough to ask for one. Finally my parents (really my dad) caved in.

Haley named Sweetie and I named Shasta and it stuck. They were so much fun. I remember one day when my mom called me in and both of them had hopped into the nice warm dryer as she was unloading it. Or the time that Shasta was no where to be found, except when I opened up the linen closet to pull out a towel.

After Shasta had knocked Sweetie out of the second story window, we decided to give her to my aunt Eloda. We kept Sweetie. Since we got the cats a year after we moved in, I'm not sure how it's going to feel without her here. Yes, I'll have Buddy. And, yes he won't be as jealous ;-) But, even animals grieve.

I'll miss my friend. You know, I had heard that animals can cry. I had never seen it before. But, she knew there was something up when we kissed her and told her goodbye tonight. She was crying. And it was hard, very hard...But, I know we made the right decision. She's no longer in any pain. She's resting. She was much older than me and wise beyond her years. I hope she felt that she lived a good life.

I just know my grandpa met her in heaven (he loved cats) so she's in good hands...and we'll see her again someday soon. I love you my Sweetie.

I've been sick for the last few days. I've had a low grade fever, throbbing headaches, and horrible back aches. Not sure what it is, but I'd like it to stop.

But, I have gone out anyways. No one else in my family is sick, so I'm guessing it's not contagious. And, I'm not going to let it keep me down. I went out walking with a friend on Saturday, it was so nice outside and the wind kept us cool :) But, other than that I have been laying around, sleeping in, and doing some career searching. Just wanting to see what's out there.

And, I've been dating. Haley almost forced me to put a profile on plentyoffish.com and I finally did. I've gotten a lot of messages from guys! And, I've been out with two. Both seem pretty nice. Still feels weird though because I don't really know them.

One of them, I'll call him Peter, gives me a weird feeling. Not sure what it is, I can't put my finger on it. I have always been really good at reading people and their intentions, way before some of my friends and family. And, there's just something not right. I'm not sure what is normal for texting when you've only been out once, but for my preferences he does it too much -- almost to the point of annoying.

The other, I'll call him Sam...I felt nothing weird whatsoever when we went out Saturday night. It was nice! We went to eat and then went on a drive; I showed him around Tulsa since he's not from here.

I actually left the first date with Peter feeling upset. He had just given me my first kiss, ever. And I was on the verge of crying because I felt like, "if this is what dating is and how it feels then, I don't want to date". But, luckily it felt no where near that with Sam...so I still have hope.

I am finally getting my flirt on too ;) I've never really been great at it, so I can only hope I've gotten better and not worse :) Now, I just need to prove to myself that I can lose some weight. Then, I'll feel even MORE comfortable in my own skin.

Hoping that I start feeling better and that this week is awesome! :D

Romantic Comedies -- why do I put myself through them?

I went and saw Just Go With It with a friend last night. Super cute and hilarious! Definitely a RomCom and I'm going to buy it. But....................movies like that make my heart hurt. Most of the time I can ignore the fact that I am not in a romantic relationship, but then in those moments it all hits me and I feel like cryin or gettin it on ;) or screaming. Pick one.

And, I know movies are not like real life. No one looks that good or says those things. But, still. It leaves me longing for companionship and love so bad that it hurts.

Not sure really why I watch them when I always feel like this after a good ending. Maybe it's my hopeless romantic side flaring up underneath my "everything is fine" exterior. Or maybe it's hope. I choose the latter.

Mmmmm I listening to Nat King Cole on iTunes. His voice to me is like cinnamon, or maple sliding down a tree, or the smell of fresh cut wood. I could listen to his voice forever. I hope that God's voice sounds like a mixture of him and Morgan Freeman :) But...I know it'll be even sweeter.

For some reason my foot hurts today and has for the last two days in the boot!! I think it's because I did a lot of walking at work today :( Stinks. The boot is uncomfortable and I wish I didn't need it. But, it will be off soon! :)

Mmmmm Bing Crosby just came up on my shuffle. Gotta go drift away to his lulling voice. Yumminess.

Existential Moment

Sitting here watching the Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.

Makes me think about my own bucket list...which I have not really made...And the awesome glasses that Jack Nicholson uses to watch T.V. while laying down :)

So, what am I doing? I have a friend who has traveled overseas, graduated from Yale and is now at UC Davis able to visit San Fran whenever she wants. I have another that graduated high school early and went to Spain to study for 6 months and is back in the states engaged to a Spaniard. I have another that interned at Crested Butte (sp?) and now lives in Chicago doing the job of her dreams. I have another who has a G0d given talent for art. Graduated from OU and is now in Ireland in graduate school for art!!! Ireland! And the list goes on and on.

