Silly Ramblings of a Dreaming Schoolgirl

2011-07-31T16:44:00.001-05:00

I realized three days after applying to TCC that I had not received an acceptance e-mail because they are waiting for my transcripts. All four of them - High School, 2 Undergrad colleges and 1 Grad college.

Hopefully, they will receive these soon so I can enroll in classes!

I just got back from a weekend in Arkansas with the cuz, her son and my sister. We had a pretty good time. There's never really anything exciting, just spending time with each other. It means a lot to her, otherwise I just wouldn't go. Haley was very glad that she was treated well -- I told her there was no reason to worry. So, all in all it was a successfully splendid weekend away. Good for both of us. We're all really tired for some reason though.

I still need to contact people to shadow...I look at Colton and Liam and Zander, and it seems as though you can tell now what they will succeed in at some point in the future. Zander is very intellectual and great at english. Liam is much more physical in nature and does not like to sit still. I think he'll do something with his hands. And Colton likes putting things away and playing with cords so I'm imagining him becoming an engineer, electrician or pro golfer :) I just wish my mom had made a mental note of me at that age and could tell me now what she was thinking for me.

I realize how stupid it sounds that I am wanting to, again, change my path. But, people do it all the time. And, so many people do not have the same opportunities that I am blessed with...so why not take advantage of my situation and place in life and go for more. I do not want to settle. And, I never saw myself as something other than a person with a PhD, MD or other doctorate of some sort. I know that no matter what I choose I'll do it well -- it's just finding something that I would like to do for a long time.

Dr. Habashi said, "I have no doubt that whatever you choose you will do good". I replied, "yes, I know I'll give my best into whatever I choose and I'll be good at it." She said, "No, not do well in the job, but do good for others." That really stuck with me. I hope it does for a long time.

Embarkation

2011-07-20T00:21:00.001-05:00

My birthday is today and I want this to be the start of a new year. Which means, my diet has got to start tomorrow or within the next couple of days.

I am thinking that I want to continue with school, especially after talking with an academic mentor of mine.

It's no secret that I've had trouble trying to decide on what to do next. I had a discussion with a life coach and she suggested that it was time that I get a job. Get some on the job training instead of academic/university training.

So, after graduating I was somewhat set on that direction. I began applying to lots of jobs only to get turned down. It's hard to find a job out there!

Then, I met with my mentor a week ago and she asked me why I was going to get a job. What my plan was for the future. I told her I had no idea...I was just applying for anything that looked interesting to me. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do in five years.

She kind of confronted me and asked me why I would do that instead of taking more classes or doing something that would interest me more. It was a good question. Made me think!

I told her that I was interested in oncology, OB/GYN, neonatologist, and physical therapy. Those are things I keep coming back to whenever I think of my "options".

So, I think I am going to enroll in prerequisite courses for PT, at least for right now. I'll go to TCC. It'll take me a year to complete the prereq's for PT. Probably 2 or more years of prereq's for med school if that's what I decide to do. I plan on shadowing a PT and a doctor. In fact, I need to call someone soon so I can do that.

I'm the type of person that has to get my hands dirty and immerse myself in the role to know if I will like it. It's how I've known about what I haven't liked before. So, I think it will really help to do some observation and shadowing.

And, that means I have at least a year to get back in shape. That should be plenty of time to lose at least 70 pounds and plenty of time to figure out my next steps.

Here goes nothing!!

2011-05-18T22:31:00.002-05:00

And, I'm off. I graduated with my Master in Human Relations last Friday. But, I don't think it has really hit me yet that I have a post-graduate degree. Hell yeah I'm proud of myself!!

Now, it's up to me to figure out what to do next. Whether that's more school or finding a career, it's all good from here.

Random Thoughts

2011-04-13T23:01:00.003-05:00

I have discovered through self-reflection that I am very good at writing fact-based and research-based papers. And, I have somewhat lost my ability to write creatively. It's sad...I used to be such a great creative writer.

Sweetie

2011-03-29T19:07:00.005-05:00

Sweetie Walton, the calico, would be twelve years old this July. We didn't know her

exact birthday so we said it was with mine on July 20th.

I remember when I first saw Sweetie. "Santa" had dropped her and Shasta off on Christmas Eve with my mom's side of the family all celebrating with Christmas dinner. Haley so was so stinkin' excited. My mom said "Do you hear that? I think that's Santa, let's go look!". So we all ran outside and my aunt brought out the kittens...just eight weeks old at the time.

We had been wanting pets since I was old enough to ask for one. Finally my parents (really my dad) caved in.

Haley named Sweetie and I named Shasta and it stuck. They were so much fun. I remember one day when my mom called me in and both of them had hopped into the nice warm dryer as she was unloading it. Or the time that Shasta was no where to be found, except when I opened up the linen closet to pull out a towel.

After Shasta had knocked Sweetie out of the second story window, we decided to give her to my aunt Eloda. We kept Sweetie. Since we got the cats a year after we moved in, I'm not sure how it's going to feel without her here. Yes, I'll have Buddy. And, yes he won't be as jealous ;-) But, even animals grieve.

I'll miss my friend. You know, I had heard that animals can cry. I had never seen it before. But, she knew there was something up when we kissed her and told her goodbye tonight. She was crying. And it was hard, very hard...But, I know we made the right decision. She's no longer in any pain. She's resting. She was much older than me and wise beyond her years. I hope she felt that she lived a good life.

I just know my grandpa met her in heaven (he loved cats) so she's in good hands...and we'll see her again someday soon. I love you my Sweetie.

2011-03-14T00:59:00.002-05:00

I've been sick for the last few days. I've had a low grade fever, throbbing headaches, and horrible back aches. Not sure what it is, but I'd like it to stop.

But, I have gone out anyways. No one else in my family is sick, so I'm guessing it's not contagious. And, I'm not going to let it keep me down. I went out walking with a friend on Saturday, it was so nice outside and the wind kept us cool :) But, other than that I have been laying around, sleeping in, and doing some career searching. Just wanting to see what's out there.

And, I've been dating. Haley almost forced me to put a profile on plentyoffish.com and I finally did. I've gotten a lot of messages from guys! And, I've been out with two. Both seem pretty nice. Still feels weird though because I don't really know them.

One of them, I'll call him Peter, gives me a weird feeling. Not sure what it is, I can't put my finger on it. I have always been really good at reading people and their intentions, way before some of my friends and family. And, there's just something not right. I'm not sure what is normal for texting when you've only been out once, but for my preferences he does it too much -- almost to the point of annoying.

The other, I'll call him Sam...I felt nothing weird whatsoever when we went out Saturday night. It was nice! We went to eat and then went on a drive; I showed him around Tulsa since he's not from here.

I actually left the first date with Peter feeling upset. He had just given me my first kiss, ever. And I was on the verge of crying because I felt like, "if this is what dating is and how it feels then, I don't want to date". But, luckily it felt no where near that with Sam...so I still have hope.

I am finally getting my flirt on too ;) I've never really been great at it, so I can only hope I've gotten better and not worse :) Now, I just need to prove to myself that I can lose some weight. Then, I'll feel even MORE comfortable in my own skin.

Hoping that I start feeling better and that this week is awesome! :D

Romantic Comedies -- why do I put myself through them?

2011-02-21T23:22:00.004-06:00

I went and saw Just Go With It with a friend last night. Super cute and hilarious! Definitely a RomCom and I'm going to buy it. But....................movies like that make my heart hurt. Most of the time I can ignore the fact that I am not in a romantic relationship, but then in those moments it all hits me and I feel like cryin or gettin it on ;) or screaming. Pick one.

And, I know movies are not like real life. No one looks that good or says those things. But, still. It leaves me longing for companionship and love so bad that it hurts.

Not sure really why I watch them when I always feel like this after a good ending. Maybe it's my hopeless romantic side flaring up underneath my "everything is fine" exterior. Or maybe it's hope. I choose the latter.

Mmmmm I listening to Nat King Cole on iTunes. His voice to me is like cinnamon, or maple sliding down a tree, or the smell of fresh cut wood. I could listen to his voice forever. I hope that God's voice sounds like a mixture of him and Morgan Freeman :) But...I know it'll be even sweeter.

For some reason my foot hurts today and has for the last two days in the boot!! I think it's because I did a lot of walking at work today :( Stinks. The boot is uncomfortable and I wish I didn't need it. But, it will be off soon! :)

Mmmmm Bing Crosby just came up on my shuffle. Gotta go drift away to his lulling voice. Yumminess.

Existential Moment

2011-02-06T01:12:00.004-06:00

Sitting here watching the Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.

Makes me think about my own bucket list...which I have not really made...And the awesome glasses that Jack Nicholson uses to watch T.V. while laying down :)

So, what am I doing? I have a friend who has traveled overseas, graduated from Yale and is now at UC Davis able to visit San Fran whenever she wants. I have another that graduated high school early and went to Spain to study for 6 months and is back in the states engaged to a Spaniard. I have another that interned at Crested Butte (sp?) and now lives in Chicago doing the job of her dreams. I have another who has a G0d given talent for art. Graduated from OU and is now in Ireland in graduate school for art!!! Ireland! And the list goes on and on.

If I really want something, why do I not go for it??? I want to live in San Francisco, D.C., Portland, NYC. I want to travel across Europe, possibly live there. I want to go sailing on the ocean. I want to write my own book of poetry. I want to see 1000 sunrises and sunsets. I want to travel to the intricate non-touristy areas of Mexico. I want to see where the water in South America is half black and half muddy brown. I want to see the lake of fireflies.

So, what is holding me back? Not just about the big things, but even the little things. I want to stretch my wings and really just -- live. God has given me this wonderful life, why do I forsake it and waste it like I do?

No more hiding from myself and others. Like it or not, this is me!!!

my food addiction

2011-02-04T23:41:00.003-06:00

I have been on the Atkins Diet a week ago last Monday. So, about a week and a half. It has been HARD.

I now know what it would be like to be addicted to something and have those intense cravings when you are trying to quit because I felt that. Hello, my name is Kelsy and I am addicted to food.

Well first of all you go through the induction flu as your body moves into ketosis (burning fat for energy). And, I certainly did. My legs were cramping. I was so nauseous and dizzy. I was actually running a low grade fever.

And, to top it all off I have not lost as much weight as they say you typically should. Typically you lose up to 14 pounds in the first two weeks. I have only lost 6. SIX!!!

The other thing about this diet is that it is a life style change. You basically have to do this diet for the rest of your life or you will gain back because your body will go out of ketosis.

I don't know if I can do this diet for the rest of my life! So much protein that you can cook in only so many ways. And, I originally did this diet because I love meat and fish and cheese. But, I had no idea that I could get sick of it so quickly.

There is one plus to this diet and that is I am not hungry during the day which is a miracle! I no longer get shaky or sick if I am hungry.

So, I don't know. I thought I needed a diet that felt like a diet because all of the others haven't worked. But, I'm not sure I can do this for that much longer.

But, If I don't what will I do? I'm already thinking about the Best Life diet by Oprah's trainer Bob Greene. He has it in 4 phases that let you take baby steps and built in cheating days.

SOOO, for now I'm frustrated with myself. I can't keep to any diet for very long...just like everything else in my life! No, I'm not becoming depressed again....just forcing myself to analyze myself. Hopefully, I will change for the better.

2011-02-03T20:40:00.002-06:00

So, Sweetie is still here. The steroids we've been giving her have really helped. She seems to feel so much better and it's lifted all of our spirits. She's back to her normal self, except more snuggly :) which I love. Just trying not to think that it's going to end soon.

Third day stuck in this house due to the 14 inches of snow and they're saying more is coming tomorrow, sunday and next wednesday. :( When will it end...I wish I was in Alaska. At least I would have pretty mountains and glaciers to enjoy.

I have gotten a few things done those since I've been snowlocked. Cleaned up under the bathroom sink, polished my silver jewelry, uploaded videos from a year ago that needed to go up, and finished a paper on Tuesday. Still have plenty to do, but for now I am loving sitting here and letting myself do absolutely nothing. It's a needed respite and I'm enjoying every minute of it!!

Sweetie

2011-01-19T11:38:00.002-06:00

Sweetie is very sick. She was diagnosed with what they think is Feline Infectious Paratinitis -- the worst it could have been .

They originally thought it could be leukemia, AIDS, or FIP. And, apparently FIP spells a fast death sentence.

I absolutely hate suffering. I hate watching people sick and dying. I hate watching an animal who is also going through the same thing. It breaks my heart.

She's more depressed, staying to herself or upstairs all of the time. She has almost stopped eating completely -- which means no passing of the food either. Today she almost bit me when I tried to pick her up, I think it hurts her.

Two nights ago, I was in my room upstairs, trying to go to sleep, and I could hear her sitting just outside my door panting and gasping to breath.

I couldn't stand it, I started crying and had to go downstairs to lay with my mom instead.

The steroids seem to help ease the pain and let her feel a little better...for a few hours.

If she keeps on like this, I think we're going to have to put her down tomorrow. Ah, I'm crying just thinking about it.

What also stinks is that, I wanted her to be euthanized at home where she is most happiest. She absolutely HATES and LOATHES the vet. She becomes this bobcat hissing and spitting. I don't want the last minutes of her life to be spent in anger and fear.

But, I learned that even if the vet came to our house, he'd still have to hold her down to give her a shot and then find a vein. So...she'd still be upset and growling.

She's not going to get to go the way I wanted her to. I wish she could just die in my arms or at home sometimes. Just drift off to sleep.

It's amazing how much you can feel sad when you lose an animal. She was always there, always a part of our family for the past 10.5 years. The house won't be the same without her, because I can't remember a time when she wasn't there.

What really gets me upset is that she still purrs. After everything that she's going through, all the pain and labored breathing -- if you pet her, she still purrs. She still purrs.

I'm going to miss my friend. But, she lived a long happy life -- plenty of food and shelter to keep her warm. No telling where she'd be if we hadn't adopted her.

Goodbye Sweetie.

Resolutions 2011

2010-12-31T12:33:00.002-06:00

So, I did it. I joined ediets.com and will be starting the glycemic index diet tomorrow -- going grocery shopping later today for this next week.

I have 95 pounds to lose and ediets has me on a schedule of 51 weeks (2lbs of weight loss a week) to get down to my goal weight.

I REALLY need to stick with this. I'm sluggish, tired, out of shape. My joints hurt -- I feel like I'm a 40 year old woman. I have weird sicknesses that I can't figure out. I don't like going out because of my weight and therefore wonder why any guy would want to date a heavy person like me. I'm probably close to developing diabetes and can't play this guessing game anymore.

So, any way...it is one of my resolutions to lose a TON of weight this year.

I also want to resolve to watch less television, take myself less seriously and just let go, become more outgoing, get more involved in exercise and sports, and take up a hobby that will get me energized and going.

So, here's to a new year tomorrow. The start of another 365 days. We never know what the future holds, whether the next moment may be our last. So, I resolve to live for the moment. Live in the here and now the way God created me to be. He didn't make me to live in the future or the past -- I just need to relax and let go and let God.

May 2011 be filled with joy and happiness. May 2011 bring new challenges from which to grow and new opportunities to take. And most of all, please be better than 2010!!!! Cheers! :-)

Old Crush

2010-12-14T23:17:00.003-06:00

I should be going to bed...and I am sleepy. But, not ready yet so here's a post :)

Every once in a while I do this...but I went back and looked at a few of the crushes I've had over the years. One in particular that I told him I liked him while I was very drunk haha!

I don't regret it, although it made things really awkward...but looking at him now, he don't look so cute any more mama! He's got a long, slim face...lost it's boyish charm.

But. But, I will say he seems like he is the same genuinely nice, funny, and caring guy that I remember from my first year in college at TCU...So, shame on me for looking at my old crushes and judging them on their current looks. If he was still in school with me today, I know I'd be fighting with myself on whether to keep my hands off him ;)

Life recently

2010-11-16T22:51:00.003-06:00

It's been a while since my last post....things have been super busy. So busy, I haven't had time to reflect.

But, things are slowing down now, hence the new post. I decided to drop my thesis and take the comps instead next semester. The thesis was a little more than I bargained For. I know too little about the field to really write about it at this point, my research writing skills are poor, and the professor doesn't really want me to do it either, so there ya go. Problem solved, no more thesis.

I did put in a lot of work, but I'll just chalk it up to experience...again.

Volunteering at LIBR has been great. The people are awesome and the things we get to do on a daily basis are so interesting! Analyzing brain data from an fMRI scan -- too cool.

My mom had neck surgery last month, before Halloween. She's doing pretty well. She kinda stopped taking her pain meds, so she hurts more, but I can't really blame her -- I hate taking those too. She's getting pretty bored tho! I can only imagine -- watching TV 7-8 hours a day while we're all working would get really boring. So, she's been playing games on TV and watching movies...there's nothing on during the day anyway.

Haley is doing well in school. Yesterday they had a two hour lock down while the Jenks police searched for two armed robbers in the area. That was kinda scary, didn't like getting that phone call from the school or her. But, glad everyone was safe.

I played a concert Sunday night with the Tulsa Signature Symphony. Sam Harris was the guest singer. He was AWESOME!!! He is a vocal musician, seriously. The music just gets deep in his soul and just reverberates to everyone. He's so good. Makes me want to go see him play Al Joleson on Broadway. AND, so proud that he's an Oklahoma native of Sand Springs!!!

My playing, however, on Sunday night was not the greatest. I haven't really played the viola consistently for a while now and it shows. I hate that. I love music, I love playing, practicing...it's ok lol. I just need to find the time to make it happen no matter what. That is something I cannot give up. I am a musician, but I was sure rusty.

I must say adieu and good night and have a good morrow. :)

Numb

2010-09-17T13:51:00.003-05:00

The last couple of days have been a little weird.

Tuesday I went to the doctor for a sore throat and skin rash. He prescribed an antibiotic in case it was strep. Wednesday morning I took one pill of the medication (500mg) and then by noon I was numb all over.

My lips, tongue, face, neck, arms, legs, hands, fingers, toes, stomach. I was getting icy chills and my throat started feeling funny.

I called the doctor and he recommended that I went to Warren Clinic...but by the time we were almost there I was only able to take short breaths so we decided to go the ER where the doctor said it was an adverse reaction to the medication.

Four benadryl, zyrtec and prednazone later....today I am still numb.

Except now I have body aches and prickly pin-like feelings. Decided to go to the doctor again (this time my pcp)...and he said that I am most likely allergic to the medication, but that it was the mixture of the med with my current meds that did it.

Apparently, my medications are all screwed up and unbalanced in my body (producing the numbness) and it will take up to 6 weeks to feel normal again.

I'm just so glad that I only took one pill. And I'm so glad it is just a medication reaction and not something more serious. Thank you Jesus.

But, it is simply amazing that one pill can do so much damage. My mom said, sometimes it's not the sickness, but the cure that can kill you. She's right!

Experience can bite you in the BUTT

2010-09-03T11:47:00.003-05:00

So, I will chalk this up to lesson learned...despite how much I really want to call and chew someone's ass up one side and down the other.

Next time, I will get how much I am to be paid in writing. I'm sure I could prove, even now, that I was stiffed $300 of my $1300 check...but is it really worth it?

Especially if I want to use these people as a future reference. And is even that worth it?

GRRRRR

2010-08-28T14:08:00.002-05:00

I had the weirdest dream of my life last night. I thought I would share, yes, another dream with you all.

Where to begin...This is kind of sci-fi in nature. We were told that the earth was going to be destroyed unless we stepped in and helped. So we all boarded a space ship together and lifted off of the surface. We were gone for what seemed like a year. It was very dark, with red beams for light.

While on the ship, some individuals were forced into submission as a sacrifice to save the rest of us. They were taken, transformed into a translucent ghost-like mist and were forced to serve. The place where they served was this old fantastical looking tree, surrounded by more mist. You could hear their voices, but you could not see them. This was also back on earth.