If I really want something, why do I not go for it??? I want to live in San Francisco, D.C., Portland, NYC. I want to travel across Europe, possibly live there. I want to go sailing on the ocean. I want to write my own book of poetry. I want to see 1000 sunrises and sunsets. I want to travel to the intricate non-touristy areas of Mexico. I want to see where the water in South America is half black and half muddy brown. I want to see the lake of fireflies.

So, what is holding me back? Not just about the big things, but even the little things. I want to stretch my wings and really just -- live. God has given me this wonderful life, why do I forsake it and waste it like I do?

No more hiding from myself and others. Like it or not, this is me!!!

my food addiction

I have been on the Atkins Diet a week ago last Monday. So, about a week and a half. It has been HARD.

I now know what it would be like to be addicted to something and have those intense cravings when you are trying to quit because I felt that. Hello, my name is Kelsy and I am addicted to food.

Well first of all you go through the induction flu as your body moves into ketosis (burning fat for energy). And, I certainly did. My legs were cramping. I was so nauseous and dizzy. I was actually running a low grade fever.

And, to top it all off I have not lost as much weight as they say you typically should. Typically you lose up to 14 pounds in the first two weeks. I have only lost 6. SIX!!!

The other thing about this diet is that it is a life style change. You basically have to do this diet for the rest of your life or you will gain back because your body will go out of ketosis.

I don't know if I can do this diet for the rest of my life! So much protein that you can cook in only so many ways. And, I originally did this diet because I love meat and fish and cheese. But, I had no idea that I could get sick of it so quickly.

There is one plus to this diet and that is I am not hungry during the day which is a miracle! I no longer get shaky or sick if I am hungry.

So, I don't know. I thought I needed a diet that felt like a diet because all of the others haven't worked. But, I'm not sure I can do this for that much longer.

But, If I don't what will I do? I'm already thinking about the Best Life diet by Oprah's trainer Bob Greene. He has it in 4 phases that let you take baby steps and built in cheating days.

SOOO, for now I'm frustrated with myself. I can't keep to any diet for very long...just like everything else in my life! No, I'm not becoming depressed again....just forcing myself to analyze myself. Hopefully, I will change for the better.

So, Sweetie is still here. The steroids we've been giving her have really helped. She seems to feel so much better and it's lifted all of our spirits. She's back to her normal self, except more snuggly :) which I love. Just trying not to think that it's going to end soon.

Third day stuck in this house due to the 14 inches of snow and they're saying more is coming tomorrow, sunday and next wednesday. :( When will it end...I wish I was in Alaska. At least I would have pretty mountains and glaciers to enjoy.

I have gotten a few things done those since I've been snowlocked. Cleaned up under the bathroom sink, polished my silver jewelry, uploaded videos from a year ago that needed to go up, and finished a paper on Tuesday. Still have plenty to do, but for now I am loving sitting here and letting myself do absolutely nothing. It's a needed respite and I'm enjoying every minute of it!!

Sweetie

Sweetie is very sick. She was diagnosed with what they think is Feline Infectious Paratinitis -- the worst it could have been .

They originally thought it could be leukemia, AIDS, or FIP. And, apparently FIP spells a fast death sentence.

I absolutely hate suffering. I hate watching people sick and dying. I hate watching an animal who is also going through the same thing. It breaks my heart.

She's more depressed, staying to herself or upstairs all of the time. She has almost stopped eating completely -- which means no passing of the food either. Today she almost bit me when I tried to pick her up, I think it hurts her.

Two nights ago, I was in my room upstairs, trying to go to sleep, and I could hear her sitting just outside my door panting and gasping to breath.

I couldn't stand it, I started crying and had to go downstairs to lay with my mom instead.

The steroids seem to help ease the pain and let her feel a little better...for a few hours.

If she keeps on like this, I think we're going to have to put her down tomorrow. Ah, I'm crying just thinking about it.

What also stinks is that, I wanted her to be euthanized at home where she is most happiest. She absolutely HATES and LOATHES the vet. She becomes this bobcat hissing and spitting. I don't want the last minutes of her life to be spent in anger and fear.

But, I learned that even if the vet came to our house, he'd still have to hold her down to give her a shot and then find a vein. So...she'd still be upset and growling.

She's not going to get to go the way I wanted her to. I wish she could just die in my arms or at home sometimes. Just drift off to sleep.

It's amazing how much you can feel sad when you lose an animal. She was always there, always a part of our family for the past 10.5 years. The house won't be the same without her, because I can't remember a time when she wasn't there.

What really gets me upset is that she still purrs. After everything that she's going through, all the pain and labored breathing -- if you pet her, she still purrs. She still purrs.

I'm going to miss my friend. But, she lived a long happy life -- plenty of food and shelter to keep her warm. No telling where she'd be if we hadn't adopted her.

Goodbye Sweetie.