So, whenever this creature desired another sacrifice, a group of people stepped up to the plate and from that group about 5 would be chosen by this creature. There was one lady that said that she would go, despite being pregnant, if it meant saving us.

In her group were 12 other people that had been chosen. However, they were not transformed. They remained. I asked myself why and wondered if the fact that she was with child would mean that this wouldn't work. In my head, I thought...I should go. I should take her place.

Suddenly I was lifted a few inches into the air and carried over by this unseen force into one of the chairs surrounding the other 12. I prayed to God to protect me and to protect my family. To forgive me of my sins and to spare me pain because I had been chosen by this creature. I remember thinking, only God can hear my inner thoughts. Was it God that chose me? The devil can't hear this... (not sure what that means).

But, for some reason, we were not transformed. I asked if it was because of the number of people - 13 vs. 5.

All of a sudden, we entered earth's atmosphere. We were told that we were to land the ship on earth. I panicked as I thought of what this would mean (for some reason). I asked the captain if we were coming in too fast and if we would create a meteor-like effect on the earth's surface by coming in at such high speeds.

Next, I heard the hissing of the gas as it slowly allowed us to descend on to the soil. I looked to my left and saw the tree. I called out to the people there and they responded. Some of them transformed back into human form. I also learned that some of the things in the mist were not human - but mystical animals. One was an over-sized heinous blue bear-like creature. The other a huge 11 foot she-ox with a HUGE head.

We left the ship and I immediately went shopping for supplies in this huge warehouse. I was told to be wary of the two animals. I paid 35 cents to cross a bridge that rose up 8 feet, safe from the blue bear. But the she-ox was still able to attack.

I managed to sneak up behind the she-ox. I begged for my life as she tried to swing me over the bridge. Suddenly she spoke telling me that she was supposed to kill me, but was going to spare my life.

That's about it. Of course, you all can't see the immense minute details in my dream like the color of the blue bear, the face of the she-ox, the metal shield of the space ship, the thousands and thousands of things available in the warehouse, the feeling of the mist...etc.

But, hopefully you can see why this was one WEIRD dream!!

Summer Update

2010-07-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

I thought it was time for a new post, because I dislike the last one. Leaves a foul taste in my mouth.

So, I'm sick of the rain. This is July...supposed to be swimming weather.

Still working on e-mailing all of the professors I'm interested in working with for my PhD. Trying to get enrolled for a class at TU that can be transferred over to the MHR program I'm in now. Trying to study for the GRE and work on my personal statement for the applications I'll be doing soon. And most importantly, trying to do some major research for my master's thesis. And if that's not enough, travelling to Atoka two days a week to see the clients and on Thursdays here in Tulsa.

GAH!! What a summer!!! I try not to think about it because it makes my brain hurt lol. (Cog. Neuroscience joke...haha).

Anyway, hope you all are having fun and safe summers!

Loss.

2010-06-25T01:54:00.003-05:00

So...my friendship with the longest person I've known outside of family has ended. I was really angry at first because I was being blamed for the situation...when I had in fact done nothing wrong. (And when I mean nothing wrong, I'm not lying...I'm 100% serious. Nothing. Wrong.)

I thought it would be fixable...but the wonderful internet gets in the way again. I wish people could read vocal intonation and facial expressions through the written word, but you can't. So, what I said was taken completely the wrong way and without the full context.

So, now I'm no longer angry. I'm upset, sad, and grieving a loss of friendship with her for the second time in the 19 year relationship. Only this time it's really over.

I realize that it's her problem...if she wants to be angry at me for nothing, then that is her choice and I cannot change her. At least I know that I was very respectful and never did anything ugly or rude or bitchy. I treated her like I would want to be treated, maybe even better. Actually, I treated her much better than I would treat myself....

At least I have that to hold on to...and the memories.

I wasn't emotional at first. Like I said, there was just anger and hurt. And as I was reading through Facebook comments on a friend's site from when her mother passed away, suddenly I found myself with tears that were flowing freely.

I guess I needed something to give me the option to vent and to release.

I'm a bottom line type of person...it was instilled in me throughout business school...so, bottom line I have lost a friend. Not the best friend in the world by any means because she has treated me poorly, but a friend that I loved just the same. Some have said I will be better without her, which may be true. Some have said that it's not really a great loss at all. But, for right now, I'm grieving the loss.

I hate loss.

2010-06-22T22:27:00.002-05:00

I found this paragraph that I had written 5 years ago, a junior in high school. Some things have changed, but is it sad that I kinda feel the same way?

"Most of my [girl]friends view themselves as worthless without a cute stud right by their side. It's so difficult to be alone with these girls that view men as their new title of "taken". Is a boyfriend just a title to be won, or is he the man that you can lean on, the one that you can't get out of your head, the one that you'd rather be arguing with than to be with anyone else? Isn't true love supposed to be like that...to be worth something? Why why why does everyone make out boyfriends to be their sense of worth? When did becoming lonely and becoming unattractive comingle?"

Like I said, some things have changed. I have some single friends now and I have friends who are happily married...but then I still have those girlfriends that are pretty much the same. I look at Haley's friends and hope and pray that they'll never be that way.

Yes, sometimes I still feel lonely (as is evidenced by the previous posts). But, then there are times that I know that I do not need a man to make me the woman I am today, to make me happy. I am who I am...and I love myself for it.

Friends and Forgiveness

2010-06-17T01:02:00.003-05:00

I'm not a bible scholar. Never have been. Sure I can memorize verses, who can't? I tried to read the bible all the way through once, got pretty close...still have 6 or so books to go.

I think I had the wrong motivation behind the reading though. I was trying to be the first in my family to read the entire bible. It didn't matter how fast I read or if I understood it. Also, granted I was about 12 years old...so most of what I read didn't have any significance for me anyway.

I bet if I picked it up now, it would. Or, I hope it would. It's something that I resolve to do every single January 1st, but it never manifests.

I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow, the longest person besides my parents that I have known. We were best friends for most of my life...and then life just happens, you know? People change, people grow, they continue to morph.

And, in the last few months we've kind of grown apart. Tomorrow we're meeting for dinner...She's angry with me and I'm angry with her, not going to lie.

I know when Peter (it's peter right?) asks Jesus how many times to forgive, he throws out a number, 7? And God says, 70 times 7, right?

So, I know I'm supposed to forgive her. I want to. So...I ask myself if I should go into tomorrow's dinner and act like nothing has ever happened (even though definite things did)? Or if I should actually, for once in my life, tell her why I am upset with her?

Is it better to keep those things in? I'm not so sure. It hasn't worked well for me in the past...that's usually where the pent up anger begins to fester and ooze and get worse over time until it leads to resentment, a not so good thing. Not so good at all.

To tell or not to tell? That is the question...

2010-05-31T23:29:00.002-05:00

So, after last night's post, I saw a commercial for eharmony.com stating that this weekend was free communication weekend.

I thought, what the hell, and made an account. I also, hehe, went onto match.com and made a profile there also.

Well, I've had a good amount of interest from both already so I decided to sign up for three months with match.com and see what happens. I've been winked at, e-mailed and viewed 10 times on match and I've been asked to communicate from three guys on eharmony!

Let the games begin! ;)

2010-05-30T20:13:00.002-05:00

Just finished watching the MADE OF HONOR movie with my family. Honestly, why do I put myself through such torture. Just puts me in a hopelessly romantic mood and leaves me uber depressed.

Will the man of my dreams out there, please come and kiss me? Now.

Boundaries & Space

2010-05-18T21:56:00.004-05:00

Since I have been treating myself with more respect lately, putting up nice healthy boundaries with people that would normally take advantage...I have a friend or two that have been increasing their distance more and more over time.

It makes me sad, but I'm not going to change who I am now. I'm comfortable with myself. I know I'm not perfect, even though I strive to be. I know that I treat other people very well. I'm kind, smart, fun, and improving myself everyday.

I guess those friends can't deal with the me that was lying underneath the depression and other "blah" all along. It's sad. I'll still see them as "friends" or "acquaintances" ; I wish them no ill will and hope they are happy and blessed. But, let's just say I won't be reaching out and reaching out and reaching out for friendship when they keep retreating.

However, I need to improve my friendships with two other special friends. I'm not good with death and people dying. But, not because I fear death. Because I don't know how to comfort someone who is incapable of being comforted. I don't know what to say. I feel like anything I say will only hurt and I can't hurt them anymore. I just can't...so I keep quiet. Too quiet. Plus, one of the antidepressants that I'm on makes me have a really flat affect...so even if I want to cry with someone, I literally can't. Sucks.

I haven't meant to be rude. I've been trying to give these friends space, hoping that they will contact me when they need a friend. I let them know that I'm there for them. But, one friend, seems to be ticked off at me. Maybe I gave them too much space? Is this person the type that needs people around 24/7 and I didn't know? How do you weigh the fact that you want to be there for someone who's grieving as much as you can, but then need room for yourself as well? It's tough. BTW Naida, if you're reading, you are not the ticked off friend lol.

So I sincerely and humbly apologize. I'm sorry if I have hurt these two people in any way. I was caught up in life, busyness and other things and I never meant to hurt anyone. If I wasn't there when you needed me most, I'm sorry.

2010-04-29T11:52:00.003-05:00

My mom got the job!!!!!!!! YES!!! Thank you JESUS she got it!

Tomorrow if she didn't have the job, she would have had to sign away her career at IBM. But, now that is no more!! What are the odds that she is offered the job one day before it would have made a difference??? And the fact that this had to go all the way up through the hierarchy to the person that reports to the president of IBM, this is no small feat! She did it! So Proud!!!!

All I can say is God does amazing things. My mom is so happy, I'm so happy! Time to celebrate!! Break out the WINE!!!! Bring on the celebration!!! YES!!!!!

Death

2010-04-22T10:42:00.003-05:00

Many of my friends are grieving. One, the loss of a child she will never have. One, the loss of the health of her father. One, the loss of her grandmother/mother this morning. Loss is all around us...so what keeps up going?

My friend told me that her grandmother passed away this morning at 8am without anyone by her side. The last two evenings she had lingered on while all of her daughters and her grandchild were there with her through the night. They had set up candles and were there to be with her when she passed. But yet, she waited until everyone had left.

It makes you wonder how much they can hear and can feel when they are in those seemingly unawakened states. Did she feel that it was best to leave when her family was not with her because she knew the pain that they were feeling? Or that one daughter was begging her not to go? It's possible. She was a strong woman.

It reminds me of my grandfather. On the morning that he passed, my sister and I went to go hold his hands and his pulse dropped significantly. He relaxed. My mom had said that he knew that we were holding his hands and it was comforting to him. He was breathing much more calmly.

After everyone had left but my sister, my mom and I, I took out my viola, put on my mute, and started to play. I played as beautiful as I could, as pretty as I could, as courageously as I could.

As soon as I hit one of the climax's of the piece, the machines started beeping. My mother started crying. They came in and turned off the machines and my mom told me to stop...that she wanted me to leave with Haley. I packed up my instrument and took Haley and as soon as we stepped into the hallway he took his last breath, smiling and peaceful.

It couldn't have been coincidence. Just like it couldn't have been coincidence with my friend's grandmother that she waited until she was alone, I believe the music was beckoning him into heaven. He heard the music, saw the gates open, and thought, I'm home.

It's one of the greatest honors that I still hold on to today. I got to play for my grandpa while he left this world and went onto the next. Please pray for my three friends and my family...we could all use your prayers.

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

I am Fat and Other Revelations

2010-04-17T16:21:00.002-05:00

My mom and sister just got back from shopping at The Gap. Haley came in to the living room to show my dad and me some their new clothes (a sister thing). Haley pulls out a pair of khakis and says, and this is what mom got, and this, and this. What size were they?.......a size 6. Wow!!

I am really really happy for her that she is finally down to a size 6. She has been struggling with her weight for the last 15.5 years, ever since Haley was born. She had a hysterectomy and has had multiple surgeries on other things like shoulders and knees, neck, and back since then. All reasons to gain weight right? Anyway, I digress.

My mom used to look in the mirror and make fun of herself when she was fatter. She might say things like, I'm a whale. Or you should just harpoon me. She said that she wanted to lose weight to be happier with herself.

So, now the question is, mom are you really happy now? Now that you are 60 pounds lighter, are you happy? Is your body image improved? Do you feel like you're worth something now? I'm betting that it hasn't changed the thoughts about herself...unfortunately. I wish losing the weight would make self-doubt and depression leave that easily.

Because since her weight has been going down, mine has been going up. Verging on 200 lbs. I'm wearing size 18 jeans, the size my mom wore at her heaviest a few years ago. So, how does it make me feel when I remember those times when she thought that a 200 lb person was a whale...not so good. How does it feel when she tells me what to eat and chastises me on the choices I make now, rebellious -- because she's like a hypocrite to me. Here is this woman, that I love...my mother, who has traded places with me. She is now the skinniest in the family...and instead of offering encouraging words of advice, she says that I shouldn't eat that. Do you really want to eat that? Do you know how many points that's worth? Yes, damnit.

Also, I have a ten page research proposal due on Monday night in my research methods class. I don't know if it's because it feels overwhelming, or what...but I have just come to the conclusion that I am ENTIRELY...I don't know the term. Not indecisive (which I am). Ok, I'll explain the word I guess. I try something for a period of time, months to 6 months, and then decide that I'm over it. Is there a term for that? I'll give you some examples.

TCU Pre-Med Fall 2006-December 2006

TU pre-law January 07-July 07

TU business July 07-May 2009 (with many questioning periods of pre-law and pre-med in between)

TU second bachelor's degree May 2009-June 2009

TU pre-med June 2009-July 2009 (depression attacks)

OU Master's of Human Relations LPC August 2009-October 2009

Wanting to pursue a doctorate in cognitive neuroscience December 2009-Present (wonder how long this will last)

That's just education, here are others.

Joined gym December 2009, haven't been back since the first week in February.

Wanting to join Karate or Tae Kwon Do but do not have enough money.

I'm currently reading 3 or 4 books right now...3 of which I'm certain of, but I think there's a 4th.

I went vegetarian on April 1, yesterday and a week ago I ate meat. So, it's probably not long until I'll just give up on the veg thing. And that's only been 17 days.

So, please someone help me out. What is it? Do I have this need for excitement? Do I get bored easily? Am I really that indecisive? Do I think too far ahead into the future? Am I too dreamy of a person and not realistic enough? What is it? I'd sure like to find out...and soon...because it's quickly becoming a habit that I'm starting to abhor.

It worries me because, I guess I feel like...what's the point? What's the point of getting into this college and studying this if in a few months I'm going to hate it and want to move on to something different. If I could, I want to shadow and mentor with EVERY single profession that I could ever think of enjoying...then I would truly know whether or not I like something. But is that possible, hell no.

My own Happiness Project

2010-04-13T23:15:00.004-05:00

So proud of Adam Lambert on Idol...proves over and over that he's a true musician at heart, not just another singer with a nice voice. Excited to see him on Idol tomorrow night.

I'm reading The Happiness Project now by Gretchen Rubin. I thought I'd share with...myself...what I have learned thus far (one chapter).

I don't want to get to old age and say "What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner."

50% of happiness is due to genetics, 10-20% due to life circumstances (age, family, etc.), and 30-40% is due to the person's thoughts and actions.

The opposite of happiness is NOT depression (big one for me!)

"The concept of 'accessibility' suggested to me that by constantly reminding myself of certain goals and ideas, I could keep them more active in my mind". This is so true. The more you think about happy things, the more it will just become natural. It's retraining your brain to think of positive thoughts instead of negative ones. And what's the result? Hopefully a more content and happy demeanor and feeling. And, DUH, this is in the bible LOL (Philippians 4:8-10).

Rubin discusses her "secrets of adulthood" which are:

People don't notice my mistakes as much as I think
It's okay to ask for help
Most decisions don't require extensive research
Do good, feel good
Be nice to everyone
Bring a sweater (SO true)
Do a little each day to accomplish huge tasks
Soap and water remove most stains
If you can't find it, clean up
Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy
What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while
You don't have to be good at everything
If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good
What's fun for you may not be fun for everyone and vice versa

In a 2006 study, 84% of Americans ranked themselves as "very happy/pretty happy"

In a survey of 45 countries, people rank themselves a 7 on a 1-10 scale of happiness on average.

Research shows that happy people are more productive, altruistic, likable, healthier, creative, helpful, resilient, friendlier and make better friends, colleagues and citizens

And one that really hit me - "I didn't want to wait for a crisis to remake my life". WOW.

So, hopefully shortly after reading this book (or possibly during), I want to do my own happiness project and I hope you all will keep me accountable :) Peace out.

WEIRD ass dream

2010-04-12T23:35:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was playing the viola in my college orchestra again...only this time I was sitting towards the back and no one would talk with me. I approached someone and asked why and they said that I was very snobbish, condescending and thought that I was a better player than everyone else.

Then I received my mid-semester feedback from the conductor who said that he placed me at the back of the section because I absolutely "sucked" on the first concert of the semester and that I sounded horrible (even though I had played great for the other concerts). I was mortified! I excused myself from rehearsal and went to the restroom. For some reason my stall locked, but it also had a second door that locked, because the first led to the other stalls. I was in a hurry so I blocked all the other stalls and locked myself in. A little girl with a short blond bob came into the bathroom and peered through the crack at me and knocked, then told me to hurry up.

Suddenly I realized that there were two more stalls, occupied by my friends who were lounging and eating lunch (weird I know). Why didn't she knock on their doors? So, when I was finished I opened the door and told her that it is very rude to look at people through the crack between the stalls. She mouthed back at me and I was SOOO angry at her. (Was I being condescending again?)

I attempted to make it back to orchestra, but was lost. Heading through hallway after hallway, going through classrooms filled with people, trekking across campus...I never made it.

So, what was this dream about? Am I condescending? Or is it that I've been told by my mother that I seem snobbish because I'm "shy" when really I'm thinking of what to say if you come up and talk to me. Why would the conductor question my playing? Why did the girl peek between the stalls? Why was I extremely angry at her? Is the little girl me? And why was I lost...do I feel "lost" in real life?

I believe that dreams are a representation/the result of our conscious thoughts and awareness that are made into unconscious stories to express things, possibly tell stories, possibly reflect our current states of well-being.

What do you all think? What is the interpretation? I need some guidance please.

Independence

2010-04-04T22:03:00.002-05:00

Through reading someone's post and through the conversations I've heard today...I think I need to reflect on independence.

Independence means the act of being independent in most dictionaries. So, I chose to look up independent instead.

Independent: (Taken from Dictionary.com, keyword search: "Independent")

1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.

2. not subject to another's authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman.

3. not influenced by the thought or action of others: independent research.

4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.

5. not relying on another or others for aid or support.

6. rejecting others' aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.

7. possessing a competency: to be financially independent.

8. sufficient to support a person without his having to work: an independent income.

9. executed or originating outside a given unit, agency, business, etc.; external: an independent inquiry.

10. working for oneself or for a small, privately owned business.

11. expressive of a spirit of independence; self-confident; unconstrained: a free and independent citizen.

12. free from party commitments in voting: the independent voter."

So, my next question is, what does the bible say about dependence and independence?

1 Thessalonians 4:12 states "You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not depend on anybody"

Jeremiah 17:5 states "This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his own strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD"

Romans 12:18 states "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone"

Colossians 2:8 states "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ"

And then if you look at RELY in the bible you see passages like:

2 Chronicles 14:11 states "Then Asa called to the LORD his God and said, "LORD, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O LORD our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O LORD, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you."

2 Corinthians 1:9-11 states "Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. ¹⁰He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

And, of course there are many more scriptures.

So, here's what I've come to understand through this search. It's good to be dependent on God, not so much to be dependent on others. But, I would be careful to not assume that this means that the American westernized view of independence, all independence, is a good thing. Yes, we should not depend on others, but I don't think we should be totally devoid of others either. We should live in community.

I worry about American culture and society. It's so mechanical. So unemotional and cold...most conversations are through texting, e-mails, chats, etc. We don't take the time to listen to people's voices anymore or see people face to face. We're always in a hurry, never sleeping, always working, always busy busy busy.

When, if we just depend on God. If we just stop and relax and know that we're safe, secure, content, and are sufficiently satisfied...I wonder what would happen. Probably a revolution.

My thoughts, Kelsy.

Dreams

2010-03-21T23:06:00.002-05:00

I have had the weirdest dreams lately. Yes, another dream post.

So, in my dream last night I took my best friend with me to a church that I used to attend. One that I went to for 16 years before I started attending Agora.

It was very much the same in some areas, but much more conservative. My best friend and I were wearing street clothes, definitely stood out among the crowd. It started off with the traditional singing and songs, which I actually enjoyed. It was after the singing where it went downhill.

The pastor started to show a video about how evil bi-sexuals are and how different they are from the rest of the people and that Christians need to tell them what they're doing is wrong in order to save them. Made me SO angry. Then, this youth pastor that used to work there told my best friend that she needed to wear a different shirt next time that she came into the church. I looked at him with the most hateful look I could muster and told him to stop it, that I was basically wearing a similar shirt and that it was acceptable! He responded just as hatefully with a resounding no.

We were still listening to the sermon when my best friend got up and went to one of the elders, one of the most esteemed (whom I dearly adore...for real!), knelt down and said "Why is it that you look so real, so less commercialized". She said, "My dear I shall tell you later" as she smiled.

Then another video came on that warned Christians that if they attack and attack that they will eventually not have their own foundation to return to. It was a cannon ball that was shooting random balls and one of the random balls destroyed a Christian home town. That was the only good thing about the entire dream lol...if you call it good.

So, finally, after being uncomfortable with everything from the moment we stepped in, I told my best friend that we were leaving. In the middle of everything...even if we were sitting in the front two rows. And we did, we got up and watched as everyone stared as we left.

We walked to her new car and drove out immediately, stopped at a dive gas station/bar where women were puking and drunk. Very unsanitary.

And then I woke up. So will someone tell me what that was all about?? Any interpretation will suffice! :)

2010-03-18T23:09:00.002-05:00

Mom had a panic attack today. Haley woke me up and told me that she was puking downstairs and that she needed my help. By the time I got down there she was already finished. White, pale, sweaty and shaky. Yep, panic attack. I hate those - I personally almost had about 5 last September so not fun.

She had an interview today - which probably brought on the anxiety. That and her past manager telling her all of the things that she must remember if she wants to be considered for the job. Yea, no pressure there! So, poor thing...I gave her some breathing techniques that I used that immediately calmed me down so much so that I stopped the panic attacks before they progressed into "full blown" panic attacks.

So, I have a side note. Hopefully my family doesn't read this cause this is going to be -- not a rant per se -- but a comment. Last Sunday my aunt, my mom, my sister and I went to visit my grandma in the nursing home. We were all sitting around talking by the fountain and my aunt says that their brother told her that my mom has "made so much money of the years that she must have a million dollars saved up somewhere. There's no need to worry". My mom says, "I hope to goodness that he was joking". Eloda says "No, he was serious. So, in all seriousness, are you a millionaire? Because I've been telling people, yea my sister's a millionaire" (laughs).

HELL NO. We are not millionaires...not EVEN close. It has been like this since I was little....as far back as I can remember. For some odd reason, I don't know why, but Erin and Argel seem to have it in their minds that my family is really really rich and can afford anything on the planet. Erin has always talked about how much money my family has and how rich we are, very negatively, like we owe them something that we are a bunch of snotty stuck-up people. Yes, ok, compared to people in other parts of the US living on welfare and those that barely make minimum wage, etc etc, yes we are immensely blessed. But, definitely not because we're millionaires. That's ridiculous! I don't understand.

It filters down as a part of the ridicule and judgment that they put on my mom, like she's not really a part of the family, like she's the black sheep, the outcast. She can never be one of them...why? Because she's the only one that went to college? Or because she "received" less beatings from their father (which is so not true). Or because of this....Or because of this....It's never gonna change. They will always have an excuse.

Well, let me just tell you - she paid for every bit of her education herself. She didn't have any help from her parents. So if she is successful, it is because of the hard work that she has done. Not because of anyone else. And, I am one proud daughter of a mother who has worked so hard and has such integrity.

Ok, that's enough commentary on the subject. It's never gonna change and I'm not gonna let it affect me and the decisions I make. They have every right to have the feelings and the beliefs that I do so I'm not gonna try to change them. Besides, no amount of talking or explaining will ever change their minds.

Randomness

2010-03-16T22:07:00.002-05:00

Watching my dog lick his nose...why? Is there snot up in there? It's getting annoying.

Anyway, my mom's two interviews today were productive but did not lead to anything other than the fact that TU will not hire her unless she has a doctorate. She can't even teach as an associate or assistant professor because of the school's budget crunch during these "hard economic times". So, she's actually thinking about getting her doctorate! Might be exciting for her! We'll see! Meanwhile, she's still applying for jobs elsewhere.

I am so weak and tired right now. I worked until 12:30, went and picked up my music from TCC for the Signature's March 27th concert, rode the bike with Buddy and Haley, then rode the bike with just Haley, climbed two stories today of steps....does that seem like a lot? NO?

...I know it's not. I'm beginning to sound pathetic LOL. O well :) I'm going to try and get motivated and do some work for this project that's due a week from today. Wish me luck!

Damn Bird

2010-03-08T22:47:00.002-06:00

It started with a bird.

The other night a small nuthatch bird flew into our house when my sister opened the front door. The bird, which nests in the wreath on the front door, instead of flying out into the night air flew right into the house. I heard Haley scream, then laugh. Then scream again. I ran downstairs and saw her covering her head with her hands. She said that there was a bird in the house. It took my dad, my mom and me about ten minutes to coax the bird close enough to the door -- it finally flew out.

My mom said "If my mom were hear she would freeeak out". I asked why? She responded by saying that it is bad luck to have a bird fly in the house.

That was a Thursday evening. By next Monday my mom had been one of the 2500 employees let go from IBM in a "resource action plan".

Saturday, my mom had her yearly mammogram. Today, she received a call from the health group telling her that they would like to perform more tests, possibly an ultrasound, and that the radiologist would be there to read the results before she left.

My mom, stifling tears and swallowing back cries, looked at me and said, "I don't know if I can handle anymore". And I don't blame her...I don't think she can. I pray, pray very hard, that it's nothing. No sense in freaking out now before the results.

With Haley's meltdown today and my mom's immense stress I am emotionally spent! So when you ask me how I am doing -- I will rightly respond with "Hanging in there".

So, be warned. If you ever have a bird fly into your house -- watch out and start praying HARD because things might get messy and get messy quick.

Flyin' High

2010-03-01T10:59:00.003-06:00

Today has been an awesome day, and I've only been up for an hour haha!

I got on my OU e-mail account to find that my professor really enjoyed having me in class and would like for me to contact her this summer for a GA position. She also wants to use my paper as a "good example" to show one of her students. That was awesome! :)

Then, I received a phone call from an employee at OU that got my contact information through a professor and asked if I was still interested in being a student research assistant for a new project at OU. Research is something I will definitely need for my future plans.

So, needless to say, I'm thrilled. She's going to give my name to her committee and call me back today or tomorrow with the news of my acceptance into the program.

Now, I have to go write a short paper for class tonight -- will this weigh me down, I think not! Flyin' high!!

2010-02-22T21:43:00.002-06:00

Ooooo. Something within me just churns and stirs. The hairs on my back stand up, my teeth visibly scowling, and my nails come out ready to attack when someone says or does something that hurts my baby sister. As her older sister, how I wish that I could step in there for her and fend off the hurtful words, absorb the insults and unfair treatment, act as a protective shield that will keep her from ever feeling the way she felt today when she came home from school.

It's hurtful when a stranger approaches and says something snotty and biting. But, you can shake it off and move on. It's even more hurtful when that someone is a teacher, a mentor, someone that you have trusted and that you look up to for guidance and help.

But, I can't do that for her. I won't be there with her all of the time...eventually she has to learn to cope and to choose when and how to respond to such acts. I can give her all of the advice in the world, but in the end it's up to her.

2010-02-14T21:59:00.001-06:00

Damn it. Why do I punish myself and watch a romantic comedy on V day...just to leave me crying.

2010-01-28T23:37:00.003-06:00

I don't know why. Maybe it's the snow, or maybe because it's a Thursday and it's my day off...but I am itching to get out of this house and do something. Today, I have watched TV, took an hour long hot bath, read on my nook, wrote in my diary, downloaded songs to my iTunes, ate lunch and dinner, and played around on the computer. I realize that to everyone else, through their eyes this seems like heaven. But, in mine, I need action...I need interaction.

Sitting here watching Stomp the Yard on TBS for the second time today, it just hit me. A jolt of energy. I want to LIVE!!! I want my first kiss -- and NOW thank you very much. I want to feel a man's arms around me, holding me tight even for just one second. I want to look in a man's eyes and see love looking back. I want to make a difference in someone's life including mine. I want good friends and relationships. I want a life outside of this house and outside of school and outside of work. And I want it to start now.

I want to be more like my friend who says what's on her mind, sometimes bluntly, but always honestly. Who has this boundary thing down pat and has this respect about her and self love that just oozes out. She knows who she is, has confidence in herself and respects others as well. That's what I want to emulate. I know that I probably will NEVER be able to say what's on my mind with that amount of confidence. Nor do I really want to do it that bluntly. But, to be able to say what I think, in a reasonable way, would be freeing. So, I've decided and that's what I'm gonna do.

2010-01-26T00:03:00.003-06:00

I'm watching the Bachelor on my DVR. I'm a little shocked and disappointed at some of the girls. One thing I have learned from watching these man seasons is that if you want to get sent home faster than anything, to talk about another girl in the house.

Ganging up on another girl, calling her names, and worrying about her does not say anything about you as a person. It says that you are insecure. Why worry about someone else, when you can be focusing on the guy. Also, so early in a dating relationship, I have learned, that it's not who the person is that attracts the girl to the guy. It is how she makes him feel.

These girls keep on saying, if he knew who she really is, what kind of person she really is...etc. That's not the point to him right now. Yes, girls think this way. To us it is logical. But, it's different for a guy.

And to think that you are going to change his mind by "talking" him out of it...is ludicrous. Saying that you are going to have a serious talk with him about this will not do anything. If anything, he is more curious and wonders why these women are talking negatively about her. He wonders, could this be mere jealousy?

I'm not saying that Vienna is perfect. She's far from it. But, so are those others girls too. And to call her out and single her out is hypocritical to me.

I don't know why but it just upsets me. Maybe because I'm a good catch and I don't have a guy and I see women messing it up for themselves on national television by acting like insecure 10th graders. It's sad.

one tiny step back...two large steps forward

2010-01-23T00:48:00.002-06:00

Today was my first class in a classroom setting since last May when I graduated. So needless to say...I felt the tiny tinglings of a panic attack and squelched it at the get go. I mean at the beginning!! So...no panic attack! Yay! I'm proud of myself for that.

But, I felt like I was back in the old Kelsy. I was nervous and ADD because I was so self-conscious that my thoughts weren't about what the instructor was saying, but were about me and how I felt and how I looked, etc. Then, the CUTEST guy in the class chooses to sit next to me! Tries to flirt with me and I lose my cool. I reverted right back...the nervous smile and nod. The soft giggles when I don't know how to respond. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??? Why did I go back!! All the time I'm thinking, this isn't me anymore...I don't do this. I'm smart, sexy, confident and improving! But, I guess I went back because it's more comfortable there or something.

The good thing is that this was a learning experience for me. I know now that in novel situations I may have a tendency to turn back into the other Kelsy and I have to give myself a pep talk or do something to prevent this. I'll keep myself, and others I guess, updated. We'll see how tomorrow goes -- I'll be in class from 9-5 :/

2010-01-08T23:09:00.003-06:00

For those friends of mine, and myself, who have anxiety issues or panic disorders...this post is for you.

I am reading a book titled Change Your Brain Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel G. Amen. Very interested read so far and I recommend that everyone read it. Dr. Amen is a psychiatrist and performs SPECT scans on patients to see the functioning of their brains. His research and findings along with helpful recommendations are all found in this book.

So, anyway, I thought I would share some quotes with you that struck me. Dealing with anxiety myself, I was first surprised that it has a biological component. It is called the basal ganglia in the brain. When this area is over active it can sometimes lead to ADD, OCD, or anxiety disorders. In this particular chapter, Dr. Amen "prescribes" some relaxation techniques to help people cope.

I'm not going to write them all here, but just a few. The first is a breathing technique. Many times when people experience panic or fear, they begin to have much shallower and quicker breathing which leads to inefficient oxygen and an overproduction of carbon dioxide in the brain. So, Dr. Amen and my therapist simply say to take deep breaths from the belly. My therapist gave me a technique that I like to cal 4+4=8. Take a breath in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and release through pursed lips for eight seconds. I like to do this while listening to music personally. This is magic to me because most people will not even notice that you are doing it. When I release in that 8 count, I can literally feel my body relax. It's great.

To quote Dr. Amen, "shifting the center of breathing lower in your body will help you feel more relaxed and in better control of yourself. Practice this diaphragmatic breathing for five to ten minutes a day to settle down your basal ganglia".

The other techniques mentioned have to do with killing automatic negative thoughts, guiding imagery, self hypnosis, and others.

The main breakthrough for me while reading this is that I can change my brain chemistry. That at some level within me, my "problems" if you will, are caused by my brain. Some of it is mental, some of it is physical. And that physicality lets me know that I can change it if I want to. So, here's to good reading!

2010-01-03T22:05:00.002-06:00

I worked out at the YMCA today! Did two circuits on the weight machines while my mom went through her orientation. It felt good to finally work out and do something to improve my health! I'm going to try and go tomorrow and do some cardio!

I went on a date for the first time two nights ago with a really nice guy! It went well -- I met him through a friend. So we'll see if that develops into anything...we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night sometime.

My mom's birthday was today! She turned 51...I feel bad that it was low key but I think she still had a good day. Lunch at Olive Garden, dinner at Applebee's, and some fun in between lol.

Anyway, I will be enjoying my day off tomorrow! Adios

2009-12-20T23:30:00.002-06:00

Just feel like posting...without anything really on my mind or anything to say.

I start next semester on January 19th and I'm so thankful for the time off. Every one of my classes next semester will be at the University so I'm excited to interact with others and make some new friends! :)

I'm also excited for Christmas. I have heard Christas songs continuously since Nov. 1st and I'm ready for them to stop! Haha. It actually takes me out of the Christmas mood for a bit. Last year I couldn't WAIT to watch the movies--every single one I know. This year it's the opposite. O well.

So I did a lot of firsts this past week!!! I joined the YMCA so I can start going to the gym on a regular basis. No contract plus free classes so I'm excited! :) Then I joined the music union -- the local 94. They're still processing my app so I can't log on and put my name out there. But soon I hope! Then I went tanning for the first time. I know, not healthy for you. But, my therapist told me that it helps if you have SAD, which most likely affects my mood during the winter. The light helps you feel less depressed so I gave it a try. I liked it! I'll only go during the winter tho and maybe only once a week. I haven't felt any effects so far, but we'll see if it helps. And then I went to the comedy club and got heckled by the comic LOL. It was hilarious!!! All fun.

So...one of my new year's resolutions is to get healthier - change my diet and work out routine slowly so it'll actually stick. That's the only one so far, but I'm sure I'll think of others.

2009-12-15T07:25:00.004-06:00

My dad prays for me. I never knew that. He's usually very vocal about religion and politics, but it's always generalized or criticizing someone else's point of view. He rarely speaks about what he believes.

Then last night after we had bought my mom's Christmas present together and I was telling him about what I plan on doing this week for fun, my dad says that he prayed for me.

Wow. That little sentence means so much to me. Now, I'm off to a good day!

2009-12-06T23:03:00.002-06:00

Just another little update on life...

So, Lexapro makes me have REALLY vivid dreams. Dreams so real that I wake up thinking that the things I dreamt about actually happened. It's really weird.

For example, the other day I was dreaming that I missed my haircut. The appointment was for 12:15pm and I saw myself on the couch pressing the snooze button too many times that I slept until 1pm. I looked at my clock, thinking I was awake, and seeing the time as 1pm and I even went to my mom and asked her what time it was. She said 1pm.

When I awoke at 9:45am (!) I was so sure that it was 1pm already. I ran into my mom's office and asked her if I had missed my haircut at 12:15 and she said, it's only 9:45! HAHA.

Well, lately I have been dreaming that my car gets stolen. It's shear panic. I run around the parking lots of wherever I am in my dream - school, college, Bartlesville Activity Center. And it's gone...completely missing. Each time I freak out and call my mom to come and pick me up. Then I wake up and realize that it's still there.

Haley, who's also on Lexapro, has vivid dreams also. We both talk in our sleep now, moan and cry. I woke up screaming for the first time in my life a few months ago. Freaked my mom out!

Anyway, moving on. Work has been going well. I am helping my boss come up with marketing ideas and plans. My dad has started working at his new job, which he absolutely hates. Everyday he comes home saying that the day went "terrible". I'm happy that he has a job though instead of just letting him go. He may start looking though so he's not so unhappy everyday. I don't blame him.

My grandma's house sold. She's now off Medicaid for now. I'm just so happy for my mom that that's over with.

So that's all I really have to say for now. I hope everyone has had a great Thanksgiving and I hope Christmas will be just as merry!

November 22

2009-11-22T13:22:00.004-06:00

Haven't been on here in a while. So I thought I'd update my blog.

The surgery went well. There were no complications and I'm still recovering nicely. My appendix was fine. Instead, I had abdominal adhesions that were suspending my colon and causing me problems. But, the appendix will never be a problem for me haha :)

School is going well. One paper, three observations and an interview down...one more paper and group project to go along with readings and such. It has been very interesting so far. I'm going to try and take twelve hours next semester while working part time and see if I can manage. I think I can...we'll see. Have to make up for the class that I had to drop this semester!

I took my mom to Maribeth with me. It was very emotional for her. She has been depressed for a long time and I feel her pain. It saddens me that she doesn't know who she is, what she likes, what she dislikes, what she can do for fun. She feels lost and like she is merely existing. I hope, hope, hope, that she will choose to get some help instead of going through the rest of her life completely miserable. Something that struck me while we were there was that Maribeth said, Kelsy your mom can choose to be as miserable as she wants. It is her choice, not yours. It is her right to be that way and you cannot fix it for her. That's so true -- it is a choice and I can't help. Sobering thoughts for me.

Anyway, I have been spending a lot of time with my friend Bailey and her sons. The newest, three weeks old, is my new Godson. He is so precious. Haley just adores him. And the oldest, 21 months, is such a good big brother already. He's always been such a cutey!

Other than that, I have been working at the flower shop and taking naps lol! I get so tired when I come home. I don't have enough stamina sometimes to stay awake and I'm just spent. Gotta get to the gym and start working out and switch to a healthier diet. I'm playing in the Handel's Messiah in Bartlesville on December 6th so those of you who are available to make the drive and like classical music should come and listen! It's gonna be good!

See you all later. Much love.

2009-10-18T21:35:00.002-05:00

Appendix is coming out on Thursday. Finally.

But, I have to drop out of one of my classes. That stinks. But, I'll keep insurance because it's a medical reason. I just hope I don't have to drop out of the other two classes.

2009-10-08T22:09:00.002-05:00

Life is ironic.

I have finally enrolled for classes at OU-Tulsa. Nine hours this fall which means I get to keep my current insurance, yay!! I'm so excited for the classes.

Then...I had my colonoscopy today. I craved food all day yesterday when I was fasting. Every type of food went through my mind. From rice cakes to goulash to sweet potatoes to pringles. Ah, everything.

The colonoscopy went well. They didn't find anything abnormal. They took some biopsies and I'll hear back soon. If the biopsies come back normal the next step is an appendectomy with a search into the surrounding abdomen to see if everything is ok.

This is the ironic part to me. I finally get enrolled for classes after a year of deciding, after seeking help from a life coach/therapist, after applying and waiting on the school's decision...now I am facing a possible and probable appendectomy which may end up making me miss the first weekend of a three weekend class which isn't acceptable. It's frustrating me...but I'm trying to remain positive.

Anyway, project runway's on. Hasta la vista.

2009-09-17T19:25:00.002-05:00

Do you ever think about how you go to where you are today? And then you have sooo many images and memories running through your head that you are overwhelmed. One word can inspire so many different thoughts.

Well when thinking about the depression and anxiety that I'm being treated for, holy moly where do I start? There are just so many factors. I think a lot of it is my reaction to my environment, my family and the culture that I grew up in. Slowly, your brain forms a pattern in the way it receives messages from these things and the pattern forms a habit. It's my job to re-wire those patterns and physically begin to think positive thoughts.

It's also interesting to compare my old self back in elementary school to the woman that I am today. I was so different and yet the same in so many ways. The once optimistic child is now a negative thinker. The once outgoing kid is now shy and restrained. The child that would rather be with adults during Christmas parties is still the same. The child that used to be taken advantage of is still here today.

What I've really come to terms with during my therapy is that...hey I'm normal. It's normal for a person in my position to be scared. It's normal for me to have ups and downs in my life and I'm responsible in the fact that I've reached out for help and I'm proud of that and wish others would do the same. I'm not some crazy messed up freak that I used to think I was...I'm just like you. It's so refreshing.

Since this blog is really for me and I could care less if people read this...I'm going to write down some of the things that my psychotherapist told me that still stand out to me while I'm here at home typing this.

First, I'll start with my first session with her when she said, most people in today's generation change careers every 7 years and change jobs every 2. Wow. That, woosh, took the pressure right off. If I don't like what I'm doing...I'll change it!

Second, your business degree that you used to think poorly of and feel guilty for is really a stepping stone in your journey that has gotten you to where you are today. Everything in life, then, could be a stepping stone.

Third, when we tell a child to put others before yourself, we are really trying to teach the young children that there are other people out there that have feelings just like us. When you get older, that same mantra doesn't really apply any longer. It is a mutual respect, instead. I respect myself and I respect you. Vice versa. It's about being assertive, not aggressive or passive or passive-aggressive.

And there are so many more moments, but I think I'll stop there. Just want to make sure I write them down somewhere so I'll never forget.

2009-09-13T19:44:00.002-05:00

So, today is my 23rd day of running a low grade fever. Fortunately most of the lower abdominal pain is gone now...but the fever remains. I am taking the same medicine that I used two weeks ago again and I hope it works this time otherwise a colonoscopy or something else might be in my future :/

So for my next counseling session on Thursday, I had to answer a few pages of questions asking me who I thought that I was. Who am I? It was an interesting introspective evening for me. I answered some questions that I didn't think I knew the answers to and surprised myself.

Here are a couple of my responses just for grins ---

1. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? When I see someone accomplish their dreams and do something absolutely beautiful I am inspired. Watching dance shows, for example, inspires me to do something creative. Listening to classical music inspires me to play my viola and contribute. I feel enlightened and motivated. When I see someone overcome something tremendous and succeed this also motivates me. Poetry does as well.

2. What are you interested in? What are you passionate about? What are you not interested in? What bores you? I am interested in the arts - dance, paintings, writing, music; helping the homeless, the environment, children less fortunate than me, breaking barriers and stereotypes, relationships, poetry, learning and self-improvement daily, accomplishments. I am bored when I have nothing to do and am alone at home watching the T.V.

3. How ambitious are you? What are your life ambitions? I would say that I am very ambitious. My life ambitions are to be an L.P.C. by 25 with a private practice by 30-35. I hope to adopt by 34. I want to learn ballroom dancing and compete, publish my own poetry, travel to Greece and Italy and learn a new language.

4. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? That I had a passion for life, that I lived my dreams and had fun and romance, great friends and family that supported me. I was a moral person who served my community and that I had impacted people's lives. That I was a kind and generous person to everyone I met.

When my mom read my responses, many of which were about family, she said that she was was not surprised by anything that I said about myself but felt that she knew her family better.

I'm still waiting on an acceptance/denial letter from OU-Tulsa for this semester. They are taking their sweet time. There's only 6 hours at OU-Tulsa that I can take this semester so I'm going to hope to find some classes at NSU or ORU. Hopefully they are still enrolling. Crossin my fingers!!

Work is going well. For the first 6 days or so of work, I didn't know if my body could take much more. There's so much lifting of heavy objects, standing on your feet, cutting a lot of new flowers, just a lot of labor. It's different than I thought it would be. I would leave with my hair curled because of the tremendous amount of sweat pouring from my face and with my entire body shaking. BUT, now I'm used to it. I'm sweating less, no more shaking, and I've lost about 2.5% BMI already! It's like exercising 6 hours a day! Hah! Also, yesterday, I got to do many more arrangements which is always fun. It allows me to express my creativity! And flowers are always pretty and welcoming. I actually dreamed about flowers last night! Flowers flowers everywhere.

Anyway, that's my life right now. Just a little update.

2009-08-29T20:09:00.003-05:00

Well, my body just doesn't like me. But, I am very thankful for the body I have!

I've run a low grade fever for the last eight days with achy pains on my lower right abdomen everyday. Was officially a UTI...took the medicine (still taking it) and still have all the same symptoms.

And after two days of tests, hours spent at the hospital and springer clinic...what have they found out?

Appendicitis? No. Kidney stones? No. White blood cell count is on an upward trend (I look like a pincushion...blood drawn for three days two days in a row now with multiple sticks) and my sedimentation level is elevated (meaning I have something inflamed somewhere in my body and my body is fighting some infection I guess). Cancer? No. Cyst on the ovary? No.

Why is it that I always have something medical related that is mysterious? Just a question. I'm not being cynical, just serious. After a year of tests and hours spent doing them, the stress of that all, they still don't know why my potassium drops suddenly and I almost pass out. And now I get to add this to the list.

I've discovered that sometimes there just isn't an answer. But, o would I like one.

-K

2009-08-15T00:24:00.003-05:00

This isn't about political affiliations - conservative vs. liberal.

I for one am just appalled by our president.

I may not be the smartest person in the world...but when the presidential candidate promises that a person's taxes will not increase by one single DIME during his campain and then changes his mind after he is elected portrays and is nothing BUT a liar.

I also think that when a president has a website that requests that people TURN IN their neighbors and friends and naysayers of the new health care reform that he is implying that there is only ONE correct point of view and that it is his. That is ridiculous. *Correction* There was a website extension on a government website that requested that anyone report any misinformation that was being used or said so that the administration could seek to correct this information. That website, I believe, is no longer available. *Correction*

When the president HOUNDS the congress and says that this bill WILL be passed with sensibility, he is overstepping his power as the EXECUTIVE branch. What happened to checks and balances?

And when the president "denounces" the emphasis of the media on the rambunctious town hall meetings and the uproar that has ensued, he is "denouncing" our right of freedom of the press as a citizen of the United States.

When did my country start becoming a socialist nation?

Quarter Life Crisis

2009-08-11T00:16:00.004-05:00

Yes, the above title is true. According to my life coach, yes life coach, I am going through a quarter life crisis.

I am going to a life coach in Tulsa who is going to help me discover what it is that I'm passionate about, what I hate, what I love, what I'm good at, what I suck at, etc. It's going to be exciting! I am going to a 2-day aptitude testing in Dallas, TX soon (hopefully before my school starts in 2 weeks). My mom is going to accompany me, most likely. Should give me lots of information and detail!

I have changed my mind again for the billionth time! I am now a psychology major...I'm going back for a second degree and I'll graduate in May 2010. I'm only about 24 hours away from another degree in psychology so while I'm going to this life coach I figured that I should do something productive. Fortunately, I changed my classes from pre-med prerequisite classes before I took them and hated them. Unfortunately, I am stuck with a few lab manuals that I cannot return.

Did you know that 80% of your feeling cells are in your stomach?? Only 20% are in your head. Wow! I never knew that! But, now it definitely explains why I have so many stomach issues!

My life coach is also a psychotherapist and I can definitely say that I'm ready to be happy! I'm usually too embarassed to talk about this stuff, but I really hope that the therapy will help and I believe it will. And, that's all I'm going to say about that!

I'm enjoying the thunderstormy weather. When I was driving to Drug Warehouse earlier it was VERY windy...things were flying across the street! The outside temperature fell about 6 degrees in 10 minutes! Very weird.

O, on a side note, I think my car may be haunted for some reason. Either that or people keep getting in my car after I've locked it. I had my rearview mirror set so that I could see the street behind me. My sister and I parked at Drug Warehouse last week, I locked the car. We came back and the rearview mirror was on nightvision and was pointed down at Haley's seat so I could look into her eye's while she's sitting next to me. Neither Haley or I moved the mirror when we got in and out. It happened again today at TU. It wasn't on nightvision this time (which is manual btw), but it was pointed down slightly at Haley's seat. If I was hitting it with my purse it would knock it down towards my seat. SO...I don't really know what to make of this phenomenon but I definitely can't explain it. Haley was pretty freaked out poor thing! HAHA.

Ok, now that I've spooked myself all over again, I'm going to try and get some sound sleep! Tomorrow I meet with another advisor at TU to look over my new set of psychology classes, make sure I can get this second degree...and then I can finally buy the books! Then I'll be set...I have my parking permit, my new ID, I turned in my financial aid app. Almost set for school in two weeks! I'm kinda excited.

Well, Good Night and Signing Off.

My History

2009-07-24T15:45:00.002-05:00

My mom was doing a little cleaning yesterday in her room, going through her drawers and putting things into "keep" and "donate" piles.

She stumbled across the geneology books from her mom and dad and we opened them back up to take a look. It had been almost 4 years or so since we had last seen them.

I found out that I am definitely a heinz 57 of a human, a mutt! But, not in the negative sense of the word.

From my grandma's side I am: German, Italian, Swiss, French and English.
From my grandpa's side I am: Dutch, English, Irish, German, and French.

Not to mention that my great great grandmother on my dad's side was full blood Chickasaw Indian as well as their, no doubt, multicultural background.

So, yes I have many different origins and cultures in my family history from a civil war 145th regiment soldier to a lord mayor in England, a relative that was alive when King Edward I was in reign, to the first descendants that landed in Pennsylvania and New Jersey, to a Van Winkle that owned the original War Eagle mill in Arkansas and most of the county.

It was an interesting look back at history, a nostalgic afternoon.

July Post

2009-07-18T01:15:00.002-05:00

I have enrolled for classes for this fall semester at TU. I am just taking 12 hours! Which will be so different from the 17 I used to take. What will I do with my time??

I think I have decided to pursue medical school...despite the stupid threatening health care reform. It was what I originally wanted to do when I graduated from high school. I've just changed my mind so many times...lost myself a little bit. It's also an extended "make up your mind" time...if I go into these bio and chem classes and absolutely hate them...well, then I haven't really lost much. It's basically what I would be doing if I didn't take the AP classes so I'm pumped.

So...in a caddy moment...I looked up some of my old crushes on facebook from high school and one from college tonight. They are almost ALL single or ugly now! YAY! HAHAHAHAHA I love it. I think I will LOVE going to my ten year high school reunion and seeing all of the popular people with wrinkles, fat and old. Makes my night! Ah.

My birthday is in two days! The 20th! I will be 21! I'm excited! I'm not 100% sure what I'll be doing...but I know that I'm going out on my birthday and that next weekend as well. I plan on having a good time! ;)

Also, I officially do not have an ulcer. They did an EGD two days ago and there's no hole in my stomach causing me ulcer-like pains. Instead, I have bile in my stomach...which my gastro thinks causes the pain instead. I just hope he's right and that this new medicine will make the pain go away. He told me that with all of my stomach problems, I need to be on prozac! LOL....he's so right. I plan on getting me some good drugs soon! :-)

Anyway, George of the Jungle is on...I'm gonna go watch it or go to sleep. Night ya'll.

The June Post

2009-06-18T12:12:00.003-05:00

It's been almost a month since my last blog...I just haven't had anything to talk about. I doubt that this blog will have any substance either.

My summer so far has been pretty good! I have been hanging out with Bailey, Naida, Kristi, Shea and Allison so far and hope to hang out more! Somehow I've gotten my sleep schedule messed up to where I now go to sleep around 3am and wake up around 11:30am. Kinda sucks because I hate feeling like I'm sleeping away the day...but then again I have absolutely nothing to do and if I woke up early I'd be bored so it's a catch-22.

I swam yesterday for about 30 minutes and the acne medicine that I'm on is really making me tan! For the first time in my life I'm tanning instead of burning! It's a true triumph.

Bailey, her husband, his friend Adam and I are going to see Michael Winslow at the Loony Bin this coming Monday. I'm really excited! I love the Loony Bin and live comedy. Winslow can make over 1000 sound effects with his voice/mouth and he was on Police Academy...although most people have no idea who I am talking about until I mention that he was on the Geico commercial. Then people go "OOOOO yea, I know who you're talking about!" haha.

Haley is away at Quartz mountain for another week and three days. I don't think she's liking it like she hoped. She hasn't been feeling well lately and the power and A/C went off at the site and she had to practice for three hours without air conditioning...that would SUCK! Her roommates don't like her because she is making them leave the A/C on while they sleep (the first night someone turned it off and she woke up sweating...not to mention it's four to a room, two to a bed!). She keeps texting my mom also...I bet if she'd stop she'd be giving it more of a chance...she's just really homesick poor thing. At this age I went off for five weeks to Eastern Music Festival and although I was homesick for the first three days, I LOVED it for the rest of the time! I didn't want to leave! Differences in personalities I guess.

I have been playing a lot of Wii Golf with Bailey, her husband and Adam and it's fun! I've never played the Wii before. The first time, I kicked their asses haha. Felt good! Now, not so much.

I posted my resume on Monster.com and I have received three hits...two emails and one company called me twice yesterday (home and cell). So, that's always good. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for those of you who are wondering (me).

Well, I better go start my day. Adios!

AI

2009-05-21T00:23:00.005-05:00

Wow! American Idol. I remember in high school that watching American Idol used to be so uncool. No one wanted to admit to watching it even though there were many closet watchers, myself included.

The show has literally STUNNED me this year. Wow! I can't get over the finale tonight. The pure talent of the two people left. It's almost like last year's Davids showdown, but better! And what a finale!! Cyndi Lauper, Kiss, Rod Stewart, Keith Urban, Queen Latifah, Black Eyed Peas and Fergie, Lionel Richie, Queen, Steve Martin, Carlos Santana, Jason Mraz...am I forgetting anyone? Good lord!!! I would love to go to a concert like that!

I have to say, I wanted Adam to win. But, I know that he's still going to be a star and I can't wait. I'll be in the front row! He is not only a master singer...master. singer. by DEFINITION. He has EVERY note in tune and at the perfect volume. He is a musician. He goes beyond the music. He goes beyond the notes and he moves you. The way he phrases his songs...it's exactly what I would do if I was playing it on the viola. It was, to put it like the judges said all season, fucking brilliant! Every note was a pearl as my viola teacher used to say. Every song was a masterpiece.

And Kris, what a sweetheart. Received the title of American Idol and immediately says that he thinks Adam deserves it! Truly seems like a great guy! He had some great vocals also...depending on the song. Some songs, yea he was a little out of tune. But, if he finds his niche and finds music that fits him (and luckily for him it's current music), he'll be utterly fabulous!! I could totally see him doing a song like One Republic's Apologize in the future!

So, I have to say, tonight there were no losers. There were NO losers. Both of them won in my book. I want to go see BOTH of them! They both, I don't know, excite me because they remind us what great music is all about!!!! Gosh! Good show!

Life

2009-05-16T16:38:00.005-05:00

I bought a new bike today with the money that I received from graduation! Yay!! And Haley also got one so I'm hoping that Haley and I (and maybe my dad too) will spend many days riding our bikes along the trails.

Also, my mom and I signed up for WeightWatchers this afternoon. And I'm thinking next weekend or sometime this week we're going to go and sign up at the YMCA. My friend has a membership there and really likes it. It's $40 a month (for an individual) and most of the classes are free !!! Always a good thing! I also signed up for Sevillanas dance lessons this summer with a friend!

We're trying to finally get healthy and I need to be healthy! Hopefully we'll be successful this go 'round! I figure that since I've graduated maybe I'll have more time to devote!

Bitches and heels

2009-05-08T23:29:00.002-05:00

So, I'm reading this book called Something Blue...it's in a series by Emily Giffin. They're really good. Personally I liked the first one better...Something Borrowed.

Well the antagonist of the last book is the protagonist in this one and I almost can't read it I hate her that much. And I'm about 150 pages in so it'd better pick up fast! It's an easy and entertaining read...but I want to reach through the pages and kill this character (or at least slap her in the face!)

Seriously, last night I had a dream that I was really angry at this very pretty woman. I stood up for myself and was screaming at the top of my lungs "Why not? Why not??". And, I had on beautiful pointy three inch heels and I was literally stomping on her beautiful face. Stomping the hell out of it and she wouldn't bleed. I was kicking her with the points and she would just look up at me horrified. No matter what I did and no matter how hard I stomped she remained the same. I even took my three inch heel and raked it across her lips trying to tear them! Nothing, no effect. I was SO angry with her though for some reason. I woke up though before anything else happened.

Haha, and I think it partly was due to the book. Some other drama stuff too going on lately, but mostly the book.

And, I graduate in less than 10.5 hours! So I'm going to try and get some sleep!

Decisions

2009-05-04T23:29:00.002-05:00

I have basically chosen physical therapy. A few weeks ago, I thought that I had finally decided on psychology. I realized though that even though one night I had chosen pschology, the next day I was thinking physical therapy and vice versa.

The reason I have chosen physical therapy for now is because I don't think that I would be able to mentally and emotionally care for psychological patients. While I love the field, I believe that I would begin to internalize the patient's issues which would lead to burnout and maybe my own emotional problems. I mean, just sitting through my abnormal psych class this semester gave me stomach problems toward the end of each class...I don't know if it was just the time of day but I think it was more related to a nervous stomach.

I do realize that physical therapy does include a little psychology to be able to work with clients who are in pain physically as well as emotionally and I think that's a good thing! I won't totally give up the psychology part. But, for now I think that PT suits my personality better. Also, if I take the prerequisites for one semester and decide I don't like...then I'll just change. Bottom line is that I'm not boxed in. Of course I would LOVE to be 100% for sure...but I'm still giving myself other options as well.

So that's where I'm at! And I graduate in 5 days!!

Pictures

2009-04-28T17:14:00.020-05:00

Greece.

I want to live here (above), so what do I need to do to make that happen? What job do I need to take? What do I need to stud? Where do I study Greek?

That is simply gorgeous! Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous!! Greece.

Greece.

Seals in San Francisco! Gotta love it! haha

I've seen this dock...this is on fisherman's wharf in San Francisco.

Beautiful sunrise!

Another gorgeous sunrise!

Sunrise in the snow. ahh!!

Awesome sunrise!

Every once in a while, I like to look up pretty pictures to make me happy. Here's some I found today.

Britian's Got Talent

2009-04-27T16:26:00.003-05:00

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/realityrocks/162078/lungs-of-steel-meet-the-newest-britains-got-talent-sensation/ Go check out this little 10 year old girl! Her last note sounds like Julie Andrews it's amazing!! Wow! I thought that Susan Boyle was just ok in my opinion, Shaheen was really good, and Hollie is great!!

The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler

2009-04-20T12:42:00.003-05:00

So I watched "The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler" last night on CBS. If you want to know more about her look at one of my previous posts -- I guess this should be a part 2 haha.

O my gosh, I cried through the whole last half of the movie. Here is someone that I believe is a true hero. Someone that, even after saving 2500 children and risking her own life (and almost losing it) said I wish I could have saved more. Wow.

She is the embodiment of who I want to be. She was Jesus to those little children who desperately needed saving, those Jewish mothers and fathers that could barely give them up, and those Polish families that graciously took them in. Those people know what God's love is because she loved them. She didn't try to convert them to Christianity, she didn't try to pick the prettiest Jewish child, she didn't have them pass a test first...she just loved them and stepped up to help when no one else would. How many times did I hear her say last night "I love you and I will never stop loving you" and how many times did a child say back to her "I love you". What a beautiful beautiful thing!!! She inspires me and I hope that I can somehow make a difference as well.

Strikes

2009-04-19T22:20:00.001-05:00

Israel stands ready to bomb Iran's nuclear sites
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Sheera Frenkel in Jerusalem
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The Israeli military is preparing itself to launch a massive aerial assault on Iran's nuclear facilities within days of being given the go-ahead by its new government.
Among the steps taken to ready Israeli forces for what would be a risky raid requiring pinpoint aerial strikes are the acquisition of three Airborne Warning and Control (AWAC) aircraft and regional missions to simulate the attack.
Two nationwide civil defence drills will help to prepare the public for the retaliation that Israel could face.
“Israel wants to know that if its forces were given the green light they could strike at Iran in a matter of days, even hours. They are making preparations on every level for this eventuality. The message to Iran is that the threat is not just words,” one senior defence official told The Times.
Related Links
ANALYSIS: Same facts, different viewpoints
Iran opens first nuclear fuel production facility
Only Obama can save Iran from Israel
Officials believe that Israel could be required to hit more than a dozen targets, including moving convoys. The sites include Natanz, where thousands of centrifuges produce enriched uranium; Esfahan, where 250 tonnes of gas is stored in tunnels; and Arak, where a heavy water reactor produces plutonium.
The distance from Israel to at least one of the sites is more than 870 miles, a distance that the Israeli force practised covering in a training exercise last year that involved F15 and F16 jets, helicopters and refuelling tankers.
The possible Israeli strike on Iran has drawn comparisons to its attack on the Osirak nuclear facility near Baghdad in 1981. That strike, which destroyed the facility in under 100 seconds, was completed without Israeli losses and checked Iraqi ambitions for a nuclear weapons programme.
“We would not make the threat [against Iran] without the force to back it. There has been a recent move, a number of on-the-ground preparations, that indicate Israel's willingness to act,” said another official from Israel's intelligence community.
He added that it was unlikely that Israel would carry out the attack without receiving at least tacit approval from America, which has struck a more reconciliatory tone in dealing with Iran under its new administration.
An Israeli attack on Iran would entail flying over Jordanian and Iraqi airspace, where US forces have a strong presence.
Ephraim Kam, the deputy director of the Institute for National Security Studies, said it was unlikely that the Americans would approve an attack.
“The American defence establishment is unsure that the operation will be successful. And the results of the operation would only delay Iran's programme by two to four years,” he said.
A visit by President Obama to Israel in June is expected to coincide with the national elections in Iran — timing that would allow the US Administration to re-evaluate diplomatic resolutions with Iran before hearing the Israeli position.
“Many of the leaks or statements made by Israeli leaders and military commanders are meant for deterrence. The message is that if [the international community] is unable to solve the problem they need to take into account that we will solve it our way,” Mr Kam said.
Among recent preparations by the airforce was the Israeli attack of a weapons convoy in Sudan bound for militants in the Gaza Strip.
“Sudan was practice for the Israeli forces on a long-range attack,” Ronen Bergman, the author of The Secret War with Iran, said. “They wanted to see how they handled the transfer of information, hitting a moving target ... In that sense it was a rehearsal.”
Israel has made public its intention to hold the largest-ever nationwide drill next month.
Colonel Hilik Sofer told Haaretz, a daily Israeli newspaper, that the drill would “train for a reality in which during war missiles can fall on any part of the country without warning ... We want the citizens to understand that war can happen tomorrow morning”.
Israel will conduct an exercise with US forces to test the ability of Arrow, its US-funded missile defence system. The exercise would test whether the system could intercept missiles launched at Israel.
“Israel has made it clear that it will not tolerate the threat of a nuclear Iran. According to Israeli Intelligence they will have the bomb within two years ... Once they have a bomb it will be too late, and Israel will have no choice to strike — with or without America,” an official from the Israeli Defence Ministry said.

Here is where I found this article: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/middle_east/article6115903.ece

Pretty scary eh? What are your thoughts?

Procrastination

2009-04-12T22:30:00.004-05:00

Well, I haven't written a blog for a while...I feel like I'm due for one. But, I just honestly do not know what to discuss. My life is pretty boring and predictable, especially lately. I wish that I had something profound to discuss, but I don't. So, this is going to be more about my career search.

Today at Agora we talked about procrastination. And Judy's comment stuck with me because it is exactly how I am approaching my post-graduation plans. I am letting time make the decision for me, even though I know I shouldn't.

I know, you're thinking another blog about this topic? Sheesh! But, it's what has been on my mind recently. It's not like I have been sitting by and not doing anything. I have been searching for jobs online all the time! I have gone to the job fair. I have been researching careers on O*Net and industry specific websites almost daily (however, I'm slowing down because it just makes me more nervous and depressed). I've been researching schools for psychology and physical therapy because I think I've narrowed it down to those two. So, I have done a lot of work! And I am still no where.

I am planning on talking to OU sometime tomorrow to ask them if I can enroll in prerequisites and if I could take the classes at OU Tulsa. And I'm shadowing a child psychologist who is my best friend's mother on Tuesday. So, that may give me even more insight. If I can't make a decision then, well...

I do know that I want to help people. It may not seem like it, but if there's anything that I'm passionate about it's helping people (and my hair) . I'm just REALLY shy, so it's kinda hard for me to get started. So, I wouldn't be surprised if you read this and go, "What?" haha.

I also know that part of the reason why I'm waiting to decide is that I'm hoping that God will give me a clue, some answer to what I've been asking now for three years -- and yet he is still silent (or I have just been too self-absorbed to notice a response). I still hope that He'll give me an answer, but what if His answer is just pick one already? So, I may have to decide on my own, and if that's the case I have 27 days in which to do it!!

Well, I'm off to do some last minute school work!

A True Hero: Irena Sendler

2009-03-31T23:39:00.004-05:00

Irena Sendler was a true hero. How she lost to Al Gore...well its a travesty.

"Every child saved with my help is the justification of my existence on this Earth, and not a title to glory" Irena Sendler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVw1PANUcdg&feature=related (video)

http://www.auschwitz.dk/Sendler.htm

Job 42:7

2009-03-21T01:41:00.005-05:00

I had a discussion with a friend earlier tonight about whether or not God causes pain, punishment, and generally bad things to happen or whether or not he lets things happen. It was basically about one of the Christian Science beliefs which states: "No. Christian Science does not involve pleading with God to heal the sick and then accepting His will, good or bad. Nothing in Christian Science theology says it’s God’s will that anyone suffer, be sick, or die. Christian Science shows God to be entirely good, and therefore His will for each individual is only health and life."

This caused me to look back at Job and what my professor had once taught us in my religion class while at TCU. Particularly the verse Job 42:7.

Here's my professors reasoning. During that time, pain and punishment was built on the principle of "retributive theology" that God rewards the righteous and punishes the wicked, period. But Job seems to be the opposite.

First of all, beginning in Job 1:1 God refers to Job as perfect and upright, blameless and righteous. That there is no one like him in all the earth. That he avoids evil and that he has seven sons, three daughters and he is the "greatest of all the men in the east" so he's wealthy.

Then satan enters heaven..."satan's", my professor believes, role is to find the righteous and bring their name to God so that God could test them. Not so sure about this particular reasoning, although it does say in Job 2:1 that the "angels came to present themselves before the LORD and Satan also came with them". So my professor's reasoning is that this is not Lucifer but, an angel that belonged there. That's where my professor was coming from. But, I digress.

So, by this time, Job has already suffered once. And, God says to satan have you considered Job...he tells Satan! Weird...and then God says "And he still maintains his integrity though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason" 2:3. So why did God, who declared that Job was righteous and upright and blameless, do this? Still something that makes me ponder. Actually, the first time that I questioned the character of God.

Then comes Job's three friends: Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. All three say things such as repent, face your sins, confess, God is just, you're a sinner, humans are worms and maggots, humans are impure and unrighteous, the innocent never suffer. And Job says that he's blameless, that he's innocent, that he wants God to be his mediator, his vindicator and redeemer for these wrongs. Job then says that God is the hunter and he is the target 10:2-10,16 and that God has a bullseye on Job and uses him for target practice 16:11-13. Pretty harsh statements.

Following me?

Then in the epilogue, God speaks and poses many questions. And then God says to Eliphaz "I am angry with you and your two friends because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has" 42:7. Really? So every strong statement that Job used before was correct?? God really was the lion and Job really was his prey? What?

Yet, Job repents and says "Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes". I do find it interesting that the word "repent" here in this verse that means to be sorry, to console, to avenge is only found in the old testament. It changes meaning in the new testament to "repent" meaning to think differently and to turn away.

So, my professor says that God becomes Job's redeemer. He restores everything Job lost, doubles it.

WHAAAAAAT? It's all VERY confusing to me. So, God lets these bad things happen to Job for no reason? And in fact at one point he points Job out to "Satan"? But then avenges Job in the end and says that he is still right and spoke right about God? Is the whole point that retributive theology is not always true? That God is above cause and effect and all reason? Or what is the point?

I read up on some other commentaries just to take a look. Here are the links: http://www.christnotes.org/commentary.php?b=18&c=42&com=mhc and this one I like http://www.blueletterbible.org/commentaries/comm_view.cfm?AuthorID=7&contentID=2360&commInfo=6&topic=Job. In particular, I like that this second author explains why Job repented. That he was correct in his argument against his friends and their false theories, but that he took it to the extreme.

So, all in all I'm confused -- haha, to say the least. And if you read through this mish mash, you're probably confused by what I'm trying to say! Sorry, it's almost 2:30 in the morning and I'm tired.

What are your thoughts? Offer other interpretations that I'm just not seeing?

Spring Break

2009-03-13T11:27:00.002-05:00

I graduate in 57 days! Ah!! Less than two months away!

So, for Spring Break my friend Emily and I decided that we are going to go for a two day road trip. We were both bummed because we both had nothing to do for our last spring break. So, we talked about places we could go - Kansas City, Dallas, Colorado (Too far), Austin (Too far), Eureka Springs, and Branson. We finally settled last night on Eureka Springs so that should be fun! I've been there many a time - not recently though - so I know of a lot of things that we can do like Queen Ann Mansion, the train, shopping of course, caves (because my family hates them), the big wild cat reserve just into Missouri, etc. etc.

I think it'll be good just to get away, even if it is only 48 hours! Now, I just need to find a bed & breakfast or a cabin...some form of lodging. Spring break in 30 minutes! YAY!

ABDC

2009-03-08T10:52:00.001-05:00

Quest Crew!

Don't they just have the best hair! They're so cute!

Go watch this video - it's the finale of America's Best Dance Crew. http://www.mtv.com/videos/americas-best-dance-crew-season-3-ep-8-the-live-finale/1606430/playlist.jhtml

Or, go watch this because this one is just awesome for Quest : http://www.mtv.com/videos/americas-best-dance-crew-season-3-ep-7-hip-hop-decathlon-challenge/1605303/playlist.jhtml

Tests

2009-03-05T17:10:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I made the first "C" on a test since I think the 6th grade. I don't know if it was me - off day, didn't study as hard as I usually do (although I had 191 items on 43 notecards so maybe not as likely), if it was the poorly written test itself, or what. But, anyway, my mom said she thought that it was good for me HAHA. Because, it finally showed me that I will not be able to perform at 125% as I have been for most of my life, that sometimes I'll have to settle for less. She said that's probably why I've been so stressed out lately. Why my hair has been coming out in mini-clumps haha.

I just have to say that I was not the only A student that made a C or lower either. My friend Emily and Lizzie who usually make high A's if not 100s with me, made a 67% and a 71% so was it all of us? Or the test? She had to curve it ten points... Like the "rant" that I almost left on here yesterday, it's time to just say "fuck it" and move on.

Up to this point, it has been an easy 4.0 give or take some classes. Most of the tests I have taken I haven't really felt that I struggled with. Now, all of a sudden the last half of my LAST semester it seems like everything has rocketed up! Now, I'm going to definitely have to earn my 4 point. That's for sure - I've been busy, busy, busy with homework, tests, paper after paper, group assignment after group assignment, club meeting after club meeting, required volunteering after required volunteering. I'm sure it's gonna be this way after college too so I guess I better get used to it! I don't really even have time to watch TV that much anymore even! Sad day :(

I also ordered the dress for my friend's wedding in May! I'm her bridesmaid. Yay! It's going to be pretty! Can't wait until it comes in on April 13th.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life - it's an un-ending and looming question. This may just have to be another "fuck it" moment -- I may just have to choose once and for all and stick to it. I have made at least some progress though in other areas. I called last Friday to set up an appointment, finally after months of getting enough urge, to talk to a psychologist (well actually a master's clinician even though I asked for a psychologist grrr...).

I haven't been really happy for a long time - probably all starting back in the sixth grade about 10 years ago, honestly. I think for some reason the school change did me in. New sucky friends. I had once been confident and had high self-esteem while at the other school. And for some reason when I changed schools (not even outside of the district) it changed. Tenth grade was a bad year and I think that solidified my social isolation from others and I had a bad breakup with a best friend. Started to take all AP classes. Then this past November was also another downer because of the stress of graduation coming up, trying to study for the LSAT and failing and not knowing what I want to do.

Anyway, safe to say that when I look back I see all the negative haha. That's just how I'm hardwired I guess. Sure, yes, I've had plenty of happy moments like my 20th birthday party, travelling to Alaska and England and Vancouver. But most of the time, I'm not. It's just my personality and it's who I've been for a while. Obviously I don't like it -- at all. I want to be happy! So that's why I finally called Laureate :-) Hopefully they'll be able to give me coping tools and maybe in time I'll be more content with myself!

But that's enough Debbie Downer for one day. Time to move on -- and go eat!

Just felt like writing one...

2009-02-20T20:20:00.003-06:00

This week everything caught up with me. I had been able to coast along -- doing as little homework and studying as possible. Then this week I had a ten page paper due, an industry analysis (that turned out to be twelve pages) and a four page paper due...luckily my professor moved our test that was supposed to be today to Monday.

So last night I veged. I watched Ugly Betty, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Burn Notice (which I dvr'd) and America's Best Dance Crew (also dvr'd). Then I even read some of a book my friend gave me, it was fantastic! It was The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella (who also wrote Tales of a Shopaholic I think...now a major motion picture).

Speaking of books, my friend gave me about five so I have soooo many to read: Something Borrowed Emily Griffin, Mansfield Park, Persuasion, The Boy next Door Meg Cabot, Every Boy's Got One Meg Cabot, Houston, We have a Problema Gwendalyn Zepeda, and Taken by Storm Tami Hoag. Sheeesh that'll keep me busy for quite some time. O and I have Accidental Mother also...don't want to forget that. Wow.

I have 78 days left until I graduate. And the closer it gets, the more it scares the shit out of me. I need to figure it all out and get my shit together or else it's going to be the middle of April and I'm trying to frantically find a job.

Greetings

2009-02-12T17:49:00.003-06:00

I am currently pondering whether our society has come to the point that we have traditional greetings. I mean, I know we already have some sort of one -- but it's not like in Niger where you say the exact same thing to a person every time you greet them. Usually it's "Hi, How are you (today)?" and usually someone says "I'm doing fine/great/good/adjective, (thanks), how are you?".

I'm just wondering because it seems like when I say anything other that "I'm good how are you" I receive some sort of comment on what I've responded with...sometimes good, sometimes bad.

For instance, my viola instructor asked me today "How are you?". I said "I'm good, I'm a little tired, that's all". To which he said "O...you'll live". And it's not that it was mean or anything -- he's a really nice guy. It's just that I didn't want my tiredness to underplayed I guess because I was really tired. Anyway, it stuck out to me.

And I think that's why I usually just say "good" or "fine" because of this fact -- which sometimes I'm lying! But, it just seems so rigid now that I feel like I can't really say anything else. Or maybe it's because later I think about and worry about every little thing I said or did. I'm getting better -- but for a while it was very time consuming. Anyway, just a thought I had.

Random

2009-02-11T22:38:00.007-06:00

So I did not realize that if you ever injure a body part, that it will ache everytime the weather hurts. I mean, I knew my mom's aches were from the weather, but she's had so many surgeries on her knees and shoulders that it's expected.

I was sitting here trying to figure out why my right knee has been aching -- welp it's the one I fell on a while back. Suck.

I "ate" dinner with a friend tonight (more like getting it to go with her for a meeting at 9:30). She said "I think I might get a beer, would that offend you?" I said, NO! Of course not. The only reason I'm not having one is because I'm not 21 haha.

She said "Ok cool, you don't really seem like the type to judge". That kinda made my night, because I really do try hard not to. But, I know I fail a lot of the time at that. For some reason, she didn't end up getting a beer though, lol. Who knows why?

So for everyone that is a Hotel Rwanda fan (*JEFF*)... Paul Rusesabagina is speaking next Monday night the 16th in the Great Hall in the Allen Chapman Activity Center (ACAC) on TU. So, I'll be going! He's going to be speaking about his experience and how he saved 1200 lives so I think it should be really interesting and moving -- I may bring kleenex. Seriously.

Well, gotta go catch up on my reading that I've now fallen behind on :-}

Living Waters and Rob Bell

2009-02-10T15:48:00.005-06:00

So, I was searching emergent/postmodern on yahoo for churches in case I ever decide to move out of Oklahoma. I was just curious.

Well first it, I go to this site: http://www.heartforthelost.com/2008/09/emergentpost-modern-sayings.html. Kind of sad really...I think that this person is coming from a christian background...so I think it's sad that they are putting their energy into discounting emergent/postmodern viewpoints rather than making relationships with other people. O well.

So, I clicked on the "pull the plug on atheism" under his/her February blog posts. Go look at it. It's a picture of a billboard that talks about how athiests believe in something that cannot possibly exist. Which, yea ok, I agree. But put it on a billboard? Really?

So, if you click on the picture of the poster it takes you to their site. And then when you're on their site it has a link for livingwaters.com.

I did not know that this was the church that Kirk Cameron is so associated with. The one that has the TV show out there were they force people to talk with them and, in my opinion, have become the very essence of the "bull horn guy".

(And I just found this satircal piece to Rob Bell's video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9XorvaC4qs. Wow. That's just sad. )

Why do christians have to fight and argue and spew hate at other christians. They put so much energy into that...I'm reading Unchristian right now and I think it definitely shines the light on why people think that christians are more concerned with being right than being loving.

And here's another: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wSAEezBc3s&feature=related Why is this man's first premise about arguing whether or not Peter has little faith in himself or little faith in Jesus? Is it easier for us in any way to think that he has little faith in Jesus? Does it discredit what Jesus did by pulling Peter out of the boat and helping him stand on the water? If it's true that he had little faith in himself, would it prove that Peter is some sort of God or that God wants us to act like we're immortal beings? Does this affect anyone outside of the church? I don't get it. What is the point here? What does it say for us? I guess my point is, other than trying to discredit Rob Bell...what is he saying? He says we should be in "DEF COM1" all the time (something else I took issue with). He goes so far as to call it humanism disguised as christianity. (And if you go and look at the comments, who comes up again but Ray and Kirk from LivingWaters...really interesting).

There are TONS of videos out there to discredit Rob Bell by the way. I didn't even realize it! Wow! He must've really struck a nerve!

Anyway, just my two little cents on this subject.

Here's a little tidbit from the comments as the person who posted the video and "pastor jer" discuss the virgin birth and Bell's teachings. I don't have a comment, but I just found it interesting so I thought I'd post it as well:

preachercam (1 year ago)
Rob Bell, though affirming the virgin birth, denies it is an essential Christian doctrine in Velvet Elvis. That's shocking coming from a graduate of Wheaton.
PastorJer (1 year ago) he does not out-right deny it as unessential but in fact affirms that he believes everything in the creeds, which by the way, can't scripturally quoted. In Velvet Elvis, he merely challenges us to remain in discussion about what it means to live biblically in modern times...such discussion can be very scary yet if we aren't discussing we aren't wrestling and meditating with God's word and that scares me even more
preachercam (1 year ago) He does deny it's necessity asking if we could still be a Christian if there was no virgin birth. No virgin birth means that it wasn't God dying in our place which means that it wasn't the perfect sinless subtitute and no saving power.
PastorJer (1 year ago) I have read and talked about this excerpt from his book many times and I have to say I think you are taking his comments too literally here. He is giving speculative teaching actually asking if Mary was a virgin based on teh Hebrew definition of the word, wouldn't we still believe Jesus was Jesus and that He was in fact God and our redeemer? You are saying no we wouldn't.Then he wouldn't have been God.Rob Bell is saying Hebrew definition or modern, He was in fact God and that doesn't change
preachercam (1 year ago) Rob Bell and Brian Mclaren and Tony Campolo affirm the creeds and then go about radically redefining them. Rob Bell denies the divine inspiration of Scripture, the necessity of repentance, downplays depravity and sin, redefines hell to something on earth, says everyone is already redeemed,and claims that John 14:6 is not about Jesus being the only way of salvation. These aren't minor doctrines.
PastorJer (1 year ago) I have actually sat under many conservative preachers, theologians, and read many commentaries that use biblical criticism to redefine Hell from some spiritual prison of eternity to a more literal place Jesus and others referred to. This isn't a new teaching or interpretation...just not a heralded one...who is right? Both camps can defend it scripturally
preachercam (1 year ago) On Hell, Rob Bell says it is a reality we can create for people here on earth by how we live or how we treat people. He also says that his goal is NOT to stop people from going to hell but to stop hell from coming to earth. That really trivialises the horror and contradicts the real eternal punishemnt Jesus spoke of in Matt 10:28, Luke 12:5 and many other instances.
TheGroup11306 (1 year ago) Rob does not deny this doctrine, he simply uses it as a point that we should be willing to discuss, doubt and question. His use of the virgin birth gets to the point of in that day a virgin was also known as a woman who was impregnated the first time she had intercourse. He then brings the reader to a place to discuss the ramifications of this then known meaning and how it affects what we currently think. God bless brother and thanks for questioning and doubting like the rest of us!
preachercam (1 year ago) I actually said that he affirms the virgin birth but denies that it is essential doctrine.
rryanreid (1 year ago) what a joke to say that isn't essential doctrine.

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-02-07T00:37:00.003-06:00

So my mom and I went to go see He's Just Not That Into You. Very good movie. I've read the book and it's something that I think every female should read! Haha. In fact, I just gave my copy to a friend!

It's a chick flick though! So guys, beware. But I generally liked the message inside the movie also. And yea, the romance too. I can live vicariously through the people haha.

Actually, in one of my psych classes a semester ago, we talked about how people can feel sympathetic for people on screen or in movies. And actually, when you watch a movie, time for you kinda stops. You're in a state of light hypnosis. So, the movie in a sense becomes "real" for about 2.5 hours. Kinda weird huh.

So I have to wake up at 9:00 tomorrow for a 10:45 meeting. Then I'm working on a ten-page paper with my group for my I/O psych class tomorrow. Sometime this weekend I need to go try on bridesmaids dresses again and also read this book that was assigned for my abnormal psych class because I have a paper due on the 19th. So...pretty busy weekend I guess. Guess I should get to bed. Good night.

O, and I never thought of the Mac guy as being sexy...but in this movie he's pretty darn sexy.

Bodily Aches

2009-02-04T23:15:00.004-06:00

So part of this post is going to be my complaining post. So if you don't like to hear people complain about stuff don't read or comment. Thanks.

I think I'm falling apart -- physically that is. People that know me really well, know that I try never to complain about physical stuff because I just think it's whiny and that it could be so much worse. Well it can, but right now I don't give a shit.

So a few weeks ago, I was chasing my mini schnauzer 3-year-old sweetheart through the house playing ball. I had on my Uggs from, what, two years ago. I think I sprained my ankle or pulled something. I didn't notice until the next day that it was a little swollen. It seemed to get better. Then later, I was sitting on the couch watching TV, moved my foot, and something popped. And now it hurts all over again. But, I actually think it's getting better again so that's good. Still hurts a little though.

My left eye has been twitching for the last 8 days now! 8! I looked it up online to make sure I wasn't dying (lol, just kidding) or anything and it said that it was likely the cause of stress or lack of sleep. Well I have both so there ya go.

My carpal tunnel/tendonitis is back in full force. Not really sure why either because I still practice the same amount as before. My pieces have gotten a little tougher I guess. And I've been texting a lot more haha. But yea, it sucks. Hands going numb and achy never really feels good.

My jaw is mysteriously hurting. Only my right side. I think it's muscular or a tendon. Everytime I'd take a drink it's tightening up hardcore. Everytime I chew something hard or chewy it hurts. No fun at all.

I think I have an ulcer or at the very least need to change from Nexium. I have woken up a few times to extreme stomach pain - reminiscent of my pre-gallbladder surgery days. And it does it during the day too. No fun.

And let's see, anything else. I think that pretty much covers it.

So, NOW on a GOOD note. I got my hair colored and cut yesterday. I've gotten some very good responses.

The first person I talked to today was a guy in one of my classes.

He said "Hey did you change your hair?"

To which I replied "Yea, I colored it"

He said "I thought you did something. When was this?"

I said "Yesterday".

He said "O, Ok I knew it. I thought I remembered you were a redhead"

I said "yea my hair turns red if I haven't colored it. And the last time I colored it was 11 weeks ago"

He said "well it looks really good!"

SO TOTALLY made my day.

Then, in my next class, this football player walks by and makes eye contact. Something he rarely does with me...usually he just asks for a pencil, paper or a stapler. But he actually smiled. So that was nice. He's an idiot. But I liked the attention.

Then I had another guy play with my hair. So I guess people like it! I do too, I'm fond of it! :)

I fell asleep with my chin on my chest today watching the Dog Whisperer. That's how sleepy I am. So instead of reading my chapter for my class tomorrow...I'm going to go get some extra sleep. Goodnight!

Unmotivated

2009-02-02T23:32:00.003-06:00

I cannot get motivated lately, to do much of anything really.

I hit the snooze button about 5 times now, slowly growing each week and I have to compensate by either getting dressed and ready faster or setting my alarm even earlier.

I'm sick of the extra pounds that I've packed on since last March when my Gallbladder was taken out. I do very little exercising. The last time I exercised was a couple of weeks ago and I know that I should exercise more. Ever since I've gotten sick twice -- like emergency room sick -- from exercising I've developed a slight resistance and fear to it. I also know that I should be eating healthier but I keep shoving food down my mouth for instant gratification.

I am slacking off on my homework. I know part of it is senioritis because my friends are doing the same thing. But, I think I'm really unmotivated because I still don't know what I want to do. (Although I'm thinking strongly about physical therapy for some reason.) It makes it hard for me to be really interested in something when I don't know if I even like the subject. Take my specialization for example - I'm starting to think it's VERY boring. Sometimes interesting. But overall, pretty much boring. I hate doing stuff that I don't find interesting. Too late now I suppose --better to just graduate now if you ask me.

And probably because I'm a little depressed for some reason. I've been in awkward moods lately. Very unsocial and that's usually not like me. I've said before I think that I'm a shy extrovert because I really like being around other people, but I just lack the social skills. I did manage to kick a habit/addiction since the beginning of this year. So yay!

Now, I'm going to go continue to study for a hopeless test tomorrow in I/O psych (which I hadn't started studying for until about 2 hours ago and I'm already taking a break). Good thing I'm taking the class pass/d/fail now or else I'd really be in trouble!

Psychology

2009-01-29T21:04:00.003-06:00

So I was in a bad mood for most of the day since my I/O psych class...until abou 4:35.

My I/O professor gave us a little suprise :) A ten page group paper...not listed in the syllabus (or so we all thought). I remembered her saying "paper" earlier last week and I thought...O she must have her classes messed up.

I'm pretty sure that she's a first time teacher. She's a fourth year grad student. She gets nervous when she's in front of the class speaking...I know because she does exactly what I do: hold my breath while trying to speak so I have to gasp for air, shaky voice, and standing behind the podium the entire time instead of walking around the room. And she speaks with a monotone most of the time. So, part of me feels a little sorry for her.

But the other part...

Everyone was pissed when she announced this. One girl that sat behind me said "Are there going to be any more surpise papers that we should know about?".

To which she responded "Actually it's in your syllabus, under class exercises". Well, dang that's clear ain't it. Clear as mud.

To me, the purpose of a syllabus is to let the student be able to judge for him or herself if they want to take the class, if they think the subject sounds interesting, if the course load is too much or just right, etc. This was not clear, and I feel like it was unfair to the students in my class.

So, I had had enough. She's also graded an exercise wrong. And the exercises that she hands out, she introduces the concepts in the same class (not in much detail I might add) and expects us to be able to answer the questions correctly. She assigns readings, but lectures on things that are in assigned readings for the next class. It's all so confusing! Which leads to stress!

So before my viola lesson today I went to go in for a grad check and at the same time I wanted to see if I could make my class a pass/fail class (deadline tomorrow). So the grad check is fine, I'll graduate in May. The lady was so sweet. I mentioned that I was having some problems with my I/O professor and she said "O, uh oh, yea I've heard some things about her" (!!!).

Apparently, I wasn't the only one upset by the surprise 10 page paper. She told me at first that I wouldn't be able to take it pass/fail or else I wouldn't be able to graduate! That it had to be graded. I was about to cry. This teacher makes me nervous.

She told me that she thought that she saw a final try and to come back after my lesson. So I did.

GOOD NEWS! I can take it pass/fail, and I get to keep my specialization (this had been called into question) and I get to keep my minor (also called into question) and I get to graduate in May! So hip hip horray! They simply forgot that I had previously been approved for another class to count for my specialization so everything works out.

And, a project that was due tomorrow got postponed because of the weather, also very very good news!

So, now I'm going to go watch Private Practice and work on a mini-assignment. Good night.

Leave the crap in the past!

2009-01-26T13:47:00.002-06:00

So I had only one class today because of the weather. My 11 o'clock Human Resource Management Class.

I thought that last year's negotiations class was behind me. Frankly, I'm soooo sick of talking about it. I hated that diplomacy game! I've tried to move on and to be friends to my foes from last semester because most of them are in my 11 o'clock class...and I thought we had.

Well, today as class was ending AJ, Ivana and JB come up to me, blocking everyone else from leaving from their aisle, and asked me what grade I made in negotiations.

First of all, it's none of their business what grade I made! I wasn't going to answer. I had already told Lizzie, I think, because she's my friend and it really didn't matter at the time (she was on Russia's team just so you know and they screwed us over). I knew that she would ask me, I'd tell her, I'd ask her, she'd tell me, and we'd move on. Which we did. It was great haha.

So, anyway. I just sat there looking at JB, AJ and Ivana thinking to myself that I wasn't going to answer. AJ says "Come on Kelsy, don't be sneaky. Tell us what grade you made!!" when I hestitated.

Because there were people waiting and because I wanted to leave so that I could get home before the roads started to ice, I was about to tell him. But, I said "What did you make AJ?" thinking that that might make him stop. But no, he says, JB says and Ivana says "I made an A".

I said, "Fine, ok, I made an A also".

To which AJ, Ivana and JB get angry saying "WHAT??? How could you have gotten an A?"

I said "I wrote 150 pages for that class!!" I F*CKIN deserved an A! Ok, I really did. Especially with all the crap they put everyone through!!

AJ says "O that's bull crap! You snake! You're so sneaky! Our journal had pictures..."

Ivana seconds him and says "Yea ours had pictures and profiles..."

JB seconds AJ and Ivana also saying "You snake, you snake!" And it continues on for a few seconds. They finally left and I said under my breath "I hate that they still bring up that crap!"

Emily said "Why did they just ask you your grade?".

OOOOO I'm so pissed. I am now reminded why I kept my distance this semester. Yes, I've been friendly, but I've also been trying to ignore them unless necessary to talk to them.

What assholes! What complete assholes! Grrrrrr!

My own professor, I guess could see that I was getting agitated (apparently I have a very good "don't mess with me"/"go to hell" look haha...and I was probably turning red from my bp going up) asked me basically what was up. She said "Kelsy who's your negotiations professor?".

Diego and Raven were also in the room still. Diego and I told her "Professor Wolfe". So she said "So...what's up with the class?". Diego, Raven and I told her that it was interesting, that the people started getting emotional. Diego said "yea, the class participation was just..." as he motioned his hands clawing towards each other.

I said "yea, people were getting angry...but the important thing is that it was last semester! The class is over and I wish they'd stop bringing i up".

She said "Yea, I understand". Raven even looked like she was going to get angry all over again.

It was last semester. It was last semester. It was last semester!!!!! Get over it! Get over it Kelsy. I got an A! And an A is what I deserved.

Facebook can be both a good and Bad thing

2009-01-25T10:28:00.004-06:00

So Haley is part of a group named "I bet I can find 500,000 Christian's on Facebook". So I started reading the wall of comments just because I was curious...and I'm avoiding homework haha. This is going to be a long post, so stick with me! :)

There's a man on there who claims to be an athiest and writes several things on the wall. Here's a little of what has been said, in the order that has been stated: (Of course I've edited out a few people)

"religion is gay and fake"..."hahaha I remember when I wrote a story an a bunch of people believed me it was real". Ok, yes a little rude. Definitely going to spur on conversation don't you think?

Here's how some people have responded "We all need to pray for __ _____. He is here to make fun of God's children and that is a dangerous position to be in. May the Holy Spirit reach him before it's too late". And another writes "first off, religion is not gay and is most certainly not fake, that is if you believe in the one true religion...the religion about Jesus Christ, how he created us and died for us and rose again so that we could have eternal life! i am a christian and i beleive that Jesus Christ is our Savior and that if we beleieve in him we will not perish but have everlasting life...also i mean honestly, go outside look at the amazing things God has done, the sky, the trees, the animals, how beautiful it all is and tell me this happened by chance, that it was all made out of nothing....you cant becuase there was a Creator, God".

To which this man responds "i didnt ask jesus to die for my sins lol if he came up and asked me id be like nah its fine you dont have to. plus im pretty sure science proves evolution is the cause of all 'gods beautiful things'". "cuz theres so much truth of god and jesus, other than a book that was rewritten a bunch of times and usually when that happens stuff gets blow out of prortion". "Also if god and jesus existed then why do little kids die young, why do animals get abused, why to people molest children. if these cartoon characters were real they stop all of this from happening right. btw when was the last time you saw jesus, wait when was the last time anyone saw jesus wasnt it like 2000 years ago or something. ".

He's asking questions that the unchurched would undoubtedly ask! Questions that "Christians" ask as well!

So how do people respond to these comments:

"The power of christ compels you Maxwell King!" and "To Maxwel King: Why don't you ask Him all of your questions when you stand before Him. (Hebrews 9:27 - "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment.")Every word in this old book that has been re-written so many times has been proven many times over. I challenge you to read it and dis-prove anything in it. Maybe, just maybe, you'll discover the TRUTH. The Good News is that Jesus loves you in spite of your arrogance and ignorance. (Romans 5:8 - But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.) May God bless you and reveal Himself to you." and "ok first off, when God created us he created us special, unlike any other living thing on this planet, HE gave us something, its called FREE WILL. HE didnt just make us like robots and make us love HIM...HE gave us the choice to either accept Him as your one and only personal Savior or to reject him. Its a very controversial thing to why all these bad things happen, but its because God gave the people FREE WILL and they use it to choose to sin and do bad its not that God doesnt love us, its because HE wants us to find and love HIM because we want too...p.s. science cannot prove evolutionDO YOU THINK IT JUST HAPPENED BY CHANCE THAT THE EARTH IS THE ONLY PLANET WITH AN ATMOSPHERE WITH OXYGEN AND WATER?DO YOU THINK BY CHANCE THAT THE EARTH IS PERFECTLY PLACED SO THAT WE ARE NOT TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN TO BE BURNED AND NOT TOO FAR AWAY SO THAT WE WOULD FREEZE, JUST THINK IF WE WERE AN INCH ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!DO YOU THINK THE COMPLEX HUMAN DESIGN WAS CREATED OUTA POND SCUM?"

To which this man responds "Well im going to hell anyway i dont care, thats if the idea of hell is real another crazy fanatical assumption. Hell is better ill know more people there im not gonna let some ''pretend man in the sky'' or some ''guy from 2000 years ago who was a normal person and preached to people to follow him'' control my life. Isnt that what charles manson tried to do to. Im just throwing my opinion out there, to maybe get proven wrong. Im sure ill remain a stone cold atheist tho. Science has more prove then relgion. So at least my sundays are free. "

Notice how he says "I'm just throwing my opinion out there, to maybe get proven wrong". So I think there's a reason why he keeps coming back to this site. Don't you?

Instead of showing this man love and acceptance one lady, who I've already quoted many times above as well as others responds by saying "it is not better and i think we all know that, you have no real proof to back up your belief in atheism! Let me put it this way, remember when i said FREE WILL? well you control whether you believe in God or not, he has control over your life whether you choose to follow Him or not. again science does not have more proof then religion! i think you need to read one of the biggest proofs of them all the BIBLE! God has prophesied many things in that "book" including the RAPTURE, everyone will stand before God. And everything phrophesied in the Bible has and will happen" and "well all I'm saying is how can you believe in something that contradicts itself like the belief in evolution and atheism? God has given us some of the most evident evidence that He is our Almighty Creator ".

I feel very sad for this man. He comes on to the site, I believe, in search of either being disproved or in search of proving that christians really are mean, hypocritical people that will judge you on the spot. Unfortunately, I think he found the latter on this particular site. And, to make a comment on the lady that rails against him every step of the way, as if he needs to be pushed into believing, as if it's her job to convert him (instead of the Holy Spirit's), as if she needs to defend God, talks about the "RAPTURE" being included in the bible. Well, yes, while it may allude to that -- there is no word "rapture" mentioned. Please, correct me if I'm wrong! I definitely don't read the bible as much as I should....

I guess this just hits a nerve. I hate reading about things like this on social sites, where everyone can read it. If I really do some soul searching, I guess I go to these sites to be disproved as well. I want to go on to a site and see christians responding with love and acceptance instead of -- well, hate. I just think the approach is wrong. I should just know better than to read through the walls. Of course, there were some people who did respond in that way! But, only a distinct few.

Anyway, I REALLY need to get back to my homework haha. :) What's your opinion?

Economy

2009-01-24T15:18:00.002-06:00

This economy is starting to scare me. My mom had three or four co-workers get laid off this past week. One was on her team and was previously on maternity leave. One was a friend that had worked for IBM for 26 years! And one was a man that she worked closely with, although not on the same team. She was heartbroken for her friends, and scared at the same time that she might lose her own job. It's scary!

I know that Boeing is hiring, however I'm scared that if I quit school and take a job with them (assuming I'd even get offered the job) that I might lose it later and then would either have to search for a new job without insurance (because I'm covered now as long as I'm in school, but I wouldn't be if I stopped my education and took a job), or go back to school and try to find work to support myself. Plus, Boeing is hiring mostly in the northwest and southwest. Not really in Oklahoma. Which I previously would've been ecstatic for! I'd love to live in Seattle or San Diego! But now, what if I took a job over there and then got laid off...what then? Come home? Or try to make it alone over there? And then, do I even want to work for Boeing? Is that the career field I want? Or should I stay in school and try to figure out what to do? So many stinkin' questions!

I guess it's good that at least someone is hiring. My dad told me that Fortune has it's 2009 list of top 10 companies to work for, and only three of them are hiring!

Definitely makes me want to just stay in school until this recession passes.

Side note -- What do you all think about global warming? My mom and dad had this little discussion in the car last night. My dad thinks it's hilarious bull-crap and that it's either global cooling/warming...that it changes everyday. His premise is that it's cyclical (which there are patterns that occur over time, I'll give him that). My mom says that it shouldn't matter if it's global warming/cooling/frosting or whatever. It says in Genesis that we are stewards of the earth. That we were left in charge to take care of it. I have to agree with her. But then there are other issues such as rising fuel costs, additional taxes, etc. that my dad says could be a burden when there are other things to worry about. So...anyway...enough of me rambling. What's your opinion?

Also, I'm soooo happy that I have found two speakers for my Management Honor Society this semester! A lady manager from Baker Hughes Centrilift and Aaron, the airport manager in Claremore! Yay! And the girl from Baker Hughes said that her company may be willing to sponsor lunch! Hallelujah -- because we're broke! There's a mix-up in the business office that still hasn't been taken care of and it's January!

Random Thoughts

2009-01-18T13:46:00.003-06:00

This has been the second weekend in a row that the message/theme for the week at Agora corresponds with one of the church signs by my neighborhood. It's kinda weird -- yes, God, I'm listening now!

I will start the second week of the last semester at TU on Tuesday. The beginning of the end for me. It's sad. I just bought a book last night at borders called Now What? The young person's guide to choosing the perfect career by Nicholas Lore. He also wrote The Pathfinder for older adults who want to find the perfect career after being out in the work field for anyone who may be interested. I'm only a chapter in, but it sounds promising! He describes what the average person wants in life and what we should want from our jobs. He also points out that only 30% of people like their work based on a gallup poll, I believe, and that most people do not go into the field in which they have their degree from college. So, he says it's really important to discover a career option that will fit with your personality and make you happy. After all, you'll spend more time working than doing anything else! It's true!

Well, I'm out of things to say. I'm going to go enjoy this beautiful day! :D

July 20th

2009-01-15T22:20:00.002-06:00

Just out of curious I typed in July 20 into google's search engine. I went to the wikipedia site that it brought up and here is a list of people that were born on July 20th and who died on July 20th as well as some interesting facts. (July 20th is my bday if you didn't know)

Ford motor company shipped the first car
congresswoman Alice Mary Robinson became the first female to preside over the US house of representatives
FDR wins the election for the fourth time
Truman issues a military draft during peace
Special olympics were founded
Apollo 11 successfully lands the first man on the moon
Viking 1 lands on mars
Hank Aaron hits his 755th home run
Vanessa Williams is ousted as Miss America
London stock exchange goes public
Canada legalizes same sex marriage
Alexander the Great born
Cormac McCarthy born
Carlos Santana born
Josh Holloway born
Sandra Oh born
Gisele Bundchen born
Vitamin C born
Elliot yamin born
Bruce Lee died
Gregory Hill died
2 popes died
Tammy Faye Bakker died

And that's it, well, what I found to be interesting.

Breath

2009-01-15T18:20:00.002-06:00

I haven't watched this video in a long time, probably a year. I was planning on watching it every morning to remind me to breath. I still want to get a tattoo that says breath.

I'm sure most of you have seen it at Agora. It's one of those videos that I'm still talking about, that I still get emotional over. It's amazing.

Was supposed to post this Tuesday

2009-01-13T15:00:00.005-06:00

So, I'm sittin here at US Cellular...I'm working today for a few hours while my boss, Rachel, goes to a managers' meeting. I haven't actually worked here since October -- so I was super nervous that I would not remember vital things.

So far, only one customer has been in. But, crap...I forgot to press one stinkin' button and I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with customer service. And then I had to do a deposit on the same poor guy and that took a while of me looking for the sheet to jog my memory on how to start. I knew that if I started I could finish it, which I did.

He eventually had to leave because it was taking me so long. Left in a huff. O well...it happens right? Haha. He has to come back anyway.

So I've been thinking about what Justin was talking about last Saturday evening. About the one thing. Pretty "coincidental" that that was the subject after I've been thinking about it for so long!
Before coming in that night and watching the video Shells by Rob Bell I had never looked at being busy that way. In fact, there was a church sign by my house that said "If you're too busy to pray, you're too busy". I thought, and still think, that they have it wrong -- that you don't have to be in a "sacred" moment, because all moments are sacred. You don't have to be down on your knees in prayer - you can talk to God in the shower, in the car, watching TV, etc.

But, anyway, I always thought that being busy had two sides, or I could see two sides. On one hand it's like the Aerosmith song, "I don't want to miss a thing!" You have to get out there and do things to be fulfilled and happy! Achieve achieve achieve! Then on the other hand, God says to be still and quiet and know that he is God. So, it seems to me like there should be both, a balance! Like so many things in life.

But, after going in and watching how we can hold onto the shell fragments that prevent us from reaching something better like the starfish, it opened my eyes. I still can see my last viewpoint. But, now I guess I can see that I shouldn't be saying "yes" for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, I need to be able to tell someone, even if it's for a good cause, "no".

For me, it's the fact that I need to slow down and not take on so much, which is what happened in October when I quit US Cellular. I was in two important clubs, one of which I was helping to run. I had 17 hours at TU in a crazy schedule and I felt like I was giving all of my free time to the store on my time off from school. I think I've already relayed how I had a little mini-breakdown because I missed a Mortar Board meeting. So, I've come to the realization that it's ok to say no (which is going to be hard). I like to help people to the point of my own detriment. I can still help, but it should be different.

As school starts back up again, it's something that I need to keep in mind while I search for my one thing.

Monsters

2009-01-07T14:33:00.004-06:00

I took this test from Monster.com and this is what it said:

I am an INFP:

Life as an INFP (Intravert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver) -

People of this type tend to be quiet, reserved and kind; deeply passionate, sensitive and easily hurt; loving and dedicated to those close to them; creative, original and imaginative; curious and flexible in small matters; nonconforming.

The most important thing to INFPs are their deeply held beliefs and living in harmony with their values.

Great careers for INFPs
Here are just a few popular and often satisfying careers for people whose Personality Type is INFP:
Psychologist
Human resources professional
Physical therapist
Researcher
Translator / interpreter
Legal mediator
Employee development specialist
College professor: humanities
Massage therapist
Social worker
Librarian
Fashion designer
Editor / art director

And then if you click on the link "Do what you are" and do the free personality test again it says:

Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler, Perceiver (INFP)
INFPs represent between 4 and 5% of the U.S. population. (I'm special...haha j/k)

INFPs value inner harmony above all else. Sensitive, idealistic, and loyal, they have a strong sense of honor concerning their personal values and are often passionately committed to making sure their beliefs and actions are congruent. INFPs are also extremely perceptive about people. They value their uniqueness and typically seek unconventional ways of doing things. Sensitive and empathetic, INFPs tend to be exceptionally adept at reading between the lines. Although they demonstrate cool reserve on the outside, INFPs care deeply inside. They are compassionate, sympathetic, understanding and very sensitive to the feelings of others. They avoid conflict and are not interested in impressing or dominating others unless their values are at stake. INFPs seldom express the intensity of their feelings and often appear reticent and calm. However, once they know you, they are enthusiastic and warm. Feeling truly understood and respected for their unique perspective and strong values is important for many INFPs.

So what do you all think? Sound like me? I don't think that I necessarily do things unconventionally and, as my mom told me last night, it's not that I'm perceptive at reading between the lines as it is that I read into things. Ha.

What I find interesting is that I have looked into psychology and phyical therapy and I'm already specializing in human resources. Also I've always said my dream job would be an editor, why not an art director too. So what to do now...

I'm still going to go talk to the lady. I was looking into physical therapy last night for kicks and giggles and I'd only have to take about 21 more hours of prerequisites after I graduate. Hmmph. I still have no clue.

2009-01-04T17:56:00.002-06:00

I threw my mom a surprise birthday party yesterday. She says that she had no idea - I don't know if I fully believe that :) But, the main point was to show her how much family and friends care for her. She was kinda depressed the night before her birthday saying that she's old now. I tried to cheer her up by saying "Just think mom, in a few hours you'll be a half a century old!" Surprisingly enough, I don't think it cheered her up, haha.

But, in the end, the surprise party had the very effect I knew would happen - she cried. She walked in and cried. HAHA I did it. Not the crying part, the "I'm so moved because of what you did for me" part. Success!

A couple of nights ago, I was watching Legends that Fall while looking at my options for either more schooling or work after I graduate/don't graduate in May. My mom was looking at what a masters in I/O psych would allow. I was looking at the psychology department at TU, the biology department, the masters programs in OU Tulsa, OU, OSU Tulsa and OSU. My mom said that if I wanted to get a masters in architecture I could, if I wanted to get a second degree in biology to do anesthesiology I could....she's basically leaving it all open and up to me. Which I greatly appreciate! I feel soooo blessed!

But, what I've recently discovered is that I need help deciding. So, I'm going to go see a life coach or someone that can ask me the questions that I need to be asked and help me to discover what it is that I would love doing as a career in the future.

Jesus Camp

2008-12-30T13:36:00.002-06:00

So I just watched Jesus Camp this morning. Hmmm...I don't know what to say haha. I rented it at Blockbuster a few nights ago. There was nothing else that looked interesting! Most of the good movies were rented out and I've always wanted to just see it.

I think that she has a good heart, but at the very least, her approach is all wrong.

The first thirteen minutes with the kids seizing and shouting in tongues even freaked me out! And I grew up in an Assembly of God church! I could only imagine how someone unchurched felt when they saw that.

And teaching kids about abortion? What was that about?? I don't think they're even old enough to know what to think. And taping "LIFE" on their lips....o man.

One nine year old said that depending on what church you go to, Jesus may or may not be there. That's sad. She said that if you're not up shouting, dancing and exclaiming "Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus" then He's not there. I personally think that Jesus is with you at all times. I love how Rob Bell puts it in his Breathe video when he talks about how everyone is breathing his unspeakable name. Everyone. To live you speak his name, to die you speak his name one last time. I love it. Another blog.... :)

Ted Haggard describes what evangelism is to little kids as if it's a marketing ploy stating that the kid's "love it". That when the teachers are telling them that they're animals, they're telling them that God loves them so they, in a sense, buy in. At least that's how I took it. Which is true -- but it just sounded wrong.

Becky (is that her name?), at one of their nightly services, tells the children that they are hypocrites. That some of the kids are christians but aren't acting like it all the time, at home and at school. I felt sorry for the kids. They're kids. They show them all crying and I could only think about how guilty they were made to feel. Guilt. Great "tactic". This is coming from the lady that in the first five minutes talked about fat lazy people that couldn't fast for a day or 40 days when she weighs about 200 pounds. Sorry! That's how I saw it, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Becky also preaches about the ploys that Satan can use to draw you away from God. The first being sin. I agree with Jeff that she should be countering the darkness with light, not with dark. She even writes, the wages of sin is death in a font that looks like blood is dripping. Another scare tactic. Let's scare it into 'em. Well, I guess it works. At one point she yells out three times "This means war!"...to which I responded "What about love!". (I was watching this by myself haha).

Now I realize that the people that made this movie had an agenda and that things were probably made out of context. However, the people said what they said. I just think it's sad.

I guess what gets me is that I went to youth camps and things like that. I don't remember it being that bad. I mean we certainly weren't required to all raise our hands and all speak in tongues at the same time. And, I won't even say that I discount my entire time at the camps. Sometimes I had great moments. I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I don't know.

I will say that I don't think that there's only one way to worship God. That you have to be loud and boisterous and jump up and down. It doesn't make me a bad person for worshipping him the way that I do.

A much needed break

2008-12-30T00:12:00.004-06:00

This break has really been needed and, bonus, it has been awesome!

I have got to spend a LOT of time with my best friend that I've known since we were two or three. We went to Riverfield Country Day School together and we've been friends ever since. She's been off at OSU and now Langston while I've been here in Tulsa. I love her like she's my sister! I never feel judged when I'm around her and we've got each other's backs!

Well, we've watched many movies like The Duchess and Transformers. We've played pool a couple of times with the guys at Magoos! We've been to parties. We've had a bon fire. We went to the mall and got dresses and purses. And we just got back from Sharky's where I absolutely sucked at pool, but had a blast! I love having stuff to do with my bestie! I'm sad that she'll be going back to Stillwater on the seventh.

And besides my bestie, I have celebrated Christmas with the family and got wonderful presents! I went to see the Nutcracker and Cirque de Soleil which was AWESOME! And on Wednesday night I'll be ringing in the new year at the Ice Ball with my friend! I've also baked holiday cookies! And the best part of it all is that it's not over -- I still have until the 12th! YAY! :D

I finally feel like I'm living and that I'm not cooped up depressed in my house alone. And it feels great! I just hope that it lasts into this last semester.

Speaking of, I was telling my mom about a conversation that I had with a guy tonight at Sharky's. I was telling the guy, who is majoring in architectural engineering, that I wanted to do architecture but that it's too late. When I told my mom those exact words, she said "it's not too late. You could do that". What? Come again? I would've thought that she'd say something like "too expensive", "not a good line of work", "you should focus on your masters" or "you should get a job", not what she said. I don't know why I'm that surprised but I am. So...I guess I'm going to look into it. TU doesn't have an architecture program, I've looked.

O and my grade for negotiations is not yet posted, still. Grrrr I wanna know! It's eating me up! He should have those 150 pages read by now ;P

2008-12-21T18:48:00.006-06:00

Somehow I made an A in my finance class, the one where I had to make an 87% or higher! Now I'm waiting on my grade in orchestra (and I think I'll get an A) and my grade in Negotiations (iffy). I played viola at December commencement yesterday. Makes me realize how close it is for me, especially when I see some of my friends graduating! And...now I know I can wear an honor stole and not feel too singled out or look goofy! Good to know!

Yesterday my family also went to Eloda's for lunch - which turned into a day long event! But, it was very fun. Siaosi, eventually Carrie, and Bergen also came by so it wasn't just my family and Eloda and Earl. We played liverpool rummy for hours, a tradition for us now at these types of family gatherings. It still makes me a little sad that there are other family members that are absent, but I know it would only prove to be very stressful or it would lead to a full on fight! No joke! It almost happened in 2005 before my grandpa passed away - I can only imagine what would happen today.

I saw Yes Man a few nights ago with my friend. It surprised me! I knew that Jim Carrey was funny and that I could expect humor, but I didn't think that I'd expect a good message too! The main point of the movie is to put yourself out there, because you are worth it. Stop turning down offers to hang out, go to dinner, go see a movie, etc. when your only reason is that you don't feel like you're enough, that you don't have anything to offer. Of course, you should say "no" sometimes for good reasons...but ultimately it's important to live life! It's too short! I think that it was just what I needed to hear!

Finals

2008-12-15T23:57:00.002-06:00

My last final is tomorrow afternoon at 1pm. Good thing it's so late because I didn't really start studying until 8pm tonight. I went shopping with my best friend instead and ate dinner and relaxed. I think I look at this last final not only as a hurdle, because I have to make an 87% to keep an A in the course (and it may be on the verge of possible haha), but only one more step closer to graduating in May and starting a real life! YIKES! So, I guess I'm trying to put off the inevitable...isn't really working out haha.

I was looking at facebook earlier this evening, ok about 10 minutes ago. Some of my friends down there just had their formal for HIS (the sorority that I was apart of and initiated into in Texas during my time at TCU). They all look so beautiful. They all look so happy. Why did I ever leave TCU? I've wanted to stay in touch with them - and I know that they're not too busy to use facebook because they've been writing on each other's walls all the time - but I feel like they make no effort to keep in touch with me. And I have made the effort, I've sent messages, wrote on walls, chatted online on facebook chat. But, somehow it always ends up that they respond back once and that's it. Then they're finished with me and can cast me aside because I live in another state. It hurts. These two girls I thought would be my best friends forever. I thought that they would be bridesmaids in a future wedding (in fact we promised each other). I felt more alive and like myself when I was with them. We had things to do, we had places to be, we could talk to each other until late at night, we could bake cookies together, we could go dancing together...you name it. I guess what I really miss is having something to do with people that I love.

It all just makes me want to branch out and away from Tulsa, because maybe if I'm not living at home and being codependent on my mother and Haley while building up anger against my dad, I could finally make new friends and have my own life. At least that's how I felt while I was in Fort Worth...even if it was just a semester.

Newsweek

2008-12-10T13:28:00.005-06:00

Newsweek recently wrote an article that "lays out the religious case for gay marriage". In her article, Lisa Miller quotes bible verses and passages to support her stance.

This is not the point of this particular note. What I actually found more interesting were the comments left on the website that discusses "religious reaction" to the article.

Here's a link: http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/readback/archive/2008/12/08/a-religious-reaction-to-gay-marriage.aspx?GT1=43002

So here's a comment, the first one actually that I saw:

"The most disgusting and perverted mind is one that "knows" the truth. A Belief does not necessarily make a Truth.

Arguing with a religious person is as practical as beating your head with a brick. They've closed their minds to anything that conflicts with their belief system...Until something in their own judgemental lives forces them to see the real light."

Now I have not read the book Unchristian which looks at outsiders perspectives of Christianity (it's somewhere in my house), but I think that whoever wrote this pretty much sums up the viewpoint outlined in the book. Pretty sad.

Here's another:

"Her article was ridiculous - she picked and chose random verses to fit her point of view and didn't look at the Bible in its entirety. In Leviticus it flat out says that it is sinful for one man to lie w/ another. Plus, she cites the woman by the well story - and how that means Jesus befriended immoral people. What she leaves out is that after he talks with her he says "go and sin no more." She's right about love being the overarching theme but that doesn't mean we are supposed to live sinful lifestyles and act like it's okay. It just means that the sin of homosexuality is the same as any other sin.

But the problem wasn't her points so much is that Newsweek didn't allow the other side a rebuttal. Every one of her arguments can be easily taken down by someone with a more scholarly knowledge of the Bible...also, it's clear that she's not a Christian! If you're going to have some impassioned argument about Christianity's justification for gay marriage...then have an actual religious scholar write the debate. And she even points out that very few churches condone the practice...hmmm, I wonder why they have such a different interpretation of the Bible than she does!"

Why would she write this if she is firm in her beliefs other than to make an attempt to defend, what, God? As if God needs defending? And how does she know that she's not a "christian" which I guess to her would mean a "believer" or "God follower"? Shouldn't God be the only judge of that? (yes, ok guilty of doing this as well...hopefully more so in the past than in the present). What I also found interesting is her premise about the religious scholar. I kind of find it interesting to read someone elses's perspective on the bible for a change. See how someone else is reading it. Probably wrong isn't it...oops. Also, I don't think that this one article could harm christians more so that whan christians do themselves on a daily basis (stuff I'm guilty of as well, unfortunately).

I don't hate everything that she wrote - if homosexuality is a sin (staying away from declaring my views), then it is just like any other sin. So why do people make homosexuality such an issue! Why not make gossiping or lying an issue? They are people, people.

Only more reason for me to call myself a follower of Christ.

Just found this comment, one that I like because it's basically what I'm trying to say:

"I wouldn't say I am very religious, however I do go to church every Sunday. I go to church, not because I think that if i don't I'll go to Hell. I go to church every Sunday to remind myself to judge no one but myself. I go to church to remind myself to LOVE and ACCEPT everyone. I am not writing this to change anyone's mind, because it won't. I am just hoping that for a moment, people may read this, and let go of judgements, and know that we are all connected and are as one. No one of us is better than another. The underlying message in any holy scripture is to love oneself, so that you can truly love another. Be kind to others. Why in the world are people worried about others "sins" when they should be focused on their own. Seeing ways to better themselves, not better others. In my humble opinion, the Bible is much too old for anyone to interpret, and if you have ever taken any foreign language classes, you should know that not everything CAN be translated directly. One should focus on the main points, not try to find hidden meaning in every single letter of every single word. You'll only end up blinding yourself to the truth and beauty of the world.

Here is my main point: We are all human! We are all the same! LOVE is LOVE! And if you are Christian, I think that it is safe to say that you would agree with the statement that where ever Love is God is. So isn't it much better just to Love and accept than to Hate or judge?"

Last day of the fall semester!

2008-12-08T23:31:00.004-06:00

I turned in my Diplomacy Journal today - all 150 pages of it (80 of which were written by me and my partner, Kim). Felt so good. It was bound nicely, thanks Kinkos! And it was definitely the largest journal there! I better get an A or I will be sitting in Wolfe's office, "negotiating".

Judge Wolfe asked us tonight in class what we had gained from negotiations. What I said was that it was necessary to prepare, identify your BATNA (or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement), and to not bid against yourself. What I really wanted to say was that I learned how to swindle, how to lie to someone while looking them straight in the eye, how to bluff, how to cheat, how to backstab and how to lose relationships quickly. What great concepts.

What some people said about us tonight made me sad. Virtually everyone attacked us this past move. Why? What have we done? At least I have not tried to be someone's fake friend before mowing them over.

I do feel like I left with a tiny shred of dignity. We decided to help England, even though they made a move this last round to attack us. They were our one ally throughout the game, and we did not want to take cheap shots just to get points.

One person said that women are emotional. Another said that we (France) were deceptive and that we couldn't be trusted, despite the many support moves (and lies from other countries as well) we made and trying to seem empathetic (AND this is coming from Ivana, the lead negotiator for Russia, the person that had no guilt or ill feelings at taking advantage of virtually every player in the game - right). One person laughed when I said what I would do differently next time, thanks asshole (AJ).

I left feeling defeated and dissatisfied. I actually wanted to walk out when he said that we had one more move to play. Yes I made the game personal, because others also made it personal and emotional. It is sexist to think that only women are emotional, ok, helloooooo JB!!!!

In the end, I kept my face still, without emotion. But, I couldn't hide my red cheeks from my blood pressure rising. I didn't make any wise cracks, no degradations, and I didn't make low ball comments like some of the other players in class.

I end the game with 5 supply centers...the losing lot.

But enough! The class is over! No more of this wretched God-awful game! And...with it no more friendly relationships with some members of teams, unfortunately.

I'm watching an orchestra play on Ovation! They are absolutely fantastic and amazing. Thank goodness I do not have class tomorrow! I can sleep in a little - say til 9am.

I've almost completed my Christmas shopping! I've got stocking stuffers for the fam. I've gotten Haley's gift. I'm not buying a gift for my dad. But, I've still got to get my mom a gift. And I think I know what to get her too!

If this Diplomacy game has taught me anything useful, it is that people can make decisions and actions that I'll never truly know the intent of. So, I quickly judge that to mean one thing, while they may have another motive, possibly a good one, in mind. I should be willing to trust, willing, unless someone proves me wrong. I don't think I have a high trust propensity. Actually, very low probably.

Only two tests, a presentation and paper, a jury, a rehearsal and a performance left and then the semester will be OVER! Yay! And then I will be one semester away from graduating! Scary!

Since I stayed up until 2am last night working on my journal, I bid adieu and goodnight. Sleep tight.

Fashion bug

2008-11-29T00:34:00.003-06:00

Oscar de la renta
Diane von Furstenburg
Carolina Herrera
Jean Paul Gaultier (Couture)

4 designers that I absolutely love. Just thought I'd let everyone know. No real reason.

I've decided not to attend law school - at least for now. The LSAT is on Dec. 6th and I had not started studying until Thanksgiving. I took a diagnostic test for Kaplan and I didn't make a high score, actually pretty low. And given that the test is less than 2 weeks away, I did not feel like there was any way that I could fully prepare myself. It's my own fault. I waited too long.

So, now I've got to figure out what to do with my life. It's hard to decide what you want to do when you're only 20! Especially when you're about to graduate b/c maybe there are some things that you would like to do, but that you need more experience for, another type of degree for and so the door is shut. Sucks. Man if I could do it over...but I can't.

I've got three options that I can foresee: find a job, teach for america (who's already called me), and get an MBA. I gotta say, I'm kinda leaning toward teach for america for 2 years and then get an MBA because most MBA programs require that you have two years of experience anyway. AND, most of the jobs that I've been looking at, at places that I would want to work, require an MBA but ALSO require 2-5 years of experience as well. So getting an MBA so soon may make me overqualified for some jobs and underqualified for others. I don't know, something to think about.

Still got about 16 pages of stuff to write this weekend and part of next week for a journal due on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!!

Movies I want to see

2008-11-26T20:18:00.002-06:00

Seven Pounds (yummy Will Smith!)
Australia (yummy Hugh Jackman)
Bolt
Quantum of Solace (yummy Daniel Craig)
Marley and Me (funny Owen Wilson)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (yummy Brad Pitt)
Yes Man (funny Jim Carrey)
Brothers Bloom (Mark ruffalo)
Madagascar 2

- of course I do not have the money to see ALL of these in theaters. But the ones I really want to see in theater are seven pounds, quantum of solace, and I don't know one other maybe.

I know that I don't want to see Brothers Bloom on the big screen though so that rules one out.

Anyone want to go with me? The more the merrier! FYI, I wrote all of these down so I'd remember. Because usually I see a movie I want to see and then I never remember so I don't see it.

Thanksgiving Break

2008-11-24T23:36:00.002-06:00

I've still been thinking about creativity since we discussed it at Agora on Saturday night. It's something that I've already been dealing with - just read my first post. I was telling my friend about how I had lost my creative juices and she helped me feel better about myself. She said, "Kelsy, maybe you're just in a slump". Maybe...Hopefully...

I saw Twilight the movie yesterday. It was ok...just blah. It was slow. I didn't like who they picked for Edward - his acting sucked and he was a little weird. Their chemistry was COMPLETELY off. Yuck. Hated that. The only thing I liked was how I could see some transition parts better now because of the movie - like driving in the car, or rushing to keep Bella out of harms way. I'm definitely going to have to go back and reread the books now! Well, when I find the time.

It's Thanksgiving break and I will be working on - my OB paper, my diplomacy journal, my two page summaries for ten articles, two five page papers, and the LSAT. Not much of a break. Thankfully, most of the OB paper is done - just some very minute fine tuning stuff. And also, my diplomacy journal is basically good too - just very unedited right now, very raw. So that leaves, what, only 30 more pages of stuff to write...WHAT??? PLUS studying for the LSAT!! Great...I know my partner is writing one of the five page papers...so really it's like 25 pages.

We're meeting tomorrow for that stuff and hopefuly we'll get it done before Wednesday so I can have the rest of the break to study for the LSAT and actually relax because obviously I'm not going to really study on Thanksgiving. Heck, I hope I at least get to study period. I haven't. even. started. NOT. GOOD. FREAKING OUT!

Anyway, I hope that everyone else is having a great Thanksgiving holiday. I will be SO happy when this semester is OVER!

Pre-Sleep Thoughts

2008-11-10T23:45:00.002-06:00

Has anyone ever played the game Diplomacy? Next question - has anyone ever played the game Diplomacy for a grade, where the winner gets full credit (A) and the loser (no matter how hard they tried) gets an F? Yea, well that's my Negotiations class in a nutshell.

The other problem I have is that it has turned us into suspicious, competitive people :( People that were my friends are now going behind my back and getting angry and upset over this stupid game! Myself included. I don't think that it's fair, especially when people are unwilling to communicate. How can you negotiate with someone that won't communicate? Answer - you can't. And that royally sucks when my grade depends on it. Hmph. :(

Have you ever gotten a backhanded compliment? Don't you just love those haha. It's actually an insult disguised as a compliment. I had one given to me recently - " I see that you're going to law school next semester, that's awesome. Where are you going? That's amazing by the way". See what I mean? Love it!

Have you ever thought that Obama could be the anti-christ? Come on, we've all thought it haven't we?!? LOL Even the news media says that he'll be the person to unite the political parties and relationships with other countries. I don't know...it's probably rubbish. It's in God's hands.

Have you ever wondered if you've either got too much on your plate or it you're just lazy? I am. I quit my job, a good one, at US Cellular. I've got three papers, three presenations, club meetings, orchestra concerts, and an LSAT with a very expensive online study course with 35 hours worth of online videos waiting for me - all leading up to December. It's going to be a busy next couple of weeks. Then come end of December I will have law school apps to fill out. BUT, I will also have VACATION! Yay! Hopefully, as in, I hope that my mom will EVENTUALLY make the arrangements.

My eyes are tired so I'm going to go to bed.

Lonely Nights

2008-11-07T22:27:00.003-06:00

"I wanna be a God follower/ I wanna go wherever he leads" - Steven Curtis Chapman

So I've started listening to SCC again and I have to see even though he's a little gumball, his lyrics are amazing. Iaboslutely love what he says with his music. And the song about adopting moves me to tears.

So I'm also in this weird rent old classic movies that you've never seen before kick - so I have now seen The Graduate, Footloose, Dead Poet's Society etc. etc. I like watching the old "classics". They're really good. I'm sure there's more too, but can't remember. O well.

So it's nights like tonight where I feel really lonely. Yea, wah wah wah, boo hoo Kelsy. I know. It's just that I realize how secluded I've made myself. How much I wish I had friends that liked to call me for a change to do something instead of the other way around - I'm not saying that they never do. And actually tonight all of them are busy busy busy. Two are sick, one's grieving, and one is meeting their fiance at the airport. I need a life is really what I need.

How should I set about getting this new exciting life. I want to travel - we all know that. I'm also applying to many different law schools like UC Colorado Law, UNC Law, Berkeley, Univ of Virginia Law, William and Mary etc. etc. That's a really broad list - but I'm still thinking of others to. In fact I gave my professor my letter of recommendation today! Woo hoo one step closer.

Can you see me at Berkeley? I asked my mom that the other day and she said no, without hesitation thank you very much :( I would absolutely love it because it's so close to San Francisco and I ADORE San Francisco. I love the hustle and bustle, the scenery, the people, the culture, the things to do! All of it! I wouldn't mind the mountains of Colorado, the mountains/ocean of North Carolina and the friendly atmostphere. I hear Virginia's a beauty too. Well I know that at least three of those listed above I have to make at least a 170 LSAT score to get accepted - pray with me that I can do it! I've signed up for Kaplan's online LSAT course so hopefully it will help me!!!

So next step - start hanging out with more people. Broaden my scope of friends? But, does that mean that I'll have too many friendships that have no depth? Cause I don't want that. I just want to be able to talk to people, for them to care and hear me. Then I want them to talk and for them to know I'm listening. Gushy - but it's how I feel. And I want a real man! A real follower of Christ hunk! Where can I find me one of those - it's about damn time for one that's for sure.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be on depression meds too. I know they don't really work for ya long term. Therapy is key. But who has time for that - I sure don't!

O well. I'm going to go watch a sappy chick flick and then cry about it! :D haha. Peace out!

Grandma, Babysitting and Former Jobs

2008-11-02T00:18:00.002-05:00

So my grandma officially does not have a brain tumor, yay! But, she thinks that she's dying. So she's asking my mom for her two other siblings and their kids. Well, the doctor thinks that she's going to be fine - she just has diverticulitis. So her appetite has definitely decreased. The doctor doesn't think that there's a bleed in her lower abdomen somewhere, but we'll know for sure tomorrow when they do a colonoscopy.

I babysat miss Emi tonight. She is soooo cute! And she was pretty much an angel! She never got fussy and she never did anything terribly wrong. She just washed her hands about 16 times in 5 hours! Haha. She even went to sleep without any fuss! Easy! I would babysit her again anytime!

I wanted to ask Tiffany about The Allison Firm and I didn't get to. Apparently there was some confusion about my leave from the firm last summer. My cousin told me that Tiffany was angry that I left a week early. Well, here's the true story - I gave them a THREE weeks notice. I came in at the start of the last week (the third week) and my code for the door didn't work. I clocked in as usual and went back to the paralegal to get my task for the day. She was surprised to see me and asked what I was doing there. I explained to her that I had given them a three weeks notice and she said that they weren't planning on me being there and that they had set my leave date two weeks after I gave them my three weeks notice. So I left! They didn't need me! No more job. Well, I heard that Tiffany thought that it was wrong of me to leave early.

The reason I bring this up is because I've been wanting to ask her ever since Erin told me that, one. And I didn't get the job at Oneok, Inc. And the interviewer, the VP from Oneok, asked me point blank that if he asked The Allison Firm how they would appraise me as an employee what they would say. Red Flag. Then he asked me if I had talked to them since I had left. Another red flag. I'm definitely going to take them off of my resume - unfortunately because it looks really good on a law school app.

So I think that I might send her an e-mail or give her a call soon just to ask.

Ok well I'm pooped after all of this and diplomacy talk too. So I'm going to bed yo! Don't forget to set your clocks back!

Pianists, School and Family

2008-10-29T23:05:00.002-05:00

Does anyone besides me ever watch OETA? I don't watch it regularly, but when I do I wish that I did more! I just finished watching this special on the New York Inaugural Competition for Pianists. O my goodness those teenagers are amazing!

Their talent and maturity to play such difficult music is amazing. They have such discipline and dedication and sometimes unfortunately lower social skills. But still, they're amazing. My hat goes off to them, seriously! Never in a MILLION years would I EVER be able to play what I just heard - they're as good as the greats of our time.

Makes the think about wanting a passion in my life. Sometimes I just feel so passionless. That's my current problem if you were to ask me. I still don't really know. I may never know!

Well, it's coming down to the wire. (I really hate talking about college and stuff. I know it's boring so just put up with it for a few more minutes :) please. Haha) I took a free practice LSAT on Sunday. Didn't go so well. It was, in my defense, my first time to ever look at the LSAT or any of it's problems. So in order to help me, I think I'm going to take an online Kaplan LSAT prep course.

I was looking around last night at law schools with joint degree programs. And I was totalling the money needed. GOOD GOD! TU - $109,000+ for the next four years. Or OU - $56000+ for the next four to five years. I know that the return will be good and it will pay for itself...but how long will that take. My biggest fear is that I'll get in there, I'll be good and graduate with two more degrees and then I will realize that I want to do something COMPLETELY different and then the degrees will be worthless!

That's why I've been trying to talk to professors on campus and other people to get their take on JD/MA's. Dr Boyd says that with a JD/MA I/O Psych that I will most likely be a corporate lawyer - I won't have billable hours and I won't have to find clients.

That's great and it's something that I originally thought about before enrolling at TU. But, I'm not so sure that I would want to work for a corporation. I don't know...we'll just have to see.

Along with actually taking the LSAT and the GRE there's still so much more to do. Letters of recommendation through LSAC and the Graduate School, personal letters, etc. etc. Gosh I already feel so behind! The next LSAT is December 6th! Fortunately I can take the GRE at any time.

Ok...so there's my current attitudes on school. Enough said. Enough worrying. Enough time spent talking about it!

So my grandma might have another brain tumor growing back. A meningioma. It's what she had last time when I was about two years old. The doctors told my mom back then that if they didn't get it all in the surgery that it could grow back.

Symptoms? Incontinence, increased number and level of headaches, weakness in legs, vomiting. Welp, grandma has every one of them. Especially headaches and vomiting lately. My mom has gotten calls in the last month to go over because she's sick and shaking because she's been vomiting. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I told my mom, "she's old". It was callous, yea I get that. And for the record I don't really feel that way. Sometimes I say things like that for my own comfort to ease the reality of the situation. I don't think my family gets that. Instead I hear, "that's SO compassionate of you Kelsy". Or "we need to send you off to compassion school". Or "where can we buy you some compassion and niceness? Because you really need some!". Kinda wears on me after a while. I just want to tell them, lay off! Haha, but I don't. I did mention it once but then it hurt Haley's feelings, so no more of that.

Anyway, my grandma's having a CT/MRI soon to check. My grandma, p.s., told my mom the last time she went over there that she her brain tumor was back and that she was receiving counseling and nightly shots. All of the things I just mentioned never actually happened. The doctor is not coming in for therapy. She's not receiving shots. And no one confirmed whether she has a tumor. Weird. She even tells my mom, the therapy is really helping her. She can say whatever she wants to say. I know this may sound all spiritual and religious - but maybe she really is talking to "someone". Maybe God really is speaking to her and she can finally get everything out in the open. It's about time!

My mom is finally on depression meds also. But, unfortunately not because she thinks she needs them for depression (which she does) but to lose weight and counteract her high stress levels. Psh. I'm just happy she's finally getting at least some form of help - I know she hasn't been happy for quite some time. Low self-esteem, poor body image, low self-confidence, anxiety, high stress...etc. etc. But hey, we all got problems. I just wish she wouldn't be ashamed to be the wonderful person that I see her as.

We were at Juanitas the other night for dinner. She looked sooooo beautiful sitting there. The lighting was perfect. (No I'm not a pervert, just listen). She had just gotten her hair cut so the color was perfect. Shape perfect. Clothes perfect. So I'm sitting there looking at her for a split second and she says, "what?!? what are you looking at?" (By the way she does this to me all the time). I say "You're very pretty! That's all". She looks down and says, "Well thank you" and skirts it off. Like she doesn't even deserve to be called pretty and she so does! You do not know how many times I've heard her call herself ugly, fat, whale, o if I could only lose some weight. Etc. Etc. I hate it! I love her just like she is!

Well we all know, my whole family needs therapy! No surprise there! But unfortunatley my dad refuses to go listen to some "useless" shrink. My mom says she'll go and never sets up time because she's so "busy". Yea, busy! Working and then helping Haley with her homework takes up literally her entire day. And then when my dad refuses to help clean, cook, do the dishes, etc. it just means more work. And yes, sometimes I refuse to help. So I recognize that I'm part of the problem ok. I'm just sayin...I'm just spewing.

O enough ranting. I'm tired. And now I'm in a pissy mood haha.

Well I'm going to go relax a little. Luckily I don't have work tomorrow so I can do some homework then. Then off to a meeting for lunch for a class and a leadership meeting tomorrow night. Then test Friday, quiz monday, test wednesday and group meeting wednesday. sheesh...it never ends. Sometimes I wish I could just get a regular job and like it. BTW, I didn't get the job at Oneok, Inc. O well.

Goodnight!